SPEAKER_01: 0:02

A woman who brings you peace, bro, is one of the best things you can possibly find. Someone with calm energy, someone who's not bringing chaos to you, someone who is not bringing you more problems. You want somebody who feels calm and energy and that you feel peaceful around when you're with this person. To me, that should be a baseline for any woman that you're you're potentially dating out there.

SPEAKER_00: 0:36

Oh, Rich, we got a good one today. Failures podcast. I'm still single and dating in my late 30s, early 40s. Is it too late for me? This right here is going to be a great episode because me and you, Rich, who knows better than dating in their mid to late 30s and wondering, am I gonna find a good woman better than us?

SPEAKER_01: 1:04

Yeah, that used to be us. We're not too far removed from being those two guys on the hunt trying to find a girl in our 30s. And it sometimes it does feel like, am I too late? Am I cooked? As they say. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 1:18

The the problem that we're seeing in our community, and we will get to a more specific story, is a lot of these guys that are in their late 30s, early 40s, they feel like the whole dating process is just a terrible process. And then they compound the fact that they're busy, uh, they have limited experience with women, they don't have the best social skills, their life situation is a little, you know, crazy, and they don't know how to move forward. And they're really asking a pretty, it's not a scary question, but it is a sad question. Richard, what they're asking is I'm in my late 30s, early 40s, I got no motion. Is it even worth it? Is it even worth trying to find a companion or building a connection with anybody at this point? Or should I just stay single and if something just so happens to pop up, I'll roll with it. What's your feedback for just that general ideology?

SPEAKER_01: 2:11

Yeah, man, I hate that framing, bro. It's like society sets deadlines as to this is when you need to buy a house, this is when you need to have a wife, this is when you need to have your career and and your life purpose and everything sort of figured out. And I think a lot of times, like we we fall victim to these sort of societal deadlines that that they set for for young men. And when you don't have it sort of all together and you do hit your mid-30s, you sort of start to feel like, damn, am I too late? Like everyone else seems like they figured it out. How come I still feel like uh I don't have it all put together?

SPEAKER_00: 2:49

What do you think that mindset comes from? Because we both dated in our 30s, more mid-30s for you, late 30s, probably like four or five years ago for us. So we're not too far removed from it. Where do you think that defeated mindset comes from? Because what they're looking at is 20-year-olds, right? They're looking at the way 20-year-olds are living, they have their whole future ahead of them. And there's more of this like negative perspective on dating in your 40s. Where do you think that comes from?

SPEAKER_01: 3:15

Not only society, bro, your own family. How long have you felt pressures from mom, dad, grandma? Hey, when when are you gonna give me? When are you gonna make me a grandma? When are you gonna give me a grandson or a granddaughter? It starts with your family too, sort of like pressuring you into like start to build your family because we want to raise grandchildren. So it's not only society, it's family too, and uh social media comparisons, just you yourself comparing your own situation and your own journey to what everyone else is doing.

SPEAKER_00: 3:47

Yeah, and it's a mindset thing. We talk about this a lot. Uh, fortunate for our viewers, Rich and I have gone through a lot more, I would say urgent, scarier situations that our community has been in, people that are younger and on the brink of doing self-eradication or on the brink of taking extreme action and hurting other people because they feel like their lives are worthless. We're talking about young men, men in their early 20s, mid-20s. I find as someone that is literally the demographic of who we're speaking to of today, is if you remove the fact that Rich and I have been very fortunate to find our passion early and to find some financial stability a little later in our lives, if you remove that, which gives men a lot of comfort in their lives, I think there is a lot of positives to being in your mid-30s, early 40s, and meeting other people, let alone women. I do find that I have a good understanding of the world. I have a perspective, I know who I am, I have something to offer. And I find that in most relationships, young or old, women do find that to be valuable.

SPEAKER_01: 4:52

Yeah, I agree. And in my own personal experience, I felt like once I started dating in my 30s, I was much more intentional about what I was looking for. So I have sort of gone through that trials and tribulations in my 20s, late 20s of just being in dating situations where I didn't find myself with the right person or found things or flaws about certain women that I didn't like. And it sort of helped me create this like resume of things that I know I didn't want or wasn't willing to tolerate, and things that I did want and I could tolerate. So I I think later on in the show we're gonna talk about some like green flags when it comes to dating.

SPEAKER_00: 5:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 5:35

And you you only have that perspective in your 30s when you've gone through the gauntlet of like going through many dates and reps and meeting different women and dating different ethnicities to know, like, okay, this is kind of sort of what I'm looking for. And I think you have that clarity more in your 30s than than any other age.

SPEAKER_00: 5:56

I love you painting the picture of what their life will become if they do everything right, but you have to start here, right? Oh, yeah. Because if you have no motion, we we jokingly said the reverse Newton principle that we created on the fly during one of our old episodes. And Rich had mentioned the classic Newton, which is uh object in motion stays in motion. And we actually reversed it and said, well, with our community, a lot of people are just stuck in a rut and they wind up doing analysis, paralysis, and over-reading and over-educating themselves, and they find themselves down these rabbit holes of negativity, and they're constantly reading articles about how women ain't shit, it's not worth it, the juice is not worth the squeeze. We've we've seen it all and heard it all. But what Rich and I found out is that a lot of that is a cope because these guys want companionship. These guys want to be a part of something, building a family outside of their immediate family. So the reverse, Newton, is, and Rich and I created this, we patented it. It's an object with no motion, stays with no motion. And what does that mean for that for these guys, Rich? They're in their late 30s, early 40s. You have to get started. Before I sell you the dream vacation that Rich was talking about, having a girl, identifying green flags, being fit, being healthy, being confident, you have to start somewhere, right, Rich.

SPEAKER_01: 7:19

Yeah. And and you know, in your 30s, there there's a lot of things when when you're struggling and dating that you have to micro- dissect. It's like, why are you still single? If you if you're on the pursuit of of finding uh a significant other, like, you know, do you have self-esteem issues, right? Is your particular circumstance different, right? Like, are you living at home with your parents? Do you have a job? Do you have a car? Do you experience social anxiety when you speak to women? Right. Like all of these things are a contributing factor into why you might be single in your 30s. So that's something that you also have to unpack.

SPEAKER_00: 7:54

Yep. And listen, before we move forward and we get into a probably a more defined, serious scenario with a gentleman that he reported his story to us anonymously. We're just going to call him Steve, but we have a nice little breakdown of a man that's 41 years old, still living with his mother. There's a lot of reasons why he's still living with his mother, but Rich and I are going to unpack that a little bit to give you some more detailed advice or this guy some advice that may be applicable to our community. Rich, three fun facts that I wanted to share before we move forward that kind of remind me of an episode we did a while ago about men that are isolated, suffering in silence. These stats are correlated to most people, which is the more we dig deeper into our community, we're realizing social isolation is a big problem. And it continues to show up in all of these more isolated incidents, but it all starts with isolating yourself. I just want to read off some facts, let me know what you think. First of all, 30% of heart disease and depression comes from social isolation. This is a report that I I quickly glanced through, came from a credible platform, and that makes a lot of sense. How medically they're correlated, I don't know, but I do understand that if you don't have companionship, you don't come hum to anybody, you don't have anybody to live for outside of yourself. There is this mental trick that happens where you start just thinking about yourself all the time, and it becomes this like image of a snake eating its tail, and you just kind of live in this infinite revolving door of sadness. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it it does kind of correlate.

SPEAKER_01: 9:38

Yeah, and that right there is a complicated situation, bro. Like we live in a world of convenience, right? Like if you want something to eat, you're gonna open up your phone, you're gonna open up an app, you're gonna open up the DoorDash or Grubhub or whatever you use, and you're gonna get dinner. If you want to meet a girl, you're gonna open up a dating app, you're gonna go through a bunch of swipes and you know, hopefully engage in conversation with somebody that you match with. So the this idea of us living in sort of this isolation is sort of like a society norm, right? Like we've been now reconditioned to have a life of convenience. You don't have to leave your house to get everything you want. Like everything you want is is is on your phone. That I think also adds to the complexity of online, of meeting someone and dating and going outside and and actually going on a date and being effective and that date going successfully. So that that's a tricky one.

