SPEAKER_01: 0:04

If she's on a dating app, she's still a free agent. Certain fruit is on the fruit stand at 10 p.m. for a reason. That means that from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., people walk by that batch of grapes and put it right back. So proceed with caution. Failures podcast, Justin D, Rich Sanchez. Listen, learn from our failures so you don't have to. Rich, we got a fucking good episode today. We're talking red flags and I'm not going to lie, bro. When you're kicking down 40s door, a lot of these conversations, a lot of these topics, they hit close to home. I know you can relate. We're going to go back and forth, discuss some red flags that we noticed early in some relationships that we had. And, you know, after 20 plus years of dating, same for you, having friends and family that have been in some crazy ass relationships. I feel like there's a lot that we can share with our community that is not just only about noticing the red flags, but I think more importantly is like what you do once you notice the red flags and how to either vet for them or how do you react to it once you realize it. But Rich, I mean, when you hear the words red flags, what comes to mind? Like, I already know you probably have a hell of stories off top.

SPEAKER_02: 1:17

Man, I

SPEAKER_01: 1:18

have a

SPEAKER_02: 1:18

bunch of stories of my time being single and playing the field and being on dating apps and try to find the diamond in the rough, so to speak. And yeah, in every date that I was in, I always sort of found a red flag and try to detect patterns and behavior and to ultimately find the right person. And fortunately, I did off of a dating app, by the way. But yeah, let's get into it. I'm excited to walk through different red flags, what to look out for, and give some advice on how to deal

SPEAKER_01: 1:56

with them. You know, the community that we're building, Failures Podcast, the tagline is learn from our failures so you don't have to. And I think this is a great topic to talk about that because when you're young and you first start understanding that the dynamic between younger women and men and, you know, like how does the relationship go? The one fine point that no one ever tells you, and I think you pretty much just said it, Rich, is like with every relationship and every date and every friendship that turns relationship or friendship that girl keeps you in the friend zone, with every loss you take, you actually learn more about the process of what it is that you like, what it is that girls do and do not like about you. Most people that are dating, they definitely want to be in a relationship and hypothetically with one person. So if that's your ultimate goal, you don't got to get it right the first time. You don't got to get it right the first 20 times. The real goal, and Rich and I are currently in relationships from dating for a long time and testing the open market is that With every failure, with every relationship that doesn't go well, with every red flag that you notice and you wind up not being with that person, you're actually getting closer to being with the person that is going to eventually be the person you get to call your girlfriend. So there is something about the dots connecting when you look back is that you could go on 100 dates and if 99 don't work out, that's fine as long as you get the one that you want. So that's kind of a more positive lens to look at it because when you go through our community, a lot of the conversations are like more framed in a negative way. So what I want our community to know is that it's okay that you notice red flags, you've been through red flags, or you've been in relationships that didn't work out because ultimately it leads to the goal, which is you want to be in a relationship with somebody that's going to give you a little bit of love at the end of the day. So Rich, the format today we're going to go with is we're going to go red flag for red flag. We both have two red flags that we noticed in our lives and the stories that came with that and maybe some advice at the end. And who knows at the end if we have any more. we could do like a little bit of a bonus round. So we're going to go back and forth. So my question to you, Rich, is someone from our community did say people come with warning labels. We just ignore them. What's a warning label you ignored because you thought you were overthinking it, but it actually turned out to be terrible. And what's like a red flag that happened in a more recent relationship when you were single?

SPEAKER_02: 4:16

Yeah, man. Have you ever encountered people that with early moment of introducing themselves and you meeting them for the first time, they just kind of either rub you the wrong way or just carry themselves with like bad energy. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I'm sure we've all experienced a person like that. I specifically remember going on a hinge date and, you know, beautiful girl, we were on our way to a restaurant and I was excited for the date and we ended up getting stuck in traffic and And she made a big deal about being stuck in traffic. It almost felt like she was turning things into like a crisis. I'm just like, hey, listen, calm down. We're on our way. We're going to make it. I'll call the restaurant. We'll be a few minutes late. It's no big deal. So I thought that was the end of it. And we get to the restaurant and the server serves her like the wrong order. And that became crazy. a whole nother moment, almost like a mini meltdown. And I'm like, holy cow, like, is this a pattern? Like, what did I just sign myself up for? You know, so one of the things that I did was, let me pause and process, right? Is this person just like this innately? Is she having a bad day? You know, what is causing her to react this certain way? I quickly realized that one of the things that is very difficult to do when you're online dating is find out what that person's personality and character is like, right? Because you're seeing the best version of them online, right? The best pictures, like all the vacation spots in front of like the fancy car or a fancy vacation, but you don't actually get to see what they're like in person, right? Like, How are they when they're stuck in traffic? How are they when they're having an unpleasant experience at a restaurant? Those are all important things that you need to factor in when you're looking for the ideal partner, you know, the right fit for you. So certainly be cautious and worry when you encounter people that give you sort of like a bad energy or a bad vibe.

