SPEAKER_01: 0:03

Misunderstood is a very intense phrase. People could just be confused about you. People could just find you a little bit weird. I think people finding you weird is a good thing because it helps you find your flock. You find your flock by flocking. You try different activities, things that naturally you drift towards, things that you're naturally curious about, things that may be out of the norm for most people, but you actually are interested in. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not being misunderstood. You're just misunderstood by your immediate tribe. Find your flock of people because you'll be doing activities that are normal to them. And quickly you'll realize, oh shit, I'm not misunderstood anymore. Failures Podcast. Today we're talking about being misunderstood. Not just misunderstood by everyone, misunderstood by the people who love you most or claim to do. Why feeling misunderstood is breaking men and leading to more male loneliness. According to research, seven out of ten men report that they feel like they needed more emotional support than they got last year. But the research also proves the support they felt like they needed didn't come from the people in their own homes, their friends, their family, their girlfriends, even their wives and their own children. So if you are out there and you feel misunderstood, listen, you're not being dramatic. And more importantly, you're not alone. But here's the twist being close to someone doesn't mean that they automatically are going to understand you. That is the whole point of this episode. And if you listen to this episode, we're gonna help you guys navigate and how to get out of that trap of feeling misunderstood. You know that feeling when you come home, you lay your head down, you had a crazy day at work, you're helping pay the bills, you're going to college, you're carrying a lot of a burden on your back. And you think to yourself, damn, why don't the people around me understand me? Well, you need to stop asking yourself that question and just relax. Put everything down, don't do anything. Listen to this episode. Don't mask being misunderstood as a strength. We're gonna help you with a lot of things and much, much more. Rich, I have a very specific question to you related to this episode. And I kind of know the answer, and I'm excited for our listeners to hear what you gotta say. At any point in your life, did you ever feel misunderstood? And more specifically, misunderstood by people you loved?

SPEAKER_00: 2:30

Yeah, man, absolutely. All throughout my life, I felt misunderstood, specifically by my parents and, you know, my mother. I remember 17, 18 years old, we were running the radio show together, and she just thought that I wanted to be a DJ. She thought that that was the path that I was choosing. And little did she know, I was creating the website, I was behind the scenes, I had no desire to be a DJ, but she didn't understand that. Later on in life, I tried to be a music producer, and she was like, Man, you don't know how to play any instruments. Like, why are you trying to be a music producer? And I just, you know, try to let her know that that was a hobby that I was interested in. But that was another moment where she really didn't understand what I was trying to do. And even just upon uh a couple years ago, I was investing in crypto for the first time back in 2011, 2012. And, you know, the the exchange was a Chinese exchange. So I told her, Oh, yeah, I'm buying these crypto tokens that you know they're ran by Chinese people. And she was just like, Wait, what are you doing? You're investing in fake money? I was like, No, mom, it's crypto, like it's this new thing. And she did not understand what I was trying to do or invest in. So, you know, sometimes wanting to be understood, I think, is healthy. So you feel supported by your family, friends, and your significant other. But, you know, other times trying to seek validation from these people can oftentimes lead to a dangerous path. So that's what we're here to unpack.

SPEAKER_01: 4:01

Rich, I do want to take a few steps back because you laid out three gems of stories that I'm pretty sure our younger community could relate to because that's the target that we wanted to hit on this episode. Not necessarily an older guy who doesn't feel understood, but shit, it happens to me all the time. I'm 39, you're 37. I do feel sometimes, even in my own relationships with my girlfriend or my close friends or my parents, to this day I still feel very misunderstood because I feel like I chose a path that not many people in my family chose. So naturally, most people who have never done what you're doing are not going to understand what you're doing. And I think for the younger version of ourselves, the young man between 16 and 26 years old, if you've chosen a path that's a little bit different than everybody in your family, then by proxy, you're gonna find yourself having to over-explain things. And by nature, you're not going to be understood. Hence where being misunderstood comes from. Rich, you mentioned something in the story about crypto that I want to dive a little bit deeper in because that was a concept that was foreign to most people at that time. So I could imagine what you were going through being excited that you discovered this new money glitch in the world, but you were trying to explain yourself to someone that you loved and someone that you wanted their approval, but they just were not understanding what you were talking about.