SPEAKER_00: 10:37

Okay, other stat before we get to our boy Steve here, who is 41 years old and single, that I wanted to share was, and this is helpful for a guy like Steve who's 41 and single. 23% of single Americans between the age of 30 and 45 are single. So that means one quarter of the dating market is within this age group that this person is feeling like it's not worth going out there and finding somebody. So Rich and I are creating a platform. I do marketing for a living. One of the key pillars to starting any business is is there a market for what you want or who you want to reach? And is that market growing? And the answer to both of those questions for anyone between the ages of 30 and 45 is yes. It's not only growing, it's one quarter of the datable market. So for me, that's hope. That's definitely hope. Whoever's listening right now, understand that there are people that are equal opposites to what you're going through that may need your companionship. So don't give up hope. The question is kind of lost when you ask, is it worth it? I I mean, I don't think you need any more information. If you truly want companionship, you want to find a partner in your late 30s, early 40s, the answer is yes, it's definitely worth it. There's people out there that are compatible and a good match.

SPEAKER_01: 11:55

Yeah. And you have to be intentional and you want to have to put that effort into finding someone. I know a lot of people like to complain, like, oh, I can never find someone, or, you know, is it too late? But like, are you putting yourself in a position to find someone? Are you going out when a friend invites you and says, hey, there's gonna be women that are single here? Like, are you going out to that function in order to potentially spark a conversation with somebody who who might be a good match for you? Like you also have to be intentional about finding because a lot of people say, Oh, I want this, I want a girlfriend, I want to find a wife. But like, what are you doing? How are you mobilizing yourself to find that person? How are you putting yourself in the right position at the right time to meet a potential partner? You can't just say you want something and not take action.

SPEAKER_00: 12:39

Rich, that's gonna bring me to a point that I, when we did our pre-production meeting, I pretty much wrote down in the three segments we're gonna talk about today. Because in my mind, it kept coming up because I know how valuable it is to me. And as your close friend and someone that was on the phone with you a lot when you were single and you were telling me about the dates you were going on. I found that in the preparation for meeting someone and finding a significant other, what happens is as a byproduct, which I think is the most important thing, is that you wind up working on yourself and you wind up getting stronger by going to the gym. You look a little bit better, it boosts your confidence. You wind up tidying up your apartment, cleaning up your house because you have guests over more often. You wind up opening your social circle because you're forcing yourself to make new friends and be a part of new communities where you could possibly meet somebody. You wind up grooming better, you wind up buying new clothes, you wind up elevating a lot of shit in your life, you wind up leaving old jobs, getting new jobs, making new friends. There is something about this spring cleaning of your life that winds up getting rid of a lot of the old shit that was holding you back, all in the name of wanting a girl. But winds up happening is 80% of your efforts wind up helping you more than the girl. Because these are things that are for life. They actually change you for life. And I know we can both speak to that because a lot of our post-20s transition in our personal lives came from being single.

SPEAKER_01: 14:03

Yeah, I love that, bro. I could personally speak to this. I remember, I think within a span of one to two years, I had this self-reflection of like, damn, I I want to find a girl, but I also want to be the best version of myself when I do find this person. So they can meet like the most polished, advanced version of Rich Sanchez. So what did I do? I joined the gym. That same year, I was very self-conscious about my teeth. So I went out and I got like braces and Invisalign and got my teeth whitened and it took you know a year and a half, but I got my teeth to uh a place where I was happy with with how I looked and my smile. That same year, I was also self-conscious about wearing glasses. I have worn glasses since I was six years old. So I went out and got uh LASIK surgery and I didn't need glasses anymore. And that that was sort of like my one to two year glow up. And man, when I came on the other side and I started to meet new people and meet old people, they were looking at me like, damn, something's changed. Like you look different, like your energy is just different. Um, your your confidence is different. And I credit that to that period of time where I was just working on myself relentlessly.

SPEAKER_00: 15:14

That's incredible, Rich. And if anybody can't pull from what Rich just said and what we're gonna share throughout this show, stay tuned. We have a lot more that we're gonna unpack in this specific lane of conversation, which is is it too late to start dating, especially for men in their late 30s, early 40s? Rich, we have a pretty unique scenario with this guy, Steve. And we've been criticized for having topics that are a little too vague and we don't get specific, which to our community members and the people who watch, what are we supposed to do? Make an episode for every single person, but we're trying to make the adjustment. We got we got a scenario here that is basically two people that we pulled from in order to create a problem that Rich and I can approach. But before we go to Steve, uh the gentleman in his 40s who has been living with his mom, taking care of his mom, there was a quote that I found in our community, Rich, and I just kind of want to summarize the first section of our show by repeating it, and I want to get your feedback. One of our community members who's been there before, was dating in his 30s and lost hope. He wrote in our community board, the journey might start later, but the destination can be even sweeter once you find what you want. And I kind of thought he summarized everything we just said pretty well. The journey starts later, but the destination, once you get to where you're going, it could be sweeter. And I think that message is for someone that might have lost hope.

SPEAKER_01: 16:39

Yeah, I think your 30s are your prime years, bro. Like I just really feel like you're you're more intentional about the things that you want. And I remember for a long time, um, because I obviously know you personally for many, many years, like we both felt for a long time that we we were behind, right? And we we had a uh sort of playing life on hard mode. And I'm confidently here saying that we've caught up because we're looking around at our peers and we're like, oh, I guess I'm not behind after all. You know what I mean? But that's a great point, Rich.

SPEAKER_00: 17:09

That's such a good point.

SPEAKER_01: 17:10

Yeah, like we we put in the work to have ourselves feel like we've caught up. And I look around other 37-year-olds, you look around other 39-year-olds, and you're like, damn, I yeah, I failed grammar school twice, or you know, I myself went through bankruptcy, but I'm financially stable and I feel I've caught up. So this idea of like having to meet certain uh timelines or have it all figured out by the age of 30, I think that you you have to sort of reframe your mind into following your journey and your timetable versus others.

SPEAKER_00: 17:47

We have an episode that we recorded already, so you can find it in our archives. But if you want to get your life together in 30 to 60 days, we have an episode dedicated to that. And it's not like um a potion that's gonna solve your life. We're not that kind of platform. It really is just like the basics of getting some positive momentum moving in your direction. It's pretty much the summary of that episode. And I love what you said, Rich, because small wins day over day become little baby habits that compound. And what happens is negative days, just like positive days, they all count. So even the days that you don't do anything, it counts as a negative. So wherever you're at right now, start there, start where you stand, and just start stacking up small wins. And what happens is to your point, Rich, for both of us, myself included, is when you feel behind and you stack enough wins in the right direction, what happens is you reach this crazy tailwind or a tipping point where a lot of positive things start happening all in a span of like a month or two. Just because you started stacking so many small wins starting from today, not tomorrow or in a month or three months, or when I get this piece of jewelry, everyone's gonna notice me. Once I get this car, everyone's gonna see how important I am. Once I move to this city, finally my life is gonna change. That's not how this shit works. You gotta stack small wins and just let it compound over time. And you'll see this crazy tailwind will happen. And then you'll look back at old pictures and be like, damn, I remember when I was in that mind state when I actually thought dating in my 30s wasn't worth it or dating in my 40s wasn't worth it. This feels a little rah-rah, but I I believe it because I went through it.

SPEAKER_01: 19:35

Nah, I love what you just said. Start start where you're at, right? Like you can have a whole blow up in six months, a year, two years, right? Like your whole life could change within a matter of months. So starting where you're at is the perfect way to, I think, to frame this.