SPEAKER_01: 6:35

Yeah, I mean, you know, you bring up a great point. I think people, ourselves included, by the way, whether we know it or not, we know where we fall short. We know where our strengths are at and we know where our weaknesses are at. And I think humans, if you look at it more like a job interview, you're about to take on a new job, no one's going to truly tell you on their resume. Their resume is the dating app. Their resume is their social media account. It really is an extraction of all things that are a liability that may scare people away. And it's constantly highlighting in bright yellow highlighter, like all the things I'm really good at. So if a girl is physically very attractive, and I don't give a fuck who gives anyone life advice. If you're a man, physical appearance is a lot. You think you're going to get away with being a girl you're not attracted to, but after three months, you're going to realize that you made a mistake because we are very physical creatures. We are into the way girls look, so... You can't be mad at a girl that's highlighting her features or highlighting her body or how she looks because that's important to a guy.

SPEAKER_00: 7:41

For sure.

SPEAKER_01: 7:41

But be very mindful of the things she's not showing. If you got a lot of high angle photos, be aware of the fine print. And I think that's a point that you're bringing up and I think is important. It's like, don't fall in love with the job interviewer. Don't fall in love with the resume. Give yourself an opportunity to see them in person. And I assume that's what happened when you met them in person. Just that energy kind of threw you off. Yeah. Yeah. And listen,

SPEAKER_02: 8:09

the looks were there, but by the way, a person, a woman with bad energy, that's a 10 will quickly drop down to about a seven if it's not comfortable being around her. Right. Because you're just getting that bad vibe, like that constant crisis meltdown, bratty, uh, type of energy. So it's not only about looks.

SPEAKER_01: 8:31

Well, I do want to present a caveat. I want to make it a habit that we are meeting our community where they're at. If you're a younger guy and all you're really looking for is some, like a fun night out or maybe somebody that you want to hook up with in the middle of a big breakup in your life and you don't know if you want to take somebody serious, then I actually do think the criteria for what we're giving feedback for is a little bit different. Would you agree? Like if you're just on some chilling date and shit, like, I could deal with an annoying girl once a week, but I can't deal with a girl that's annoying that I got to live with, or I got to be in a long-term relationship with, or I got to be committed with, or I got to see my family with. That's a different... I don't know. We might disagree, and that's okay. I do disagree. Not when you have options, right? I don't know. I ain't going to lie. If she thick enough, I might just

SPEAKER_02: 9:22

roll with it. Yeah. Listen, if you got two or three girls in the Rolodex... and two out of the three are pleasant to be around and you're like excited for those dates and you like when they come around and et cetera, then you're always going to pick those two ahead of that third girl who's like beautiful but just obnoxious and annoying. That's just me personally, but agree

SPEAKER_01: 9:46

to disagree. I ain't going to lie. Look, we've known each other for a long time. I'm not going to say her name, but there was a person I was with when we were a lot younger that Rich used to always ask me like, Bro, I don't get it. Like, y'all literally are just two different people. Like, what do you guys talk about when you're together?

SPEAKER_00: 10:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 10:04

Shit. I'm just talking about how we're going to get back to my crib. That's what I was talking about most of the time. You get what I'm saying? So, like, I don't want to put, you know, there's some young savages we got in our community and guys that want to live their lives. I'm saying you got to be mindful about whether you're going to Denny's to eat and you're just on a highway trip And there's not a lot of options to your point. Or if you're home and you have the luxury of planning your night out and you want to go to a good restaurant, you know exactly what you want. You know exactly what you want to eat. It should be the best experience for you because that's something that it's a different approach you got to it. So I do want to point that out. I haven't been on vacations. I haven't been in different cities. Sometimes the criteria changes based on the appetite for that smaller window. But we're really having this conversation about a more long-term relationship. Somebody that you're going to be with a lot.

SPEAKER_02: 11:02

Listen, since we agree to disagree, I want to hear what our community has to say in the comments. Post that shit in the comments. Are you okay with hanging out with the 10 who's annoying just to get laid? Or is she just too annoying? You said a 10? I mean, a 10 is different.

SPEAKER_01: 11:24

A 10 might not even... Let's say an 8. Let me tell you, if it's a 10, she don't even got to speak my language. We could be doing fucking sign language. I could text her through a translation app. If it's a 10, I'm going to figure it out.

SPEAKER_02: 11:37

Yeah. Listen, all rules are disregarded if you find a 10 who's

SPEAKER_01: 11:42

into you. Okay, that's a rule. If it's a 10, she can be annoying as fuck.

SPEAKER_02: 11:47

Yeah, she could be whatever. She's a 10, bro. You're lucky to even be in her presence.

SPEAKER_01: 11:55

Yeah, for sure. I mean, 10s are rare, bro. If you caught one, don't throw that one back.

SPEAKER_02: 12:00

It's like a rare Pokemon. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 12:03

I think we're already giving our community bad advice. This is great.

SPEAKER_02: 12:07

It's the reality. No, listen. I want to hear what they have to say. Post it in the comments. What do you think?

SPEAKER_01: 12:12

Yeah, I think that I'm kind of just trying to document everything we're talking about here. And I got an actionable advice section based on the natural dialogue. And I put, if it's a 10, emoji.