SPEAKER_00: 5:27

Yeah, I mean, listen, a Latin Dominican mother, you know, in her 50s trying to understand cryptocurrency, I had no idea how to explain this to her. So the best thing I could come up with was the only thing that existed at the time was a Chinese cryptocurrency exchange. So that's what I told her. I said, it's these, you know, Chinese-made tokens that exist in the digital world that um are increasing in value. And I think the future state of this ecosystem is to revolutionize the financial industry. And she was just like, What the hell are you talking about?

SPEAKER_01: 6:02

By the way, you just confused me right now.

SPEAKER_00: 6:04

Yeah. So then I was just like, Mom, listen, just know that I put$10 and now that$10 is$50. And she was like, Oh, wow. Like, so she's like, How can I get in? And, you know, we were we went down that rabbit hole. But it was very difficult for me to explain to her what crypto was back in 2011, 2012.

SPEAKER_01: 6:23

Rich, uh off top, I just would say, what's your advice given that story you just said, and now that you're tapping back into that younger version of yourself, what's the best advice to a young guy that is doing something a bit different, but he is excited about what he's doing, but the people around him don't understand it?

SPEAKER_00: 6:40

Yeah, I mean, certainly try to explain things to them in a way that they would understand, use phrases that are potentially common to them. I think a lot of frustration comes from the receiving end of the information when you're trying to explain something that they have no knowledge or education on. Then you get frustrated because you feel like, oh, my parents don't understand. But sometimes it's really on you to explain to them things properly in a way that's digestible to them.

SPEAKER_01: 7:12

Yeah, there's something out there called the ostrich effect where young people tend to just dig their heads into the ground and hope that the world passes them by and they don't get noticed. But the reason why, you know, the ostrich effect is a thing is because the ostrich thinks because it put his head into the sand that no one could see him. And you can see it's a whole body and it's still a target for prey. So I think as a young person, you assume that if you just dig your head in the ground and you just kind of ignore everyone else, that people are gonna stop asking you questions. And I think it's a big portion of this episode we're gonna dedicate to that feeling of you isolating yourself or ostriching yourself to remove yourself from everyone else. It doesn't do what you think it's gonna do. It actually creates more confusion, more moments for concern. Rich, in the pre-show meeting, you did discuss, you know, you do have a young son, you've been in this situation before. Isolation and hiding and ostriching yourself in the sand doesn't really help. What do you think that creates a world for? And how do you, as a parent, how would you look at that situation?

SPEAKER_00: 8:18

Yeah, it creates a world of hostility, of isolation, of loneliness, of depression. Like wanting to be supported in anything that you're doing is so pivotal to the growth of any human being. So when you isolate yourself and you don't allow yourself to have a positive support system around you of people who believe in you, of people who understand you, you start to handicap yourself. And that's when you start to isolate yourself, you start to feel lonely, you start to feel like the world doesn't understand you. It starts small, right? It starts with your parents not understanding you, friends, potentially significant other, but then that thing can grow into an idea where you feel like the world doesn't understand you, and you step out of your door with that mentality that the world doesn't understand you. Yep. And, you know, we've said this often, just like sometimes how you show up in the world is how the world sort of receives you.

SPEAKER_01: 9:14

Yeah, and I listen, I don't think this episode is going to be unique to any person that got through their teenage years. I think your teenage years are literally made for this exact conversation. Everybody is looking for a unique strand of coolness to call their own when you're in high school. I'm talking about all the way to the most stereotypical jock and Mr. Popular, all the way to the kid working in theater or the class newspaper or someone that's a part of the chess club or part of some offshoot cool kid hacky sack community. Everybody wants to be original. Everybody wants to be different. And part of being different comes with being misunderstood. So it's almost like this sword that cuts both ways that you've created for yourself. And I think that's what we're talking about here. And the more you stop explaining yourself, the more you stop asking for help, the more you stop letting people into your world, you think you're being rebellious, cool, and different. But all you're really doing is building a wall for anybody that could potentially help you in the event you actually do need some help, understanding, or anyone to talk to. So it is a double-edged sword, but it's like almost automatic for any teenager or somebody that's in a life transition to block people out.