SPEAKER_00: 19:53

And this is a great segue to our guy, Steve, 41 years old, computer programmer. Uh, another guy in his mid-30s had a very similar situation, so it was perfect for us to align both these stories. He's a Russian immigrant, uh, lived with his mother. His mother was an immigrant, came here from Russia. His father passed away when he was really young. He's the man of the house. He has three younger siblings that he helps take care of. Uh, he's currently living in the basement of his house, so he's kind of separated from his mom, but his whole family is there. His last relationship was seven years ago. And he dated for the last two years, and he's finding it difficult to meet anybody or consistently bring anybody over because his mother is a bit of a helicopter mom with respect to his mom. His note to us is man, I'm losing hope. Um, I don't have the same social skills I used to have. I'm finding that a lot of younger women are into different things, and I don't really have a lot of friends anymore. It's basically just me and my family and my job every day. And his job is very isolated. He works, he works in a very stationed situation where he's not meeting a lot of people, and he's truly considering just not dating anymore, accepting his life the way it is. And he didn't seem like someone that was sad about it. He just was like, maybe this is my destiny. I'm just gonna be companionless, I'm not gonna have a relationship at this point moving forward. I'm just gonna take care of my family. And his question to us was essentially the topic of discussion. I'm in my early 40s. Do you guys think it's even worth it? Uh, what is your take on it?

SPEAKER_01: 21:20

Yeah, bro, it it absolutely is worth still trying to find someone, especially you can he sort of hear in his story that that's something that that he wants. And he's sort of laying out the the things that are hindering him from having that. It's an identity issue, first and foremost, bro. Like over the last few years, he's he has become the primary caretaker for his family and his mom. And that has solely been his identity over the last seven to ten years. And once you make a situation your identity, it's sort of hard for you to see anything outside of that identity that you've created for yourself. And you could tell that there's like a small crack in the window where a little bit of sunlight is coming in, and and he's peeking through to see where is that sunlight coming from. And he he's inquiring, he wants to see more. What's what's on the other side of this this window and this sunlight that's coming through?

SPEAKER_00: 22:18

You know what's a big tell, Rich. To your point, he wrote on the forum board. He shared his truth. We used this analogy before. The only difference between a dead man and and a drowning man is the drowning man didn't stop fighting. He's trying to stay above water. A dead man stops fighting, he just will sink. This is not a dead man because he fixed his little fucking non-sex having ass fingers and decided to write up a nice little passage for us because I believe there's hope in that. He he's trying to show us that this is my problem, help me solve it. But he's not saying it, but I think you peeped that as well.

SPEAKER_01: 22:56

Yeah, he's sort of framing all the issues that he he's currently facing. And honestly, sometimes when you sort of highlight all the issues you're facing, it just makes getting through them that much harder. Because you're stacking your problems one by one and saying, hey, I want to get through all these problems, but these are all my problems. Like, how do I fix these issues, right? Like, how do I get my mom help, but also have a life on my own? How do I start dating after being on a hiatus for seven years? You're gonna have to tackle one problem at a time, but you can tell that there's uh he's inquiring on how to solve these problems because he he does want a sort of better life for himself.

SPEAKER_00: 23:40

Rich, I'm gonna go through a list of things that I kind of noted to myself that is speaking to maybe what a lot of guys in this position are going through, but definitely specific to our guy. Burnout, burnout from just life in general and taking care of his family, and his father passed away, which is a very unfortunate situation. So he's accepted the role of a father to his three younger siblings and his mother. But he's playing dad to his mom, which we'll get into that. Rejection, which I find that to be a big problem in this community. Once they experience rejection or failure enough times, they go back into their hole of comfort. Pretty much what you just said. Right. The time constraint that comes with taking care of his family, working, and then having to go on dates, which is something that me and you talked a lot about when we were single. It takes a lot of time and money to date. So that's a big burden for a dude that's probably getting no wins. And then you got the parental expectation of taking care of his siblings and taking care of his mother. So you got burnout, rejection, time constraints, and parental expectations. Let's let's attack these one by one. Which one stands out to you the most? And what would be your advice?

SPEAKER_01: 24:52

The parental constraints, right? I think two things can be right at the same time. You can still be a caregiver to your parents and your family and still want a life of your own and still want to date, want to find a significant other, and and and sort of have like that that personal privacy that you're looking for with a significant other. But this idea that you can only have one to me is is uh like what the fuck does his mother need?

SPEAKER_00: 25:21

He didn't say she was ill, he didn't say she was disabled. Like, why is so much time going to his mom's? I don't get it.

SPEAKER_01: 25:28

Yeah, I think sometimes uh the person who you're being a caretaker to makes you feel like this guilt of like, hey, you need to be around in case I need you. Sometimes they don't even need you, right? Like they just enjoy the physical presence of having you around for the sake of if I visually see you, if I have you around, I don't feel like I'm gonna lose you. And and that that's a big one.

SPEAKER_00: 25:52

You know, we talked about this in the last episode, which was uh escape the small town mentality. And I think when you're part of an immigrant family or a very small family that doesn't have a lot of resources, you know this better than anybody, Rich. The tribe becomes everybody contributes to the overall mission because you don't have a lot of money, you don't have a lot of resources. And what happens is, you know, first of all, I want to give credit to the mother before I shit on her, but I want to give her credit for raising a good young man because nowhere in this profile that he shared did he mention that he wasn't doing well financially. That is the one solid stool that I could stand on in this guy's whole problem. He seems to be financially stable enough to take care of his younger siblings and his mother. So I'm upset. I'm gonna give her credit for raising a good young man, but what I'm going to take away the credit for is that she somehow tricked him and convinced him that everything that he's gotten has to go back to her and the family, which, yeah, maybe money, that's possible. I'm cool with that. If you want to give your mother a stipend, you want to make sure she has enough money to take care of her basic needs, that's cool. But like you said, Rich, it's the mental. Something about his mental is convinced him that he needs to experience guilt or feel guilt because he wants to prioritize himself. My man, you're 40 years old. I don't know at what point you're gonna start prioritizing yourself, but the time is now. I'm 39. I'm feeling like I'm I'm already behind schedule. You haven't even gotten started. What courtesy or when is your mother gonna give you the courtesy to start your life? I'm starting to feel like that's probably a person that has rationalized to herself that this is who you need to be for her. But the question here is who do you need to be for you? You have your life ahead of you. Your mother has her life behind her. That's selfish for for anyone to convince someone who's young to live their life for them and not let them live their lives for themselves.

SPEAKER_01: 27:50

Yeah, and I think you said this earlier, right? Like your mom has already lived her life. She's lived it, she's enjoyed it, and she's sort of taking you hostage to continue to live her life with her, but now make a life of your own. And unfortunately, I mean, you you never want to call your mom names, but it is selfish, right? It is selfish because at the end of the day, we all have one life to live, and we get to choose how we live that life out. Not anyone else, not your parents, not uh your children. You have that sole decision of choosing how you want your life to play out. And if there's outside forces that are forcing you to live a life that you didn't choose for yourself, then now you're just in a prison of uh in your own life, which is crazy to me.

SPEAKER_00: 28:40

Yeah, well, listen, Rich and I had the pre-production meeting and we discussed we both have solid relationships with our mothers, but that doesn't mean our mothers are not flawed as people. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. Just like any other person. And I believe that when someone that comes from an immigrant family, there could be so much instability that you wind up carrying the burden of what other people should be responsible for. And if you're the one that speaks English, has a you're gainfully employed, you bring in enough money to take care of a family. I forgot the name of the law, but where there's a gap, naturally things fill the gap. So the gap is resources and a masculine figure in the household, and naturally you had to fill the gap of your father. But I'm willing to bet, I don't know this guy, but I'm willing to bet if his father was still alive, may he rest in peace. He probably would have wanted his son to go out and start his family and continue his lineage. So, you know, you have to be rational about how you approach these situations, even when it does include family and people that quote unquote love you. But her love has turned into a lot of convenience for herself. So I don't want to go too deep into the mother's situation, but I Rich, we thought it wasn't fair not to acknowledge that point before we moved forward because that was the elephant in the room.

SPEAKER_01: 29:59

Yeah. And I think we're gonna get into some ways to sort of help Steve out in this particular situation. For sure. One that completely stands out to me is aside from the identity issue, right? And sort of like reframing your identity and this guilt that you're carrying by potentially not being the primary caretaker to your mom is also this idea of boundary setting, right? Like there, there's clearly an issue where your mother feels comfortable crossing all lines of boundary, right? Including your privacy, your personal life, taking up your time. And, you know, we're gonna sort of help you sort of reframe boundary setting. Cause I feel like once you get over the identity issue, boundary setting is sort of the next natural step, whether that be moving out of the house, setting boundaries as to, hey, I can take care of you during these hours, but these hours are dedicated to me or dedicated to another family member or a new girlfriend or something else outside of her primary caretaking hours.