SPEAKER_00: 12:25

Yeah,

SPEAKER_01: 12:26

so be it. All these rules, that's the amendment to all the rules. If it's a 10, throw that shit out the window. Yeah, yeah. All rules go out the window. All right, so you got the first pick. Beware of bad energy. They turn everything to a crisis or a meltdown. Is that the one you're going with? Yeah, yeah. All right. Number two, my pick. She mocks your interests or she's highly disrespectful or dismissive about things that you personally like. And I think that one's huge for our community because a lot of younger men are developing a lot of interests that are not atypical for a lot of people and that's just a product of the internet and a product of young men being able to find these little corners of the internet that they personally like they personally enjoy and I find that a lot of the like you know just kind of like doubling down on the type of conversation that happened in our community just kind of lurking a lot of them feel bad for liking what they like and they try to change it in order to accommodate the interests of women and I can say, even though I always fell into a more of a cool kid part of the lunch table in life, I've always been really comfortable with being quirky about a few things that I like and not necessarily hiding them when I'm around a girl that I'm dating. And I'm very passionate about a lot of things. And I try to be upfront with that as soon as possible. And that's just a lesson learned for me from previous red flags and relationships that girls have laughed at me when they found out how obsessive I am about like self-development or how obsessive I am about the fact that I don't drink or smoke. That's a great one. I think that's one that I've been mocked for by women that want to have a good time and they just assume that I'm a square or I'm someone that's not with the shits and they can't really hang out with me. So they'll tease me for that. So I think it's crucial that you're with someone that doesn't downplay ignore uh doesn't express any interest for your interest they don't got to be doing all the shit like if you if you like anime or you like star wars or you like watching fucking black and white films and you're a cinephile like she don't got to sit with you through all of that but there has to be uh uh like an acceptance and understanding for what it is that you're interested she has to be curious i think that's what i'm trying to say

SPEAKER_02: 14:47

yeah that's a great point and You want to be around someone that supports your goals, supports your dreams, supports your ambitions, supports your interests. It just makes it that much more pleasurable to be around that type of person. You often hear the term like, oh, why are you dating this girl? Why are you with her? Oh, bro, she gets me. She gets me. That's what guys want. They want to be understood by the opposite sex. If you're the type of dude that loves to play video games, you do not want to be around that annoying girlfriend that like despises you being on your PlayStation or Xbox, right? Like that's what you like to do and you should have the liberty to do what you like to do when you like to do it. So if she's giving you a hard time about playing video games or whatever it is that you're into, it's a red flag.

SPEAKER_01: 15:39

I enjoy gambling. It's one thing that I do when I'm watching sports. How much I gamble? That's maybe for another episode. But I make good money. I'm responsible with my money.

SPEAKER_02: 15:52

Do you gamble enough to where we have to call the hotline behind

SPEAKER_01: 15:56

the...

SPEAKER_02: 15:56

Maybe. Sometimes. It depends if the

SPEAKER_01: 15:58

Knicks are playing or not. It depends if the Knicks are playing. No, but I'm known to throw a bet down every now and then if I'm watching sports. I love sports. Sure. I like gambling. I don't drink and smoke. And every now and then... I live in LA. My mom lives in New Jersey. Every now and then I'll get on a phone call with my mom and we would laugh about the most random shit. Can I tell you that a girl that I dated out here used to tease me for all four of those things? Damn. And I knew that that was a red flag because I was like, damn, these are things that I genuinely enjoy. And this bitch always got something to say when I get off the phone with my mom.

SPEAKER_02: 16:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 16:36

Like, wow, you and your mom just be laughing all the time. Like, what's so funny?

SPEAKER_02: 16:40

Shaking my head.

SPEAKER_01: 16:41

What? What fucking savage doesn't enjoy that their significant other enjoys a conversation with their mother?

SPEAKER_02: 16:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 16:50

Jealousy. You get what I'm saying? Like, bro. And she used to do it in the beginning. And since this is a red flags that were too early to tell episode, I never paid attention to it because it was always like little jabs, like little indirectos. It would always be like, oh, wow. Indirectos. you don't have that much fun when you talk to me or like, y'all stay laughing. Like, what's so funny? It's like,

SPEAKER_00: 17:14

yeah,

SPEAKER_01: 17:15

bro. Hating on my mom is crazy. Like, bitch, would you hate on the sun? Would you hate on a flower? Like, this is the person who put me on the planet. That is the ultimate red flag. You, you've never experienced anything like that. No, thank God. Or your son. I would say your son, right? Like somebody that is not happy that you put time and energy into your own kid.

UNKNOWN: 17:37

Like,

SPEAKER_01: 17:37

That's some sicko shit. That's somebody that's so self-absorbed that they can't handle the idea of you focusing on anything other than them.

SPEAKER_02: 17:44

Yes, absolutely. So how did you handle that then? Like, do you just immediately sever that relationship? Do you try to not fix them, but do you try to let them know the importance of like the relationship with your mom and the dynamic?