SPEAKER_00: 10:36

Yeah, I listen, I remember doing that a lot and sometimes almost intentionally. Like I would, I did go through a rebellious stage where I thought that no matter what I did, my mom wouldn't understand me. And because I had that mentality, I wouldn't share anything because I'm like, oh, she'll never understand. Like, so I would shut down, I would not communicate what I was working on or an interest that I had or what college major I was going to pursue because I really thought she wouldn't understand. And that isolation created separation. That separation ultimately, you know, led to a lot of loneliness in my teenage years. And it was very difficult for me to reframe my brain to say, let me try to explain this to my mom. Maybe she'll understand. Let me use words or phrases that she could potentially relate to to see if I can make her understand. And ultimately, the relationship between me and my parents did change once I reframed that.

SPEAKER_01: 11:36

Yeah, I mean, listen, this episode is dedicated to you, uh, Mr. Moral Masochist. Mr. Misunderstood. You find identity from being the guy who nobody understands. There is no success in being misunderstood. There's no success in being somebody who's difficult to get it connected with. And I think that's the other half of this episode that we will get into. You can't get any help if you don't communicate that you need help. So being Mr. Misunderstood is something that comes with no badge except for a badge of honor that you've created for yourself. So I just want to be clear that if you are complaining about being misunderstood, but you don't ask for help, you are no different than a man who voluntarily jumped into the deepest part of the lake and started drowning and didn't know how to swim, and then you got yourself out and complained the whole time, dripping wet. Man, nobody even came to save me when I was in the deepest end of the water. You're misunderstood because you want to be misunderstood. You drown because you wanted to drown. So I want to be very clear that finding identity through suffering is nothing that is like honorable. It's just a badge you created for yourself and you get to take the gold star out of the little sticker package and put it on yourself. And cool, that's how you find your identity. I'm with that. I've experienced that before. I've done things in my life that I wanted to be rewarded for, but frankly, no one gave a fuck. No one cared that I signed up for a marathon and no one showed up to the marathon when I wanted. But it's cool though. There's something that we talk about on this show and we've discussed in past episodes. There's an external scorecard, which is how you want the world to see you and what you want to be acknowledged for. And then there's the internal scorecard, and that's the thing that you have inside. What feels right to you? What is right to you? What is important to you? That is internal. If you're misunderstood, that's because you want the world to validate you for something that you wanted to do yourself. So I don't want to get too negative, Rich, but I do want to make that point clear because if you're misunderstood, most of the time it's because you shelled up and you didn't communicate and you haven't shared with anyone else.

SPEAKER_00: 13:50

Yeah, that's true. Don't try to be a mystery man and carry this mysterious mystique intentionally. Yeah. And then go out to the world and say, I'm misunderstood. Like, bro, you're the one that's hiding from the world, right? You decided to carry yourself with this mysterious demeanor. So don't complain and cry wolf at the same time, right? I I do want to pivot though, just because I feel like sometimes, and you've said this often, and I definitely want to unpack this. Sometimes as a teenager, you know, your parents have obviously seen you evolve over time, 14, 15, 16. You're probably 18, 19 now. And they still see you as that young, 13, 14-year-old teenager when you're really 17, 18, 19, off to college. And unfortunately, your parents and sometimes even your friends have mentally tied themselves to the old identity of who you used to be. And part of the misunderstanding is that you've evolved as a young man. You have different interests now, you have different emotions, you have different things in life that you're trying to pursue. And these folks who love you only see you as your old self. So I think we certainly need to unpack because that particular topic can also spark a lot of misunderstanding from the people who love you the most.