SPEAKER_00: 31:07

I like that. We should definitely go right into actionable advice and steps that Steve should take right now. And I was rereading his uh entry to us, and one thing that I'm reading between the lines is he was saying he tried dating for the last two years, but it just wasn't working out because it was difficult bringing women to his house with his mother there. He specifically mentioned his mother. We're gonna leave that one alone. We already discussed there's this like mama animal feline thing happening where maybe she's even preventing him from moving forward just because she can see that her son's energy and resources have shifted to someone else. And, you know, it's a zero-sum game for a woman that's a little older and maybe she sees her resources being gone if her son is putting them into someone else. So, actionable advice, Rich, I thought you brought up a good point, is you have to start plotting that shit right now. Where am I going to be living in six months that is not here? What does that look like for me? Because while I'm working on myself and my mental, I I love what you said, Rich. It all starts within him and his brain. But he should also consider understanding the situation and taking this feedback as the stage one of deprogramming his brain and deprogramming this idea that he has to be everything for his mother, which is not true. You have to be everything to yourself, you don't have to be everything to someone else. And if you are gonna be anything to someone else, make sure that woman is burying your child or creating your future family. Outside of that, Steve gotta worry about Steve because Steve needs his oxygen tank in order to help out other people. So definitely got to deprogram his mentality and how he sees himself as a superhero. Take the cape off, my boy. You are not fucking Captain America. You don't have to save your entire family. You got to get yourself right first. Two, plot out your money situation to see where you're gonna be living in the next six months. If you can get there sooner, if you're making real money, figure out. And it should be, I think you mentioned it, Rich, it should be an apartment that is next to your mom, but was a decent amount of space where she can't intrude on your life and you can't intrude on her life, but you could be helpful. I think those are two good starting points for actionable advice.

SPEAKER_01: 33:21

Yeah, I love that. And those two, I think, naturally go into number three, which is I think uh the dating situation. Because now, if you have your own place, right? Let's say you have your own place, you're dealing with less embarrassment, right?

SPEAKER_00: 33:36

Of thinking that a woman will think that him coming home at 40, worried about his mom. That's fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_01: 33:42

Yeah, I mean, exactly. And think about how he thinks a woman feels going into his parents' house, right?

SPEAKER_00: 33:49

Like she'll think Oh, I got a better one for you. Think about how the girl feels. She met a she met a good dude, took her on a date. He's probably got a nice little Tesla. He said he seems like he's doing well for himself. Yeah, he gets home and the mom is waiting at the front porch for this. She he got he got to be like, oh yeah, I live with my mom. I pay instantly. I can see a lot of girls that he could have already been building a long-term relationship with, just hitting the group chat, calling their friends, like, nah, dude is fucking weird. He's a mama's boy.

SPEAKER_01: 34:20

Yeah, yeah. Go go drop me off. But that's exactly what I mean. It's like you're dealing with embarrassment, you're dealing with privacy issues, you're dealing with fear of judgment. And once you have your own place, all those emotions sort of kind of go away. And you feel a little bit more confident, right? Like you have your own doors to open and your own personal space. So now privacy is not an issue. No one's intruding into your personal space, and you don't have to. I feel like it's it's sort of like demasculating you in a sense where you feel like, man, I have to bring this woman to my parents' house, and I don't feel like a man, I don't feel like a provider, I don't feel like I'm holding things down. So there's a lot that comes with the the living at home with with parents things. So I think that that is a natural step three.

SPEAKER_00: 35:12

Rich, I want you to just go back in memory lane and think about the last time you had a young lady. You you could probably win your 20s because you've been living on your own for a very long time.

SPEAKER_01: 35:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 35:21

Imagine being 40 and coming home with something thick, something nice, something cute, something that you spent$300 on a dinner with, and you're ready to take that next step. Do what grown-ups do, and your mom's at home, and you had like imagine that.

SPEAKER_01: 35:39

Man, I think that person should have been an extra in the movie Step Brothers, right? Ma, the meatloaf. Think about it. The whole premises of that movie was that it's like 40-year-old men living with their parents. No, man, I could never imagine that because I wouldn't allow allow myself to be at home with my parents for so long. At some point, you gotta you gotta sever the ties, bro. Like you basically have uh an umbilical cord with your mom, right? Like, bro, cut that bitch, sever the ties. You can still be a caregiver. That's what I want to emphasize because I feel like a lot of people feel like it's and or or in this situation. Like, you can still be the caregiver to your mom. Like you said, you could move next door, you could move in the same town, in the same vicinity, and still be the primary caregiver while having your own space. That's sort of like the problem that we're trying to solve for. Is like that's the first way you sort of set boundaries and create that separation.

SPEAKER_00: 36:40

There's two words that I've removed from my vocabulary and I don't accept it. The minute I hear these words, these are the real red flags. Should equals shame. When anybody uses the word should for what the fuck I gotta do, I'm immediately leaning in, thinking to myself, what does this selfish person want from me? Because they're trying to use shame through the word should to get me to do what they want me to do for them. Should is not a term that should be used by anyone else. If you feel like you need to do it, then it's not a should. It's I want to do something.

SPEAKER_01: 37:18

Sure.

SPEAKER_00: 37:18

Understand that when people use the word should, it usually comes with a very convenient narrative that benefits them. So I just want our boy to be a little bit more cognitive of what he feels like he has to do. If you feel like you have to do it, I'm fine with that. But this idea of what you should do is when things get scary. My mom tells me that I a man should take care of his mother. My aunts and my uncles tell me your dad was a great guy, and if if he was still alive, he would want you to, he feels like you should take care of your younger siblings. Should is a very dangerous word. Just be careful with it. People are trying to shame you into doing something you don't want to do. I want part of our actionable advice to be mindful of that. One other thing, Rich, I do want to get into some positives because this guy is actually cooking with some positives. He has experience. He's in his early 40s. And I can say this from personal experience. Even women in their late 20s, early 30s tend to want to be with a man who has his life together.

SPEAKER_01: 38:19

For sure.

SPEAKER_00: 38:20

He has financial stability, he has a worldview. This is not a kid that's running around all day trying to fuck anything and everything that gives him a little bit of motion online. I'm willing to bet our boy doesn't even have Instagram. Yeah. He doesn't have any social media platform. He's so focused on being a caregiver that if you shifted that into a real relationship with a young lady that is ready, willing, and able to get into a real relationship, he's going to be valuable to that person because he already knows how to be a grown man. He knows how to provide, he knows how to be stable. These are all crazy positives in the dating market. I know because that's why I wasn't single for too long. Same for you, Rich. This is something for a woman that is ready to settle down. It is a huge positive.

SPEAKER_01: 39:06

Yeah, I think so. And, you know, if if they go on to find someone and meet someone and that new girlfriend sees how much he loves his mom and how much of a caretaker he is, and how family oriented he is, chances are like that that's a net positive. Like his mom might go on to have two caregivers because now the woman is so invested where she's like, oh, I'm gonna come over with you and help you with your mom because I I love how family-oriented you are, and I love just how much you care for your mom. So that's something else that he should have in mind when he's trying to flip that switch of like, damn, I'm gonna feel guilty if I go out and find a woman. But bro, that woman could actually help your situation, not take you away from it.

SPEAKER_00: 39:49

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think this is all great actionable advice for this guy that's in that scenario. But I don't think we need to tiptoe around it too much more, Rich. I do want to get into the third section of our show, which we know if you're listening on podcasts, this is what you really came here for, which is the dating green flags, which is a follow-up to our episode we did on red flags. And, you know, we got some feedback from people who weren't happy about us just only speaking about the negatives when it comes to dating. But yeah, this guy right here in his early 40s that I actually find his situation to be a lot more positive than a lot of guys that I've read through. This is not a bad situation. He's been in the dating market, he's tried it, he's making money, he's been proactive. He's just a little bummed out. You know, he's discouraged, he's not confident, he feels like his situation is not gonna change. He has all the cards in his hands to change his life for the next two years easily. Probably less than that, to be honest with you.