SPEAKER_01: 18:01

That's a good question because I actually think that could fall into like the advice section, the actionable advice section. So I don't have an answer. I have a better answer to that, that I would give the community. But the way I handled that was because everybody I dated in LA until I met my girl that I'm with now, I always kind of had a short-term POV on. I always thought I was going to go back home. I didn't think I was going to live in LA. So, you know, I treat people that say ridiculous shit like children that tell you ridiculous shit. Like if a five-year-old or a six-year-old called me a poopy head and said I was ugly and I treat adults that way that I don't take serious. I always be like, oh, wow, really? That's cute. And I tap them on the head and I'm like, get the fuck out of here. You know what I mean? I have a tendency to treat adults that way. I've been known to treat grownups dismissive because I don't take them serious. So that specific woman, I don't think I took 90% of the shit she says serious because it was always like off center or it was like some like, wow shit she would tell me. And I'd be like, all right, well, It's almost midnight. Like she's going to be going home soon. So it don't even matter. Like, so if I had to take a call, like, so in that example, I would just laugh and be like, well, you don't have a relationship with your mom. Like, that's crazy. And she would be like, no, I just think it's crazy that every time you talk to her, like you have to leave the room and you come back laughing. Yeah. And I'd be like, yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. No, I just kind of got that relationship with my mom. I would curve it low key. Like I wasn't even entertaining. Because I feel like if you entertain that level of stupidity, you're just as dumb as the five-year-old that called you a poopy head. I'm not about to argue with a five-year-old. I'm good. You know what, though? Again, me and Rich are very different. And I'm happy we have these differences because our community is going to fall on one side of our personality traits. I will say all in the name of getting a nut, I might just tolerate most things. You know what I mean? I'm just going to roll with it. So something like that, I'm not about to fuck the whole night up because I didn't already spend$300 on dinner. I put an outfit on, put cologne on, got a haircut. I'm driving around the city acting like I give a fuck about things that she cares about. I'm not about to fumble the bag at midnight. You know what I mean? I'm just like, all right, cool. And then the actionable advice would be I'm already making notes subconsciously like this girl ain't really good for the long term. So I'm going to slowly try to figure out how to get out of this. But I'm enjoying it while it's happening, so I'm not tripping.

SPEAKER_02: 20:25

You were here for a good time, not a long time.

SPEAKER_01: 20:27

Got it. Number three. It's your pick, Rich. So we've done so far. Be aware of that energy. They turn everything into a crisis or a meltdown. Number two, my pick. She mocks your interests. She's disrespectful. She's not genuinely interested about anything that you care about.

SPEAKER_02: 20:44

Yeah. What's number three? Number three. I'm sure we've all experienced this, never takes accountability. Everything is always somebody else's fault, especially in her past relationships, right? And you can quickly find out what are some of the things that didn't work out for her based on how she talks about her exes, right? And I think that there's a lot to be said about someone who can't say, I'm sorry. or who can't admit their faults. Because at the end of the day, that person will never take ownership or accountability for anything that they ever do. So by default, in a relationship with that person, it's your fault. Everything is your fault. Everything is either your fault or someone else's fault. That's a very closed-minded way to live your life, to view the world. And that is a huge, huge, huge red flag in my book. What do you think, Chester?

SPEAKER_01: 21:46

That might be the best one, bro. That might be the best one because that is definitely a more grown perspective to look at something, but I think that's the royal flush of all the red flags. And I'll add to that, you just sparked an idea and it was so good. You made me think of someone that I actually dealt with that was a long-term relationship and it was someone that I ignored her tendency to always get into problems with her sister. her mother, her coworkers, the fucking Uber driver who dropped her off. The world was against her. The world was a problem. And at some point I was in too deep. This is a real relationship. This wasn't like someone I was just dating. Yeah. It took me about like three years where I had that moment of clarity where I was like, wait, I've been with this girl for mad long and I've just realized that She's never said one time... By the way, she had a crisis every week. And not one time in the 700 weeks that I was with her, one week she was like, man, maybe it's me. Never. So we had a good relationship because we had good rapport. But the minute that shit turned dark,

SPEAKER_02: 23:07

I

SPEAKER_01: 23:07

couldn't get through on anything. It was like, yo... How are you not accountable for some of this? Yeah, I'm not the easiest person to be with. I know that for sure.

SPEAKER_00: 23:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 23:18

My track record tells me that. Sometimes I've destroyed, maybe that's another episode, quickest way to destroy a relationship. I'll lead on that one. But bro, she never, ever came around to owning, having any ownership. So I love that one, bro. Never takes accountability. And I think the signs are there sometimes where we're friends, with family, with coworkers. You just constantly hear her talk about other people, how they're the problem. And in no universe does she ever pull up a mirror and go, you know, I could have handled that different.

SPEAKER_02: 23:50

So let me ask you this. Is that an automatic deal breaker? Or can you still try to work around or with someone like that who never takes accountability?

SPEAKER_01: 24:06

You know, this is definitely for our older community members, but I mean, bro, I'm 39. So I just recently started thinking like this. I've had a very childish mentality when it came to relationships when I was younger. So if you need run and gun dating advice, I still got that mentality. But I just recently made these pivot into taking everything more serious because it's more long-term. And if we're talking long-term, Rich, I look at everything through the lens of like, all right, if I'm going to live with this person, this is seven days a week. Oh, yeah. Every day I got to go to bed with this person. Every day I got to wake up with this person. If this is a real relationship, you don't have to share a bank account. But I'm saying you're going to have money problems together. You're going to have family problems together. If it happens, you're going to have kids with this person. Do you want that mentality seeping into how your child is being raised? That to me, you got to really think long and hard about your business partner when you're talking about raising children. So it's less about me. I think I could manage a lot with someone who's beautiful and get through it. But when we're talking about if I'm gone and my kid is saying dumb shit and I know where it came from, that's my fault. I doubled down on somebody that's not bright. And now I have a house full of not bright people because I invested in someone that is not a great decision maker or someone that, you know, just a wild card.