SPEAKER_01: 15:11

Rich, I can do a whole separate episode about what you just discussed. No, this is something very important to me. And it's important to Justin. And when I do have kids, it will be important to young Justin. The identity that we get as people usually comes from the really small tribe that we were born and raised in. But once you leave that tribe, your identity is yours to decide. But a lot of the things that we think we like just come from where we were born and raised. All the friends we think we were supposed to have all come from the people who were raised in your proximity, went to your high school. All the insecurities you have about being the little homie or the younger person in the family come from the fact that you have three older brothers or three older sisters. If you're skinny as a pencil in your 20s, or you're jacked like The Rock in your 30s, but you still have insecurities about feeling fat and you don't like eating certain foods, or you don't like being criticized for food, that's because you were probably chubby as a kid. A lot of this baggage that we carry into adulthood comes from the personas and the labels that were given to us as young people. And I think a lot of this episode has to do with that, Rich. I'm glad you brought that up. Mind-breaking news update to the young man watching this is that you will eventually be free of all these labels you were given as a young man. It's what you decide to do with those new labels and how you find new friends, find the new flock, find the new group of people to help you figure out who you are. But what you can't do is walk around your whole fucking life with a chip on your shoulder saying, I'm the best because no one understands me. No one cares. The people that were back in the day that judged you was because it was back in the day. You have a clean slate as an adult to clear the cash, hit reset on the computer that is your life, and start fresh. And you create your own journey and remove the chip from your shoulder because no one's really counting but you. You really think you're the most important person in the world, but you're not. The only thing you're important to is yourself. Everybody else got their own lives. They're not thinking about you as much as you think they are. So I agree with that, Rich. These labels that you start creating for yourself as you get older, it's good because you're discovering yourself. And you should double down on that, embrace that for sure.

SPEAKER_00: 17:37

Yeah, and sometimes these labels uh are brought upon you by your parents or your friends or the people that love you. So I oftentimes think of uh going off to college, and a year in, I knew that I was a completely different person than I was 12 months ago. So it's okay to go back home and feel a little bit misunderstood, right? You have new interests, you have new beliefs, you have new opinions. So I think when you're sort of changing and evolving as a young man, bro, it's okay to want to re-educate the people who love you of who you are in current present day. This is who I am, this is who I believe. Maybe you switch political parties. You know what I mean? Like, who knows? A lot could change in 12 months. But I think it's okay to go back home and let people know that you're not that same person that you were before you went off to college.

SPEAKER_01: 18:32

Rich, I have a great story that I just remembered from what you just said about being misunderstood as a young man. I've said it a few times on our podcast. When I was younger, my father and my brother were my heroes. These guys were active in the streets in a way that I could only sit on the porch or outside of the fifth floor window of where we lived at and admire them from the house. My mom would keep me at home because she didn't want me to be outside with my dad and my brother doing bullshit. And as I got older, I wished that they would invite me out so I could join their hood rat activities because I wanted to be a part of that so bad. But that wasn't my story. I was more like Kendrick. I was a good kid in a mad city. And what I learned about myself when I was younger, a lot of my identity came from how my father saw me. And my father didn't see me as like this active, charismatic guy who was good with women. He saw me as a really good kid that stood home with his mother and occasionally would fix the internet, or occasionally fix the cable box, or occasionally fix the remote controller when it broke. So I somehow got this identity, which I wanted nothing to do with when I was younger. My father's best friend, Chucky, who he was in the trade with, would hang out with him. There would be drinking in the house, and his friend Chucky, for whatever reason, would always call. Me an internet N-word. Oh, look at this little internet N-word. And he would say that I could fix anything on the internet. And I don't know where the fuck that came from. One time, our cable box, we had an illegal cable box and it glitched and it wasn't working. I knew from having a PlayStation and a Sega Dreamcast that sometimes if you disconnect it and there's a reset button on the back, you could reset. I think most kids knew that that had a gaming system. So on this illegal cable box, I reset the back of it and I disconnected it, waited 30 seconds, then reconnected. This is before Google and ChatGPT. My father's friend Chucky, his fucking mind exploded. He was like, yo, this kid is smart as fuck. Yo, Macho, you got a fucking, you got an internet N-word here. This kid is gonna be a genius. And every time I saw him after that, no lie, Rich, he would always give me his cell phone and be like, yo, can you fix this for me? Yo, can you add this thing on my phone? Yo, can you put music on my phone? I didn't want this identity that he gave me. But every time I would see my father's friends, they would give me technology. Like I was some sort of fucking internet best buy guru. And I hated it. I resented it so much. And I never felt more misunderstood because I wasn't a guy that was into tech, but I was being forced this label. Anyway, long story short, a girl that I had a huge crush on in middle school came to a family party with us, and Chucky was there with his son, and Chucky introduced me to his son as the internet guy. And I'm thinking, like, I'm not an internet guy. Like, I'm a cool guy. I'm like my father. So this was a prime opportunity, Rich, for me to change the narrative on young Justin. I asked my friend, who had a huge crush on, who was in a dancing crew. I said, yo, you have to dance with me during this family party because I have to kill this narrative of being the internet guy. And I knew how to dance salsa at that time. My homegirl was definitely really good at dancing. And our favorite song came on, Mark Anthony, Aguanile. It's a Salisa classic. If you know it, you know it. And we got to the dancing salasa. I'm like 12 years old. I'm killing it with my homegirl. I'm spinning her around. And the whole time I'm looking at my brother's friend, Chucky, like, do I look like a fucking internet guy now? Like, I'm really outside. This is me. Yeah. And that was a huge moment of my life because after that he stopped calling me internet guy. He called started calling me the Salcedo. Like, yo, this is the Salsa guy. He gave you a different label. And that is just a yeah, it's a small story to tell young people out there. It's quick how people could flip the narrative on you based on the little bit of information they have. I'm not an internet guy now. It's like, but if I would have rolled with that narrative and I would have stuck to that and I would have isolated myself and I would have vowed revenge, I would have just had all that pettiness inside of my body and I would have never changed the narrative. Sometimes you gotta let your family see who you are now. And I think you had mentioned that, Rich. And I'm sorry for the long story, but it triggered this old memory I had. I used to be the internet guy. I I'm not the internet guy now.