SPEAKER_01: 40:48

Yeah, and and bro, in the pursuit of happiness, bro, you have to, you know, to put a bow on this in a pursuit of happiness, you have to double down on the things that you want. Like you you're you're feeling like there's a void, like there's a pit in your stomach, like your current circumstance and your current situation is not ideal. And there's a lack of happiness there. And and you're sort of observing the world and you're like, damn, I think I want more for myself. I I haven't been in the dating world for over seven years. Like, I think I want to put myself back out there again. I think I want to find love. I think I want to find a significant other. I think I want to have my own place. Like, these are all good things to want, but you also have to feed what makes you happy. And there's clearly a void of happiness in this person, and that's why they brought that issue up to us.

SPEAKER_00: 41:34

And the last thing I'll say, Rich, before we go to dating green flags, I hate these episodes because it forces us to just speak about the end goal, which is the equivalent of somebody telling you, hey, how is Dominican Republic? How was it to visit Paris? And all they're talking to you about is taking a picture at the one tourist location rather than thinking about all the enjoyment that you could have from the moment you decide to book that vacation to the moment you're actually in that vacation. I think a lot of men in this world are so down on themselves because they believe that women are the end goal and they're not. Every time you make a destination, your reason for living, you are on a crusade to straight fucking disappointment. Because you believe that once you get there, that your life is gonna flip upside down and life is gonna be perfect once you get to what you want, once you get to Paris, or once you get to the Dominican Republic, it's just gonna be perfect. All your problems are gonna go away, all your stress is gonna go away, and life is going to be perfect. And it's not when you make someone or something the reason why you live, you are bound to be disappointed. And I don't like having these conversations about dating and green flags and what you should do in order to get the girl, because it makes the girl the endpoints in life, which I think is terrible advice. I actually love the fact that we're giving this guy advice so he could become a better person. He could see more value in himself, he can build himself, and he can truly, truly be happy, Rich. You said that word, and it feels like something that gets overused, but I I love how you used it because people deserve to be happy with the lives they're living, despite what age they're at. And a girl is not gonna be the reason why you end up happy because we've talked about this, Rich. Even when you get to that destination, there's a lot of shit that comes with that too.

SPEAKER_01: 43:37

Yeah, I agree to a certain extent. I mean, I I don't think loneliness is the answer. I think we're we're sort of designed for, at a bare minimum, some sort of companionship. So I'm not saying women are the the end goal, but having someone consistently there for you who cares for you, who can who you can live your life with and share experiences with, I think is incredibly valuable. How you get to that destination is is really on you and everyone's journey is different. But I do agree with you to make a woman or a significant other your only purpose for living, right? Like the the only end goal, I think, is flawed and and it it should really be what do I need to do to make myself happy?

SPEAKER_00: 44:20

That's a fact. That's a fact. Now, speaking of happy, let's assume our guy found his partner, or he was dating rather. Let's assume our guy was in the dating market, he's in his new apartment, he's worked out a payment plan with his mother so she can get off his dick and he can start living his life as a full-blown adult in his 40s. Rich, this is the episode that people have been asking for. Why you guys only speak negatively on dating? Where are some of the positive things I should be looking out for? I I do want to tee this up right because we're today we're talking about dating green flags. What is in the dating process so that you could pay attention to as a single man that's fed up with dating apps, fed up with going on many dates, spending your money and not getting what you want? What are some green flags that these guys are missing? And it's a reverse on red flags because sometimes if you focus only on the negatives, all you see are the negatives. So, how did this topic come up, Rich? And what are we looking to get out of this one with dating green flags?

SPEAKER_01: 45:23

Yeah, I think you framed it perfectly. I think we oftentimes focus on the things that that we don't want or the things that we need to avoid. But what's the flip side of that? It's like, how do you identify the sort of diamond in the rough? Or we're gonna help you identify how to find the characteristics that are compatible to you. Shit. If you find that in a woman, she's a keeper. So we're we're gonna highlight some of those today.

SPEAKER_00: 45:49

Yeah, and I think the summary is simple. It's like I'm tired of dating in 2025. The apps are cooked, women expect too much from us.

SPEAKER_01: 45:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 45:59

I need guidance on what I should be paying attention to to hedge my bet and find a quote unquote quality woman. I do want to provide the asterisk up front because just like I said about the segment before, I do not believe that there is a perfect person out there waiting for you that you haven't found. How a man shows up in life, how prepared he is, how mentally stable he is, how mature he is, how financially good he is, does he smell good? Does he look good? Does he give the energy of a guy that's a master of some domain? Does he have a consistent job? When you show up like that, a lot of these bullshit red flag, green flag content, bait episodes that we might be pumping out are not that important because what happens is, Rich, if you're qualified for all the jobs, you can get any job. You just got to decide which one you want. For sure. So I do want to put that caveat out there, Rich. The world does open up for a man who is really, really present and has his life together.

SPEAKER_01: 47:07

Absolutely. I I love that framing. I'll start with one green flag, which I feel like no matter what dating situation you're in, you should absolutely look out for. This is the difference between you being around someone who you feel is pleasant and someone who could potentially key your car in the future.

SPEAKER_00: 47:29

Sounds like you're speaking from experience. You heard this from someone.

SPEAKER_01: 47:34

Yeah, yeah. I heard this from a guy I know. But a woman who brings you peace, bro, is one of the best things you can possibly find. What do I mean by that? Someone with calm energy, someone who's not bringing chaos to you, someone who is not bringing you more problems, who just doesn't give you that, like, man, this chick is crazy, or this chick got a lot going on energy. You want somebody who feels calm in energy and that you feel peaceful around when you're with this person. To me, that is like should be a baseline for any woman that you're you're potentially dating out there.

SPEAKER_00: 48:18

Yeah, Rich, that's a great one. Um, and that one only shows itself as you get older. And majority of the women that I know that are older than 27, there's something about life for even men above the age of 27 that you start seeing the world a little bit different and you're more composed about a lot of things. And I think that's crucial for someone who's dating but looking for a long-term partner. We talked about this on a previous episode, Rich. It depends on what you want. Are you driving in the highway and you haven't eaten in six hours and you just need to get quick food to get to your destination, then this is a different criteria. That's crash and burn, that's you just being outside, running through women, just living your life, and you know, hopefully you find a girl that's on the same type of path. We're talking about a long-term relationship here, right? Yep, exactly. So, with that said, a peace of mind is, I mean, shit, if we did the tier list today, I would say peace of mind is immediately on tier one, maybe S tier, because that's a person you got to come home to every day. That's a person you got to solve real life shit with every day. That's someone that if everything goes well, you're gonna have kids with. You're gonna go through family crisis with. You don't need two crazy people in the canoe. Because if there's two crazy people in the canoe, the canoe's gonna tip over and you're gonna spend most of your life in water, in hell, just constantly trying to put someone else together while you're taking your kid to first grade, while you're also on the phone with your mom about her chemotherapy. Life is already fucking nuts. Do not voluntarily bring a crazy person into your life. And I am definitely speaking from experience. So, Rich, I I agree with you, bro. That you we can end the show right now. That's that that's a great green flag. You definitely want somebody that brings you peace and is mentally stable.

SPEAKER_01: 50:11

Yeah, for sure. I'll I'll kick off another one. I think that naturally when we're in a long-term relationship, I think part of the end goal is to the ability to reproduce and have children. And a woman with like motherly instincts, I feel like is super important.

SPEAKER_00: 50:28

Yeah, Rich, because you're gonna get the woman hive on our platform. It's all right. Because you know women could be women could be anything today. What do you mean by motherly instincts? Please, don't you have women with motherly instincts in your life already? Please describe them.