SPEAKER_02: 25:29

That makes sense to play devil's advocate. I think sometimes, especially for our younger community members, sometimes someone doesn't know how to be accountable, right? If we're talking about a 15, 16, 17 year old, they don't really understand that how to take ownership, how to say, I'm sorry, how to, you know, feel at fault for something. So I think you're much more adjustable when you're early and on in a relationship and when you're young as a person you can kind of sort of modify the person or educate them like hey did you realize that you never say I'm sorry every time you fuck up right and let the person know and maybe that improve their own personality and characteristics and the only reason why they don't take accountability is because no one has ever highlighted that for them but now that they're in the relationship they see oh okay This is something I got to work on. So I feel like when you're early on as a person, yes, dating someone who doesn't take accountability is workable. Once you're in your 30s, mid 30s, late 30s, 40s, that becomes a lot harder to change. That's just like, okay, this is just how this person is. They just don't take accountability for their mistakes, their fuck ups, or anything they do wrong. Everything is always someone else's fault. I just wanted to play devil's advocate because I'm starting to think like, you know, my son who's 13, he commits a lot of mistakes, right? And I've seen him try to blame other people for something he messed up in. And I go back to him and I say, listen, you made the mistake. It's your fault. Take accountability and keep pushing forward. If I don't instill that in him, he's just going to be the same type of person who never takes accountability for anything. So yes, if you're the type of person who doesn't take accountability, but it's being highlighted to you from a partner, take that feedback, make the changes you need to make, keep pushing forward.

SPEAKER_01: 27:45

Yeah, that's good. So number three, she never takes accountability. It's just always madness with friends, coworkers.

SPEAKER_00: 27:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 27:55

Everyone. The world around her is a problem. She's good.

SPEAKER_02: 27:59

Yeah. Run. She's not for you, bro.

SPEAKER_01: 28:02

Number four. Number four is actually related, but while you were talking, you brought up someone that I haven't thought of in a very long time. Yeah. Man, beware of the princess. Beware of the princess.

SPEAKER_02: 28:17

That's a big one.

SPEAKER_01: 28:18

And the bright red neon fucking sign that says, do not enter is someone that treats you like a second-class citizen all the time. Someone that treats you not as the co-star in her movie, as the dude driving the fucking Uber in her movie, the bellhop.

SPEAKER_02: 28:39

The chauffeur.

SPEAKER_01: 28:40

You're the chauffeur in her life. You're just like a random person, and you're the host at the restaurant, and she is the five-course meal. Beware of the princess. Princess energy is... It's not easy to detect because these girls are usually very attractive. And they're probably the only child in their family. And their dad and mom created this fucking monster.

SPEAKER_02: 29:02

Yeah. That's a great one. And, yeah, I don't even know who to blame. You know, who to put the blame on there, right? You're almost spit out the water.

UNKNOWN: 29:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 29:12

Why do you want to blame somebody? No, no, no. Because it's like, does she have daddy issues?

SPEAKER_01: 29:17

Yeah. You don't know who to bring her back to?

SPEAKER_02: 29:20

Yeah. Like, did her dad treat her like a princess? So she just feels entitled to always receive this type of treatment towards every male, right? Like every male needs to treat her this way. I'd be curious to know, like, why does she walk around with this princess energy? I've literally been on a date and a girl was giving me that princess treatment. And in one interaction, she was like, here, hold my purse. I was like, I'm not holding your purse. For real? You put that fucking purse on the table. Yeah. Like, put the purse on the table. Like, what am I, your purse holder,

SPEAKER_01: 29:56

chauffeur? She leaned on you to fix her heels, and then she told you to hold her purse?

SPEAKER_02: 30:01

Bro, I forget what the context

SPEAKER_01: 30:03

was, but I felt at that moment like

SPEAKER_02: 30:05

she was... I do open doors.

SPEAKER_01: 30:07

That's what I'm saying, but that's the kind of girl that says those... Like, she'll fuck with you and say things like that.

SPEAKER_02: 30:11

Oh, chivalry is dead. Yeah. Like she wasn't my girlfriend. Like we were on a date, but I forget the exact context, but I definitely felt like I was being belittled in that moment where she was like, here, hold my purse. I'm like not holding your damn purse. How did they go after that? Yeah. I mean, we reconciled, but I just kind of like, this was, this was one of those moments where you kind of like show someone boundaries and you're like, Hey, like, Like I'm not your little brother, right? Or a family member to be like, oh, here, hold my purse. Fuck, I look like with a pink fucking

SPEAKER_01: 30:46

coach bag. You know, I will say this, not that this is the topic we're discussing today, but this is important for our community to know, the young men in our community to know. I do come from a family of apes, like guys that are a little bit more primitive. So I tend to... get triggered and have primitive moments when I'm out with women. And I'll be like, Oh shit, I might've went a little too. Like I wasn't courteous that I'm talking to a woman and I'll find that the right kind of girl that may portray princess energy. If you kind of hold the line and you, you tell her like, yeah, I'm not holding your purse, bro. I'm good. I don't open doors. Like, like you got the wrong guy in the moment. It could be a deal breaker to that girl. Like she might leave it. The date is over. But the one that actually reacts positively to that, is a person that's actually looking to find, to see if you have a limit. That's what I've found, is that a girl that reacts neutral or positive to it, in her mind, she's probably thinking like, oh, all right, well, most men will do it, but I'm kind of fucking with this guy. He stood up to me.