SPEAKER_00: 23:07

Yeah, no, I love that story. And, you know, this has happened to me in relationships too, with like significant others, where part of who I am is a person who's a homebody. I like to be home. I like to watch documentaries, I like to read books, I like to stay educated and informed. And in the beginning of a relationship, it's all exciting, right? You're going out to eat, you're doing different activities. But once she got to know the real me, she would say, Oh, why are we home all the time? And why are you always reading? And I want to watch a movie. I don't want to watch it, I can read it.

SPEAKER_01: 23:39

You catfish.

SPEAKER_00: 23:41

I catfish it.

SPEAKER_01: 23:43

You pop out catfish though, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 23:44

Listen, but I felt like in that moment, I felt misunderstood because I'm like, you knew who I was from the very beginning, even before we started this relationship, right? You knew that I like to study, watch documentaries, you know what I mean? So I didn't change. You labeled me one way, and now that you're seeing the real me, you're trying to reclassify the way that I am or my behavior, et cetera. So I think that happens a lot in relationships, bro, where sometimes women view you a certain way, especially when you're trying to curve them. And then, you know, when they sort of see the real you, the at-home you, they're just like, oh, I don't know if I'm really into the same things he's into.

unknown: 24:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 24:28

And you know what, Rich, I do want you to speak a little bit more on this because being misunderstood could be an overstatement because people are multifaceted. You haven't seen everyone in all their dimensions. I could be a different person around friends because I could be more charismatic and entertaining to the group. I could try to be funny because that's who I think I am. But when I'm alone with my girl in our apartment that we live together, she's getting to know a whole different side of me. I do like isolation. I do like being tucked away. I do like always having one AirPod and listening to a podcast in 2.5 speed. She finds that to be a little strange. But I don't necessarily feel like I'm misunderstood. I just feel like she gets the luxury of peeling back the onion that is me. And now she's getting to learn me in all angles. I snore. I enjoy going to bed early. I drink a lot of coffee. Um, I'm very dedicated to my job. And maybe I didn't sell that to her when we first met. Maybe I didn't put all of that on my hinge and my LinkedIn, but that's really who I am. So I think young people should give themselves the freedom to let themselves be misunderstood. Because misunderstood, like I said earlier, it might be an overstatement. Sometimes you're just someone that has a lot of layers, and even you're discovering them as you get older and you start experiencing more in your life.

SPEAKER_00: 25:48

Yeah, listen, uh it's certainly a knob that can be turned on and off and you know, on medium setting, because I look at this person who feels misunderstood as they also are not feeling supported. And I think that's partly where the misunderstanding comes from. That's a big one. It's like if you're on the pursuit of a goal, a dream, a career, a hobby, uh, if you have a business plan that you want to live through, if you're somebody who wants to go to the gym for the first time, whatever significant change you want to make in your life, you look to the people around you to sort of put a stamp on that decision that you're about to make. And you seek that external validation from the people that love you because you're trying to see if you're doing the right thing. These people love you, they care for you, they know who you are. And sometimes that external validation is healthy. It's okay to be like, hey, I'm thinking about doing this. What do you think? Right. Because if you do get the stamp, you feel supported. And then it gives you the impulse to go out and make that decision, go to the gym, you know, work on that business plan. The opposite of that is if you go out and execute that external validation and they did, they're like, oh, I don't know about that. And now you pull back, and now you feel like you're unsupported. You feel like, damn, but I really want to try this, but I feel misunderstood. Like they don't understand why I'm trying to pursue this particular passion or or dream. And that's the knob I'm talking about. It's like there's a fine line between wanting to have that external validation and that acceptance to be understood versus feeling like you don't have that validation, you don't have that support, and now you feel misunderstood.