SPEAKER_01: 50:43

Listen, I'm trying to help women by letting them know what are the things that we're looking for. Good shit. Right? So naturally nurturing. Nurturing. It's like super simple things. Like if you see I have a cut on my finger and you're like, damn, I'm bleeding, and you go out and you give me a band-aid, I'm gonna look at you, I'm gonna be like, damn, I know you would do that for our child. Like, that's such a nurturing thing. It's like I I know you have a small cut, but like I care enough to go out and get you a band-aid. Very simple things like that. Naturally nurturing and just caring for people and just caring about things. I think things like, man, let me make you a home cooked meal because I want to make sure that my man is well fed. I know he's tired, he's not gonna have enough time to make himself food. Let me clean the house a little bit, make sure that this is one less thing he has to worry about on his plate. Those are all sort of motherly instincts. And honestly, that makes you feel good because if you're thinking about having a long-term relationship that's gonna end in marriage and children, and you identify that early in a woman, that to me is a keeper.

SPEAKER_00: 51:55

Rich, that's such a good one because the way I framed it was, and I had something similar, was just someone that's warm and courteous, and that translates into so many things, especially if you plan on having a family with this person, and especially if you have a good, warm and loving relationship with your with your own family, your immediate mother. And I think there's ways that you can peep these things early if you're just in the dating phase. I do want to also say to our community, a lot of these green flags, you're not gonna see them until or you're not gonna know the truth of the person until you've been with them for a long time. Because I've been on 50 job interviews and I've never showed up in sweats. But please believe that if the job is janky enough, eventually I'm not gonna be in a in a suit on my best behavior. As time goes on, people show their true selves. And I think dating is job interviews. So don't be fooled by first day job interview her. Give these things time, and you'll see if these green flags that you've seen early start eroding and they eventually become themselves. People can't hide themselves for that long. So give it time. I did wanted to mention that as a caveat up front. I'm glad I'm mentioning it now. But you want a woman who's warm and courteous because it seeps into a lot of things in life, Rich. And I do believe that a sign is how they treat their own family.

SPEAKER_01: 53:20

Yeah, that was gonna be uh naturally uh one of my next points. It's like how well she treats her dad, how well she treats her mom. It is a natural way for you to identify, like, oh, this is how she would treat my mom or my dad or our future children. And it there's something to be said about a person who's nice to their own family. It's easy to feel like they're going to be nice to you as well, right? Like, I don't met a lot of women that I know and I've seen firsthand that just like are very dismissive to their parents, tell them to shut up. Like, I've seen some crazy things. And in my mind, I'm like, bro, I would never tell my mom to shut up. Like, that's a curse word to me when it comes to my mom. Like, if you if you're comfortable enough to tell your mom to shut up, like what are you gonna tell me when you're upset?

SPEAKER_00: 54:11

Nah, that's a fucking, that's a salvaje. That's a savage. Anyone that can talk crazy to their parents is a savage. Yeah, and it's only a matter of time before they're talking to you like that. Because you can tell someone's truest character when you see how they treat people who can't do anything for them. Correct. Or how they treat people who have to love them unconditionally. So I find a pattern between women who treat their siblings or their parents like shit because they know their love is unconditional. Their mom is gonna love them no matter what. That is a savage. That is a person you need to get the fuck away from ASAP because it's only a matter of time after they've convinced you by being their job interview selves for a year that they're the perfect person, you fuck around and put a kid in that woman, what's gonna happen is you're gonna be dealing with a wolf that was hiding very low in sheep's clothing and now has the leverage to treat you like shit every day. Again, going back to point zero of green flags, you don't gotta worry about that if you take care of yourself, gentlemen. I promise you, if you take care of yourself, you keep a nice little savings account stocked with I gotta get the fuck out of here money, and you're a good dude, and you show up to the world, you brush your teeth, you comb your hair, you wear a deodorant, you wear a cologne. Trust me, you're not gonna be at a disadvantage. But that's definitely a green flag, Rich. I I think those are two separate ones. I was gonna put them as one, but they are separate. One is a nurturing woman, a woman who is warm and courteous, is gonna take care of you when you're sick, is gonna show empathy, apathy. They're connected to the world in a very maternal kind of way. It's very hard for men to be that way because we're just not like that from a wiring standpoint. It's really hard for a woman to lose that instinct and just become negative and dark and fucking disconnected from all living things. That is definitely something you want to pay attention to. Definitely a green flag. And the second one, which you brought up, I just want to keep our list going here, is see how they treat their family. See if they're compassionate with their family, see if they have love and empathy for their family. Very important. And then see the way she treats your family. A girl that's gonna dismiss your mother, or let's say you got to go have dinner at your mother's house and she's just not even respectful out the gate, definitely something you have to pay attention to. See what's happening? We're going to red flags. We're trying to keep it positive.

unknown: 56:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 56:34

Yeah. I got one, Rich, that I think is in line with all of these that's really important to me. You've known me for a long time, bro.

SPEAKER_01: 56:40

Yeah, let's hear it.

SPEAKER_00: 56:42

I am the dreamer of all dreamers. I like to live in my fucking mind and believe there are things that I can achieve that most people around me are think I'm being crazy. I think you have to partner yourself with someone that has a positive outlook on the world. Huge. You have to position yourself with people, not just a woman, a green flag of anybody around you is that they're not going to be delusional, but they're definitely going to believe that life is not grim and it's this sad place. And every time you get in the car, she's like, oh my God. She's just pessa. The whole world is on top of her. I I can't find myself to live with a negative person or grow a family with a negative person, let alone be on a few dates with a negative person. I like people who are upbeat, got a positive outlook on the world, and I find that to be a positive trait in anybody I'm around. So definitely a green flag, someone with a positive outlook on life.

SPEAKER_01: 57:37

I love that one. That one's huge. One that's kind of like a step deeper from the healthy family ties, I feel, is if you're having a conversation with a woman and she starts talking to you, inquiring about your family and your grandparents and sort of like your family lineage, like that just shows that she's trying to understand you and where you come from at a deeper level. And that to me, bro, is a is a huge green flag. Because you could tell she's invested, she's in it for the long term. She wants to know everything from step zero to present day.

SPEAKER_00: 58:11

You know, it's funny you mentioned that, and I don't know if you know this, but you mentioned this on a previous episode. Yeah. Yeah. This seems to be a pattern for you. And I I want you to dig a little bit deeper. I I know why, but why is this one keep coming up for you?

SPEAKER_01: 58:24

I think because I think it's such an intimate thing for a woman to want to know more and understand your background, understand your heritage, your lineage, where you come from, how your parents migrated to this country, how they defy the odds. Like, I think most people present themselves very surface level. And when you have a woman who's inquiring deeper than surface level, that that just shows an interest that's undeniable, right?

SPEAKER_00: 58:54

Yeah, for sure. And I I think what uh the next one I want to mention, it's kind of correlated is a green flag when you're dating is you don't just want to be with somebody that's only interested in themselves, but they're not glued to the internet or social media or their friend circle in a way that's alarming to you. That everything that they communicate is connected to this world that is basically bullshit. It's just cap. They're online all day, they're constantly seeing how celebrities live, they're constantly seeing how their friends live, how they're displaying themselves online. And somehow all your conversations with her revolve around all these things that you're not a part of, but she sees herself doing because of where the world is going, where social media is going, where celebrities are going. That is a person that is disconnected from reality. So I would position this green flag as find yourself with their own life goals, their own worldview, someone who's connected to reality. They're not always comparing and competing with friends and families. Family and and the internet. That's important. I'm not sure if you've ever experienced anything like that, Rich.

SPEAKER_01: 1:00:05

Yeah. I mean, that that goes back to like you dating uh women and they're just constantly on their phone and they're checking their DMs and they're checking Snapchat and they're checking the latest. And it's just like, bro, are you hello? Like I'm here. Are you present? Are you engaged in this date? Do you want to know more about me? Um, that that happens more often than not. And I feel like it's a huge green flag when you both could put your phone down for an hour and a half dinner, have natural conversation and chemistry, and just start to build the foundations of like a cool, you know, new relationship.

SPEAKER_00: 1:00:39

That that one's a tough one. I could see our community getting a little lost with that one. So I the way I would frame that green flag is just find someone who's connected to reality. Is that does that feel helpful?

SPEAKER_01: 1:00:50

Yeah, I mean, that coupled with being present, right? Because you you need to be present to be connected with reality. Like your whole life is not on your phone or is not with the latest gossip or the latest TV show. It's just like be present. And I think that that speaks to like the reality that that you're speaking of.