SPEAKER_02: 31:50

Yeah. I mean, exactly. That's my point. Like, by the way, like, I do encourage you to open doors, hold purses, right? Like, be courteous,

SPEAKER_01: 31:59

respectful. I don't. Can I just be clear and

SPEAKER_02: 32:01

say I do not. That's fine. I'm saying the way she told me to hold her purse, like- On some

SPEAKER_01: 32:06

bully shit, yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 32:07

On some bully shit, like little bro me. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a good point. Sentiment, like the context. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the context. Like, whoa, princess, like, who do you think you're talking to? Like, I'm not your, you know, I'm not your little bellboy. Be wary of that energy. That loops back into like the first point. That's part of the bad energy bucket, right? A girl, you know, a princess trying to, Make you hold her purse. That's bad

SPEAKER_01: 32:34

energy right there. You fucked me up because we're supposed to be talking about red flags and how to spot them. But you said something that opened up a whole new thought. Who's to blame for this shit? And when it comes to the princess, there's only one thing I thought of. You said a few things, but I blame every guy that came before you. I blame every guy who tried it and didn't succeed. I blame every dude in her DMs. I blame every motherfucker that likes and comments on every post she puts up. I blame the dude sending her money, clearing out her Amazon cart, just spoiling her, and she don't have to do anything, and she gets everything from the world. That's who I blame for the princess energy. And I'm going to take it a little further. I want to remove the red flag that I originally said, and I want to add an amendment to it. It's true. Beware of the princess who is a strong six in real life. That is a dangerous motherfucker right there. Because not only are you not attractive, but somehow the world convinced you that you're a princess and you are attractive. Yeah. That type of mental distortion is something that you can never, like, you might as well just end the date there because that's never going to change.

SPEAKER_02: 33:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 33:49

Who let this person believe they are who they are? Like, that is the problem why you get princess energy from a girl who's a strong six. Honestly, it's a pet peeve. I'm triggered now. That none annoys me more than a girl that is average talking to everybody like she's bad. Like, bro, who the fuck lied to you?

SPEAKER_02: 34:06

Yeah, I agree. Can we do a bonus? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this is a topic that we might differ in opinion, but I'm curious to know your thoughts. Because depending on where you are in your life, this could be a red flag or it could not be a red flag. meeting a woman, going out on a date and sort of like closing the deal, right? Like having sex with that person on the first date. Is it a red flag if you sleep with a girl on the first date? I feel like it depends where you are in life, right? Like if you're playing the field and you're just looking to put up some Kobe numbers and you're having fun and you're young, you're, you know, 18, 19, 21, college, high school, whatever, and you don't want to be in a committed, serious relationship, it's probably not a red flag. If you're looking for a more serious relationship, something more romantic, something more potentially long-term, then it absolutely is a red flag. And I'll tell you why. Because in your brain is cemented that you closed the deal on the first night. How many more other times has this occurred before you, right? Because now mentally you're putting her in a whole other bucket.

SPEAKER_01: 35:30

Yeah, I mean, I think you knew we disagree on this one. I think you knew we disagree. I know. I got the type of arrogance when I go out with a girl that I believe I'm always going to crack on the first night. And I might be the reason why I'm one of two guys in this woman's life that was able to do it on the first night. I'm shooting to kill. on the first night. Let's just be clear. I

SPEAKER_02: 35:55

mean, at least that's what you think.

SPEAKER_01: 35:57

Yeah. I mean, look, you can put that negative energy into anybody's mind, but I'm going to be honest with you. If we're going to talk facts, if you're the guy in her life at that moment and you become the guy for the next five years and you have a kid with that person, you're the guy for the five years. But that don't mean on year six, you get a little beer belly, you get fired from your job. You're not the guy to her no more. Just because she made you wait a year to hit on the first time don't mean she's not going to cheat on you in year six. I don't know if it correlates one to one. I do get what you're saying though, but I would hate for a young person to believe that the girl they're with is not of quality or they're not like this ivory white snowflake that is the first thing that they... I got news for you, bro. Very few women in 2025 over the age of 21 years old are these little ivory white snowflakes that haven't been touched. I'm going to leave it at that. So if you really believe this idea that like the representative of girls showing you is truly who she is, you think girls don't speak. They don't think they do what the fuck we're doing right now. They don't like, Damn, girl, I definitely wanted to be with him. I was fucking wet. I was ready to go to his crib. I fucking got the matching bra and panties, but I didn't go because I want him to believe I'm a good girl. That's all I'm saying, bro. That's fair, man. That's fair. To me, that's a 1970s draw to Uno card. It's 2025. They got the draw eight. They got the fucking triple reverse. It's a very complicated game out there. So, you know, girls are smart. They, they know when they're, when they're on wifey mode and they know when they're in bird mode. And I didn't have been in enough tours. I didn't have been out of the city with artists to know that the girl that made you wait three months is busting it wide open for a triple platinum rapper for sure. On night one, you want to know why? Cause they know you're not going to be in that city tomorrow and this is their shot. So there it is. Don't mean, don't mean, uh, Totally disagree with you, but I think context is important. Oh, this is good. If Shorty's over 25 years old, she done busted open for somebody. And I promise you, if you saw a picture of this guy, you're going to be very disappointed who she busted open for. So there goes your little snow princess that you think is just for you. Be around her girlfriends. That's how you know the truth. Cheers, my boy. We're at the bottom. We're getting turnt. Yeah. Hey, the first sponsorship we ever get for Failures Podcast. is going to be an energy drink, a sponsorship. It has to be.