SPEAKER_01: 27:38

Rich, I love what you just said. And there's two things I want to mention. I'll mention the first one quickly because I think the second point is speaking directly to what you just said. The first point is if you're a young person listening to this episode, obviously you feel conflicted about being misunderstood. Misunderstood is a very intense phrase. You can unpack that to lighter versions of misunderstood. People could just be confused about you, people could just find you a little bit weird. I think people finding you weird is a good thing because it helps you find your flock. I've said this on previous episodes. You find your flock by flocking. You try different activities, things that naturally you drift towards, things that you're naturally curious about, things that may be out of the norm for most people, but you actually are interested in. Join a Discord, join a Reddit, join a small community, prime your algo to find out more information, more communities about this weird thing that you're into. There's nothing wrong with that. Your family might be traditional for your family, but once you step out of it, it's okay. Because the more you lean into your idiosyncrasies and the things that make you a little bit different and weird, it's not being misunderstood. You're just misunderstood by your immediate tribe. But as you continue to flock, and I mean flock like birds flock together, find your flock of people because you'll be doing activities that are normal to them. And quickly you'll realize, oh shit, I'm not misunderstood anymore. Or at this part of my life, after school, I go hang out with this group of people and I'm not misunderstood. So be careful with that word because it has a lot of vengeance and spite in it. So, Rich, I just wanted to unpack that. That's the number one. Number two is I was just kind of going through our pre-show notes and we did a good amount of research. Seven out of every 10 men feel like they were misunderstood last year. They felt like they could have gotten more support from their family and they felt misunderstood. I get that. I can relate to that. But seven out of ten is that means only three men out of every 10 felt like they were seen and rewarded for how they showed up in the world. Stat number two, which was completely separate, Gallup poll shows that most men would much rather speak to their parents about their goals and get validation from the parents than they would their significant other. That threw me off a little bit. What that tells me is if you take both of those data points from the Gallup poll, is that men want validation from the women in their lives. That's what's most important to them. And to me, that is a conversation that's worth having between you and I because we discuss male loneliness a lot on this platform. And we discuss why men feel like they don't have a purpose. I think all those things come together, Rich. I don't know what train of thought I led for you.

SPEAKER_00: 30:25

Yeah, and listen, I think that not everything is for everyone. Sometimes you feel the need to share everything you're doing because you want validation from everyone who loves you and social media. Yep. Yeah, you feel like that gives you purpose and direction. But bro, I'll tell you a personal story, Just. I went through a period in my life where I went through a breakup and I was going through therapy because there were a lot of things about that relationship that didn't go right. And a lot of that I had the blame for, right? And I remember sharing to my parents that I was going to therapy, and bro, they looked at me crazy. They were like, So you're going to therapy? So you're talking to someone else about your problems? And like, who is this person? It's a stranger, a random person who doesn't know you. Like, why are you doing that? Bro, and I remember feeling so judged in that moment. Like, damn, I'm being judged for what I thought at the time was seeking help for something to help me unpack something that I knew was not right in my eyes. And I went to my parents for that sort of validation. Like, hey, look, I'm seeking help. I'm, you know, there's things about me that I'm not happy with, and I just want to seek like external guidance. And they looked at me crazy. Wow. And I felt very misunderstood in that moment. Yeah. And I'm not putting blame on my parents for not understanding, but my point is pick and choose what you share to the people you love, because not everything about your life is for everyone.