SPEAKER_00: 1:01:09

I was definitely dating a woman that I would think one of every three conversations we had were some of the dumbest, most discouraging conversations. And a lot of them would lead off with her DMing me something she's seen like on Shade Room. And it'll be like a man should pay for the first date for the first 10 meals before a woman has to pay just dumb shit. Things that are just derivative, lowest common denominator, uh like, oh, what kind of bag would be a the first bag you would get a girl? Would it be this bag or that bag? And I'm thinking to myself, when this girl is sending me this shit, who the fuck is falling for this? Like, what human on the by the way, on Instagram and TikTok, you could send a DM to 30 people. So she's probably just fishing lines, sending out the same DM, seeing what fool is gonna respond and be like, I would be the person to do this. I would, I would take you to Paris. Uh, because I think that's a good first date. Don't be fooled by these girls that are connected to the internet because they're connected to a false reality. Here I go, going negative again. So if you want I was about to say, so if you We're drifting, we're drifting. Bro, because a lot of these green flags are rooted in experience with women that are living in fucking La La Land. They're not connected to reality. Yeah, you're right. And I would say this because I think it's crucial to anybody that's listening to this episode this far into the episode. It may not seem worth it when you're on date number 15 and you're, like you said, Rich, you're you're you're expanding your horizons, you're meeting women from different cities, different areas, different countries, different cultures, maybe a little bit of different age gap, and you're not limiting yourself to the thing that you are most comfortable with. What happens is by date 16, it's almost like job interviews. We talked about it before. You start learning what you don't like and what you don't want, and you start zeroing in like, oh, I do find this trait about women very admirable, something very positive. And that's what this episode is. It's green flags. Things that Rich and I had noticed from dating in our past, and and just kind of zeroing in on. Oh, this is some an early sign that can pay dividends later if I pay attention to the right things. So even if I were to go a little negative, I'm really just trying to point you to the positive. Any girl that's overindulged on social media and life comparisons and she's not connected to reality, I'm not saying that's a bad person. You just might be meeting her at a different time in her life. All I'm saying is it's not gonna benefit you at the end of the day because you're gonna be building foundation on fucking quicksand. And who wants to build foundation on something like that? So definitely find you a girl that's rooted in reality and is not constantly comparing themselves to everybody else. Rich, I do want to go through a quick recap of where we're at so far, and then you could give the next green flag. Let's do it. So far, woman who brings you a peace of mind and she's also mentally stable. That was number one. Number two, find you a nurturing woman, a woman that's warm and courteous. Uh, how they take care of you when they're sick, how they treat your son. Rich, you I know you have a son, so you you you're dating with a son. How do they treat him when he's sick? How do they treat him when he's having a bad day? Pay attention to these things. How do they fucking treat animals when you bring her to the zoo? Is she detached from other animals? This is a savage if she isn't. How does she treat her own family? We talked about that. You know, like how does she treat her mother? How does she treat her siblings? Uh, does she have a positive outlook on life? Or is she a negative person? Positive people tend to be good people to be around, not just one that's dating. Is she interested in your life? Does she ask you questions? Is she not only talking about herself when y'all go on a date? Last one, the one we just covered. Is she someone connected to reality? Those are our lists of green flags so far, Rich. What do you got?

SPEAKER_01: 1:05:09

Yeah, I I want to add financially responsible and knows how to manage her own money. You know that was on my list, but I didn't get to it because I knew you would.

SPEAKER_00: 1:05:17

I knew you would.

SPEAKER_01: 1:05:18

Yeah, I mean, you you know I would. So let me frame it this way, because I don't want this to be confusing for our listeners. I'm not saying that you should find a woman who has it all put together financially, but there's something to be said about a woman who doesn't need money from you and who's very career-driven, has her own money, has a savings, is financially responsible. She's not trying to have a Louis V. Bergenbag every quarter, right? Or following the latest trends and just blowing all her money on fashion. I think there's something to be said about you going on a date with a woman and you paying for nine out of the 10 meals, and there be that one moment where she's like, nah, babe, you've paid for a few meals, like I got this one.

SPEAKER_00: 1:06:04

Yeah, bro. At least tap your fucking pockets, even if you're not gonna pay for it. At least make it seem like you're looking for it.

SPEAKER_01: 1:06:11

At least pump fake.

SPEAKER_00: 1:06:12

Yeah, yeah. At least do the pump fake. Oh, I left it in my other bag. I was but you don't have uh cash out. But you're right. Financially, Rich, you have to tell our viewers, in case it's the first time they're watching us or listening to us, who are you when it comes to finances and why is this so important that if you focus so much on your finances, it's essentially just like having a huge hole in your ship. And your whole ship is built on stability.

SPEAKER_01: 1:06:38

Yeah, that's exactly right. I mean, I'm fortunate enough to be in a situation where I'm comfortable enough and stable enough to be the primary breadwinner and I can cover all expenses.

SPEAKER_00: 1:06:48

And you preach financial intelligence. That's something that's I've since I've known you, you've always been on that.

SPEAKER_01: 1:06:54

Correct. However, if my significant other is really bad with money, it's exactly what you just said. It's a hole in the ship that's just leaking water. Eventually, like we're both gonna drown because this hole's not patched. So her coming to the situation or the relationship rather, financially stable or even financially responsible, I would frame it, that brings comfort to you knowing that, all right, this girl is not going to be a financial burden on our relationship because at a bare minimum, she can handle her own even without me.

SPEAKER_00: 1:07:28

Yeah. I mean, I I do want to couple one into that one. That would be number eight for us. She's responsible. I think responsible is a good catch-all, and she's responsible for her own finances, and she's responsible for her own health. Those are single-player games. You cannot blame other people for your personal health, meaning fitness, mental wellness. Rich had a nice rant about mental health and how it associates to actual physical health. And you should go into our old episodes and watch that. But I think your personal finances before you meet someone and your personal health is crucial. And I would put that under the bucket of just being a responsible adult. A green flag is meeting a responsible adult.

SPEAKER_01: 1:08:13

Yeah. And my last one, which I think piggybacks off of this one, is just being an accountable person, right? Someone who can make her own choices and someone who, you know, can admit their own faults. So for example, if she shows up late to the date and she says, Oh, I'm sorry, babe, like, you know, I was doing my makeup, it took longer than expected, or I was doing my hair, I was driving, you know, whatever it is, but at least have the courtesy to be accountable and say, I know I messed up, I know I showed up late, I know I took too long. That is invaluable because it's gonna save a lot of headaches, a lot of future arguments, and that's a huge green flag in my book.

SPEAKER_00: 1:08:55

I'm laughing because I swear I don't think you notice you literally listed all of these in the red flags, just reverse. I don't know what scars you have. Bro, by the way, Rich is someone that's so consistent with who he is that I know for a fact that you subconsciously fucking branded these things in your mind on past relationships and you will not experience it again. And I actually think that's a good thing. And the reason why I bring it up, because you want to know what you don't like and what you do like in people. Everybody's different, bro. Because you we could easily go through this list for a guy that loves to be so self-dependent that he doesn't need a woman to hold him down when he's sick, he doesn't need a woman to be financially responsible because he has a lot of money. So I think again, I'm gonna keep peppering in reality into these lists, which is easy to make content, which I don't necessarily subscribe to, but I do understand that a lot of our guys want this. Use your own fucking brain, understand what you personally like. And Rich, I think you've made it very evident. You have your own system for weeding out people that are not going to be helpful for you or beneficial in your life, and that's why they keep coming up.

SPEAKER_01: 1:10:05

Yeah, that's exactly right. Listen, these are my failures, right? So we're trying to show you what our failures are so you don't have to repeat these same mistakes. And I've had enough reps to know, damn, I really don't like these things about certain women, and I do know the things that I do like. So knowing about the green flags will hopefully help some of our viewers understand how to detect them early and bucket them and say, okay, I'm gonna separate this particular girl out of the bunch because I've already identified two or three green flags that I really like about her. But if you don't know those green flags beforehand, it's hard to sort of identify them as you're moving on in the dating world.