SPEAKER_02: 38:41

Yes. I won't say which one we drink yet, but it's coming.

SPEAKER_01: 38:45

I already told you. I'm officially junkie status. I got the little portables there, the powders that you just throw in the water and you mix up.

SPEAKER_02: 38:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 38:53

We got to go to actionable advice. Can I go through my list that I've been putting together while we've been talking? And then you can pick out the one that you think is the most important one?

SPEAKER_02: 39:01

For sure. Go through it.

SPEAKER_01: 39:02

All right. Well, we did our five. We did a bonus. We did four plus a bonus. The four... Red flags that you should be aware of is bad energy turns everything into a crisis or a meltdown. Two, she mocks all your interests or she doesn't respect the things that you enjoy doing. Everything is about her. Number three, she never takes accountability. And you notice it from her work relationships, her friendships. Everybody's a problem. She's not a problem. And number four was beware of the princess who's a strong six. I made an edit on that one.

SPEAKER_02: 39:38

And what was the fifth one? The fifth one was a bonus. Oh, if she lets you hear on night one.

SPEAKER_01: 39:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 39:45

Is that a red flag? Very controversial topic, depending on who you

SPEAKER_01: 39:49

ask. That's something that we should get in the comments

SPEAKER_02: 39:51

with. Yeah. I want to hear it in the comments. Is it a red flag if you sleep with her on the first night?

SPEAKER_01: 39:57

Yeah. We're not going to agree on that one for sure.

SPEAKER_02: 40:00

Because if you really demand, you're going to get that all. Yeah. I want to hear it. Maybe we'll bring a community member on the next show to talk about it, but I want to hear it.

SPEAKER_01: 40:10

Final portion of the podcast, we're going to get into actionable advice. This entire episode was about red flags. People do wear warning labels on them. We just tend to ignore them depending on how fat their ass is or how pretty they are. Men have a tendency to get distorted in the main mission, which is just being with a girl. But some of the actionable advice that came up, Rich, I'm going to go through a list that I put together while we were having this conversation. Sure. Number one, not everything is a red flag. And that's a two-part. One, sometimes guys can be really sensitive and they're operating from their insecurities, so they want to make everything a red flag. I think the woman version of this is every girl calling every guy toxic if they decide not to be with them. It's like, nah, bro, you just weren't the one for him. He's not toxic. He just moved on and you're not the person for him. Same goes for the guys. Not every girl has red flags just because it didn't work out for you. You just weren't that guy when you met her straight up. She wasn't interested and that's okay. The second part to that, not everything is a red flag is be accountable. Do the work on yourself and realize that maybe some of the reasons why other people are getting through your filtering processes because you don't even know what the fuck you want. You're taking everything. You're dating everything. You're going out with everything. You have no filters. Like you just, you just run with whoever cause you have such a low standard for yourself.

SPEAKER_00: 41:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 41:37

Number three, don't fall in love with her over the apps or social media. Meet them in person. I love that.

SPEAKER_02: 41:43

Maybe for number four, uh, boundary setting, right? Just let her know if she's being too clingy or, uh, you know, be, be expressive about your needs and, um, You know, this is going back to the princess treatment, right? Like with the whole purse situation, let her know that you have boundaries. Like, hey, like I'm not your little bellboy. Like I'm not doing these things. Like don't try to bully me. So definitely having the ability to boundary set is extremely important in any relationship. So have boundaries. Yeah, have boundaries, know how to set them, know how to communicate that effectively. Because, you know, when it comes to boundaries, you could make someone feel bad. or disrespected very easily once you start to lay out your boundaries, right? Especially if they don't understand them. But just have boundaries and know how to communicate them so that the person understands them and you guys can move forward from it.

SPEAKER_01: 42:39

I think the beauty of drawing a line in the sand, and honestly, this is for dating, women, family, everything, is it always feels uncomfortable to draw a line in the sand. But once that line is drawn, Now the responsibility is on you to make a very clear decision. I drew a line. This person said they were okay with it or they weren't okay with it. And I have a choice to either now allow them to continue to cross this line knowing that I set a boundary or I'm just not okay with it. Now the ball's in your court and you have the freedom to react because you gave a warning shot. I think that is very mature. I think that is something you definitely have to do, especially when you're dating because it's You're dealing with a person that you have no idea who they are. So again, back to number one, not everything is a red flag. Don't just jump out and accuse everyone of being not perfect because I'm pretty sure I'm not perfect. And be accountable. Understand that a lot of the filtering comes from you. So I love that, the withdrawing boundaries. Number six, I would say is beware of online perfection. Vet beyond social media. That was

SPEAKER_02: 43:49

one that you had brought up. Yeah, for sure. I mean, listen, you can't learn someone's personality over the internet, right? Like it's just impossible. Like, yeah, they have categories on interest and hobbies and things like that, but actually meeting someone physically in person and seeing and witnessing and experiencing their mannerisms, their energy, the way they operate, the way they move, the way they talk, their attitude. These are all things you're just going to have to experience in person. So while that beautiful girl on Hinge or Bumble or Tinder, whatever dating app you use, looks like a good swipe, think again. You might want to be here in person first before you lay all the chips in front.