SPEAKER_01: 31:59

Yeah. Yeah. Rich. I mean, that is huge. And I think you kind of nailed what I was trying to get to is it feels like, based on all the research that we do from every episode, is that men, whether they'd like to admit it or not, are doing these things not for themselves, but they're doing it because they seek approval and validation from the women in their lives. And what happens is the validation from your mother transfers into your girlfriend or your wife. And I'd be honest with you, you know we try to be fair with our community and meet them halfway and be empathetic. But this is ground zero for flipping the narrative on feeling misunderstood. If your internal scorecard is, hey, I have these side hobbies and interests. No one really cares that I do them, no one really cares how much I succeed in them. But you know what? I'm happy that I'm doing that. And you know what? I'm excited that I get to do this every day. And I can't wait to accomplish my goals. And if you really want some validation and some pure group excitement, like people around you that are excited about what you're doing, just lean on the new tribe that you've created for that specific thing in your life. Stop giving other people in your life the power and the weapon of their validation. Most of them don't even know they have this power over you. So I love what you said, Rich, because you were seeking mental health and clarity and a calm in your life by taking a path that wasn't normal in your family. For all they knew, you were gonna try to shoot a parawin. That's how crazy they were reacting to this. But it was, you know what I'm saying? Like you might as well tell them that you were fucking snitching on the whole family to a random person. Because I'm pretty sure that's how they interpreted it. Because that's how my family would interpret something like that. But it's fine. You seeked something that was a little different and you went and did it. Whether you enjoyed it or not, it doesn't matter. You got to get the clarity you wanted. And that was a path that you wanted to choose.

SPEAKER_00: 34:04

Yeah, and listen, people who don't understand things naturally have a lot of resistance about whatever it is that you're doing. Like parents, friends, girlfriends, like when they themselves don't understand, they have usually a negative opinion about whatever you're doing because they don't understand it.

SPEAKER_01: 34:22

Bro, yeah, listen, you you already know, and we disagreed on this, but a few episodes ago, that small town mentality, small town mentality would absolutely strip the fucking life out of somebody that has big dreams. And unfortunately, it's not your family's fault. If they came from a little finca, a small little town in Puerto Rico, DR, anywhere, Mexico, if they came from a little place, a little village, and took their ass all the way to the United States to give you, second generation young man, first generation young man, an opportunity, you are reaping the fruits that they laid for you. But what happens is a lot of the fucking leash that comes from you flying is them putting their fucking makeup, their very limited small town mentality, and putting fear into your heart and making you feel misunderstood. But we've said this before. Sometimes you have to escape that mentality. You have to get away from that tribe mentality. It's not their fault. They just know what they know based on what they've done so far in their lives. It's your job to take it to the next mile. It's your job to take it further and come back and educate your family. And Rich, I feel so excited about sharing this feedback because it's my story. My family would not even know the other side of the fucking map of the United States existed if I didn't travel my ass all the way to California. And that's not a big deal to most people. People are traveling all over the world. My mom loves California now. My mom has told me a few times, in a few years I'm gonna retire in LA. That was not common knowledge in my family prior to me moving out here. And trust me, I didn't do anything unique or crazy. I just took a job across the country and I took the opportunity that was in front of me. Not because I wanted to live here, just because I was chasing a bag. But look at what I was able to do by being a little strange to my family for five months. Rich, if it was up to them, I would still be in Jersey. If it was up to them, it was up to my father, I'd still be in New York. I would never leave. But I chose to go where I felt like my flock was at. And my flock was in music and entertainment. And the type of weird that I was into was just people that love to indulge about music, film, TV, designing, entrepreneurial ship, tech. And those are all my friends. And when I go home, I eat up and need with people that just want to talk some regular shit, which is fine because that's my home. But we don't have to sit around justifying what we do all day. It creates a very painful life where you're constantly having to justify what you do and why you do it and who you do it with.

SPEAKER_00: 37:10

Yeah, I love that. And I think we need to sort of sort some of these out because I feel like we're saying a lot and a lot of it is useful, but you know, we're saying that you have to communicate properly, right? In order to be understood. We're also saying to be cautious about what you share to the people who love you, right? We're also telling you to be aware that they might not understand where you're coming from or what you're in pursuit of. So what would be just you feel like you're number one, you're unequivocally number one. Like this is what you need to do to fight that feeling of feeling misunderstood.