SPEAKER_00: 1:10:49

And everybody's different, like buying a car, like like taking a career job. Some people may be interested in certain parts of the benefits, some people may ignore those same parts of the benefits. But you have to know what you want and what you need in order to strive, thrive, and be happy in a relationship. I do want to close out with two more green flags, but I want to make this note. There's a big difference between playing a short-term game with someone and playing a long-term game with someone. And Rich is someone since I've known him, he's only been interested in playing longer-term games with women because you've made this point to me just as friends talking. Justin, my life is so much easier when I have this part of my life under control, which is I'm not constantly outside, I'm not going to parties, I'm not dating, I'm not getting drinks with my boys to meet people. When you can minimize that amount of chaos in your life, playing the short-term game of just trying to find someone to be a future partner, the long-term payoff is beautiful because now you have stability. You know who your partner is. You know that y'all are going to come home to the same house. You know that you've made a commitment to be with each other long term. So that is something you have to pull from these green flags. There is a benefit to playing short-term games, but they should lead to long-term.

SPEAKER_01: 1:12:04

Yeah, that's exactly right.

SPEAKER_00: 1:12:05

I do want to get to the final green flags that I have. Uh, Rich, if you want to add to them, feel free. But this will be number 10 and 11. Number 10 is really big for me because it's personal to me. I grew up, I didn't really have a lot growing up, and I learned to survive without having a lot. And maybe now I'm financially stable enough to take care of myself and a family, but that doesn't mean that life won't throw you a curveball and shit could get hard, shit could get difficult. You can get a flat tire on the road, you could go on vacation and something could go wrong, flight gets canceled, it rains all week. I need to see this in my future partner. And a green flag to me is someone that is stable and solid during hard times. When shit gets wicked, can you stand by me and be strong? And I save that one for the end for myself because I think that's the ultimate long-term game test for a woman from a man. Yeah, things are good when we first start dating, and I'm young and I'm healthy, and everything's on the up and up. But you won't know who's really by your side. And this goes for even more than women. You won't know who's really by your side until things are not going positive. That's how you know if you have a ride or die with you. That's how you know you have someone that's gonna not only not be a burden but contribute to solving the problem that's in front of you. To me, that's the ultimate green flag, Rich. You definitely want someone that can rock with you during hard times because that'll tell you the level of quality and character you have in your partners.

SPEAKER_01: 1:13:41

Yeah, bro. She got to be comfortable when some days you guys can afford a steakhouse or when some days you gotta order something from the valley menu. For sure. Like it really shows to her character and and you know, it shows that hey, I don't I don't care about what situation we're in as long as I'm with you. Like I'm here for you. I'm a ride or die. Um, we're gonna figure it out together. That is a huge green flag.

SPEAKER_00: 1:14:06

I remember dating that I booked a trip for me and a young lady that I was with for a little bit. And when we were boarding our connecting flight because the weather changed our direct flight, she wound up meeting me somewhere in, you know, in the airport, like when you got to connect international, there's a lot of like moving around you gotta do. And this girl took so long for one part of the flight, I think it something happened with her bags, that we missed the connecting flight. So we were just in the airport for a cool like day, 24 hours. So it was either we had to get a hotel in a bullshit ass city in the middle of the United States, or we had to wait in the airport. And I was super calm because this is a crisis, this is a fucked up situation. We just lost one day. Bro, this girl was tweaking the whole time, bro.

SPEAKER_01: 1:14:58

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_00: 1:14:58

And what I really wanted to tell her was it was her fault that we didn't catch the connecting flight. But I could tell from that moment that not only was the rest of the trip gonna be a fucking nightmare, but in that crisis, I could see, damn, this is for a vacation. Imagine if something went wrong, like I got fired, or she had a family death, or uh we caught a flat tire on the anything. Anyone that can't operate calm and collected under pressure or doesn't trust that you can carry the burden of being calm and under pressure is someone that you don't want around for the long term. It's just that level of chaos is not helpful for anybody. So pay attention to these things when things don't go the right way and somebody reacts that way. It's always a good sign when you're with someone that is solid during hard times. And I'll just close out with this one, which I think is in addition to that point, is you want to be with somebody that reacts positively when things change. You want, again, back to someone who's positive. Rich, you've moved around a few times, you've switched careers. How much easier is it when someone is down to take that little detour with you when they're positive about life change?

SPEAKER_01: 1:16:05

It's huge. It just shows to the amount of trust that they have in you. It's just like, okay, we need to move to a new city or we'll move into a new job, or our commuting route has changed. Like, I'm here for it. And and feeling that trust in your significant other is super valuable, huge green flag because you know that foundation of trust is there. And um, you two can conquer anything together.

SPEAKER_00: 1:16:30

Rich, I want to recap our top 10 with a bonus. You point out the one that's the most important, as if we were doing the tier list that you think is the most important. I'm gonna read through them at the end. You pointed out. Recap of green flags, a follow-up to our red flags episode, which we got a lot of shit for. Here you go, guys. Women are great. They also come with green flags. Here's our top 10 list of women's green flags. Number one, a woman who brings you peace, is mentally stable. Number two, a nurturing woman, a warm and courteous woman, someone who can take care of you when you're sick or look out for your family if anything went wrong. You want someone that's nurturing around you, definitely a green flag. Number three, treats her own family with love, care, and compassion. Number four, you see how they treat other people they can't do for them. You want someone that's courteous to the server, to a homeless person, to the lady at church, someone that's courteous to people outside of themselves. Number five, they have a positive outlook on life. Number six, they're interested in you and your life. They all they don't only talk about themselves. Green flag number seven, someone who is connected to reality, not living through their phone or celebrities or other people's realities. Just stay away from the dumb dumbs. That's number seven. Number eight, green flag, someone who's responsible for all the essential things in their in life, responsible for their cleanliness, responsible for their health. And most importantly, to Rich who brought up this green flag, someone who's responsible for their own finances. Because Rich ain't trying to take care of nobody else's debt. He already got out of bankruptcy himself. He's definitely not trying to save nobody else. Green flag number nine, be accountable. Don't play the victim. Don't blame other people for your life situation. Learn accountability. Somebody that just is late is going to own up to it. They're not going to blame the world. Number 10, someone that's solid, 10 toes down during hard times. Life is crazy. Life is difficult. Challenges will present themselves in a long-term relationship. Somebody that is solid during hard times. And then the bonus, someone who reacts positively when plans change, things change. Someone that is a win to your sail, not a fucking wave that's pushing you back or a hole in your boat. Rich, I went through 11. Which one of these is your S-tier, God level green flag that you're looking for and you want our community to look out for?

SPEAKER_01: 1:19:00

By far, if she brings you peace, calm energy, not chaos. I'm not trying to have my car keyed. And if things don't work out, I'm not trying to owe. I just I just it never happened to me, but I just picture, I just picture the psychotic girl like things not going right, and the psychotic girl just key my car. Or a better real-world example is owing thousands of dollars in child support because things didn't work out. I had a child with this person, and now she's just wreaking havoc on my finances because we're not together. A woman can either be your uh a burden or it could be the best thing that ever happened to you. Choose wisely.

SPEAKER_00: 1:19:41

Burden or blessing. Being single and dating. What are the top green flags you need to look out for? Make sure you get a blessing, not a burden. I love it, Rich. We did it. We are being positive about dating in 2025. I mean, why wouldn't we be? We're we're both in relationships.

SPEAKER_01: 1:20:01

Yeah, there's hope for everyone out there for sure.

SPEAKER_00: 1:20:04

I ain't gonna lie, don't let me fuck around and get single again because then I'll just be negative all the time about it. I'm gonna be like our 41-year-old guy who fucking emailed in and be like, ain't no hope out here. It's just bullshit.

SPEAKER_01: 1:20:16

Hey Steve, there's still hope, man. Keep trying.

SPEAKER_00: 1:20:18

There's still hope. Rich, uh, quick sign off on your end before we get out of here.

SPEAKER_01: 1:20:22

Yeah, man. Listen, we're on YouTube. We're very excited to be putting out some clips on YouTube. So subscribe on YouTube, failures media. And um, yeah, share this with a friend, man. That that's how that's the only way we grow is uh word of mouth and and sharing this content that's relatable to to one of your friends. All right, peace.