SPEAKER_01: 44:37

And another thing I'll add to that is if she's on a dating app, she's still a free agent. Someone did not teach that. Someone put that back into the open market. Certain fruit is on the fruit stand at 10 p.m. for a reason. That means that from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., people walk by that batch of grapes and put it right back. So

SPEAKER_02: 45:00

proceed with caution. Yeah. Some might argue that being on a dating app is a red flag. You know, going back to your point, not everything is a red flag.

SPEAKER_01: 45:08

Not everything is a red flag. I mean, one thing I definitely wanted to mention is like, You had said this before, which is another piece of advice is at the end of the day, when you've been on enough dates and you've kind of weighed out some of the negatives, some hopefully mostly positive, some negatives in your opinion. I like this banner that you created. Never thought about it this way is like, she gets me. This is somebody that is my flock. Not everybody's going to be for your personality, for your type, not going to enjoy your lifestyle, enjoy how you live. Like everybody comes with baggage. Everybody comes with a story. It's just a person that gets you and is willing to accept you the way you are and move forward.

SPEAKER_02: 45:48

Yeah, absolutely. That's a big one. She gets me.

SPEAKER_01: 45:52

Listen to her patterns with other people outside of you. That was one that's really important for me. That's another piece of advice that's like, yeah, I think it's easy for someone that wants to impress you and loves you in that moment. It's very, very specifically worded that she loves you in that moment. She's going to do everything possible to make sure her face card is good and she's putting her best effort, putting her best foot forward. Pay attention to how she treats people that love her unconditionally because then that'll show you, oh, okay, this is how she treats people that have no other choice. At some point in the relationship, you're going to be locked in with two kids, married, mortgage, shared bank account. Don't be shocked that the same way she was treating those people that unconditionally love her she'll start treating you that way

SPEAKER_00: 46:44

yeah

SPEAKER_01: 46:45

that is something that you have to pay attention to that that is more of a grown-up red flag but i've found in my time that man if somebody comes home and kicks their cat yells at their dog blames the world for every other problem but for you for some reason like you're the special one to her it's only a matter of time for the temperature chains on that and you don't be shocked because you're going to be You're going to be in pretty deep legally before you have to get out of that situation. So be mindful of that. That's definitely some money-saving advice right there.

SPEAKER_00: 47:12

Yeah,

SPEAKER_01: 47:13

for sure. Stand your ground. Show your boundaries. You talked about that one. Don't try to fix or save anybody. I thought that was a good one. When you think of fixing or saving somebody, Rich, what comes to mind?

SPEAKER_02: 47:25

I feel like you should never try to fix or change anyone, right? You spend the time with the person. You understand their personality and their character. you're either compatible with that person or you're not, right? Like, I look at everyone like one big puzzle. Like, either we fit as a collective or we don't. You know, some puzzle pieces might be harder to fit than others, but I don't really believe in the idea of changing someone. I like the word molding

SPEAKER_01: 47:53

better, right? Like... Growing with. Yeah, we're growing together. Yeah,

SPEAKER_02: 47:56

growing with. I think when you find the right person, naturally, it's like two magnets in the opposite direction. Like, there's... a lot of friction in the beginning, especially when you're like first moving in with a person and where things are going down like a serious road. But ultimately that one magnet flips over, whether that be you or her, and then there's a natural kinetic energy and you guys just come together because now it fits, right? But, you know, I don't like the idea of like changing someone. You should never try to change someone

SPEAKER_01: 48:30

for their benefit. Yes. Change, fix, and the one that I want to give a point of emphasis on because it does, I see it a lot in our communities when I'm in lurk mode. Don't try to save nobody.

SPEAKER_02: 48:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 48:43

Don't try to save nobody. If Shorty is blatantly telling you that she just came off of a relationship and she's trying to get over this guy, don't try to save her.

SPEAKER_02: 48:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 48:54

If everything about her energy is a girl that's outside and that she got outside girl energy and she just wants to be outside, It's cool. Accept the relationship for what it is. You're just someone that she's kind of hanging out with at the moment. Don't try to save her. Do not try to turn an alley cat into a house cat. It's just not going to work out for you. Women are some of the most strong-minded people on the planet. They know what they want to do and when they want to do it. And when they're ready to turn into wifey, they'll give you wifey vibes. And when they're ready to be outside because they want to get whatever demon off of their body from the last relationship, or they're just in, you know, I'm in get money, fuck dudes mode. You're not going to change her, bro. You're not going to change her. So don't try to save nobody because a lot of red flags are going to come up for you. But the dude she really wants to be with, he don't have no red flags, but she really wants to be with him. So just be mindful of that. And the last and final piece of advice we're going to give you, which is the amendment that makes this entire episode pointless, is if she's a 10, none of this shit matters. Go for it. Get yourself a 10. Enjoy that experience. And then when you get spat out by that dragon, come back to us and watch the episode from the top again. But if you're going to 10 it's a rare pokemon you got to play it you got to roll with it hey failures podcast learn from us so you don't have to we're out of here