SPEAKER_01: 37:46

What's big to me, Rich, is I've gotten really good at knowing that there is a trap called the I'll be happy when trap. And the I'll be happy when trap is when you steal yourself of the moment that is now. Wherever you're at currently is a beautiful moment because you know where you're going and you know why you're getting up every day with intentions. It's okay to want validation from other people. It's okay to have a goal that's bigger than anything anyone in your family has ever dreamed of. But what I find is a lot of these young men steal themselves of their youthful ignorance. They steal themselves of their youthful excitement and energy because they're constantly living in a future of I'll be happy when my mother understands why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'll be happy when I have$20,000 in my bank account and I could buy my first home. Rich and I can tell you from life experience. I'm 39, Rich is 37. Whenever you catch that rascally little rabbit called I'll be happy when, it's never as exciting, fun, and validating as you think it is. And you just robbed yourself of the five years of you pursuing that goal. So just understand that a lot of happiness and peacefulness comes from enjoying the pursuit that you're currently in. And that's okay. It's okay to feel like a little bit of resentment or being misunderstood, but that's all a part of the story, man. It's gonna be so much better when you get to that moment and you can look back and say, you know what? I wasn't mad at anybody for not understanding me. I was just on my path and I'm here now. And you'll find that we've said this on previous episodes, you'll find that most people don't respect how unique your vision was for yourself until you bring back the trophies, until you bring back a lion's head and you say, Oh, this is why I was gone for so long, or this is why I was isolated for so long, or this is why I was so quiet. I was pursuing a bigger vision. So don't steal yourself of the moment with I'll be happy when. That's gotta be Biggest piece of advice because being young is such a blessing, and I feel a lot of young people don't cherish it.

SPEAKER_00: 40:06

I love that. For me, man, I would say try to arrive to your identity as soon as possible, right? Try to figure out who exactly you are as soon as possible. Because I feel like once you strip away all external validation, you know exactly who you are, you're intentional about your future and your career and the goals that you have set for yourself, that external validation means very little to you and your determination and in your ambition. So I feel like, to your point, I feel like it's okay to feel misunderstood. But once you know exactly who you are, being misunderstood doesn't feel so bad. It's almost like you have acceptance over and you expect people to misunderstand you, right? Because not everybody understands everybody's journey. And, you know, your identity's one to you. You know who you are, you know what you're pursuing. It's okay if people outside of your orbit do not understand the path that you're on.

SPEAKER_01: 41:15

Yeah, I mean, look, that'll take me right to the next piece of actionable advice, Rich. It's like you have to understand what you really want. And I find that a lot of the conflict that comes from our community and a lot of the fight back in the comments section comes from people defending their parents' dreams for them. It comes from defending what other people have planned for them. It's never clear what these people actually want for themselves. It's never clear what these young men want for themselves. And I'm not sure if I'm making that point clear enough. It's like, yeah, your parents, even you, Rich, you have kids. I have a nephew that I've guided him most of his life. And just a few weeks ago, I offered him an opportunity, and this dude boldly told me, nah, I'm good. I don't want to do that. And I felt so angry because I was leading him every day of his life until that moment. And he chose to say no to me. I felt offended and I felt resentful and I got a little upset with him. But I let the holiday go by and we haven't spoken in a while, and it hit me. Man, this guy, I put him on the train tracks and I put him on the train. But when there was an opportunity for the cart to split into another direction, he chose the other direction. And I'm upset because he didn't follow my path. But that's fine. If I'm being honest about the advice I'm giving our community, my own nephew shitted on the advice I gave him at 22 years old. But you know what? Good for him. He's finally realizing what he wants out of this life. Well, he's starting to make his own decisions. And I believe that's gonna make him a happier person. That's gonna make him a more content person. And I'm sure if he's listening to this, he's probably thinking, damn, I can't wait to prove my uncle wrong. And you know what? I'm I'm for that as well. Fuck around and prove somebody wrong who didn't believe in you. It doesn't matter, but at least you're doing it for yourself, Rich. And I think that's something really important. If you know what you want to do and why you want to do it, you don't have to worry about being understood or misunderstood. That shit is just ammo for you to feel good about yourself. You know why. So keep doing it.

SPEAKER_00: 43:28

Yeah, I love that. And I would say, you know, to try to view the world from a place of understanding. I feel like your parents, your friends, your significant other, all these people love you, right? So when they do have an opinion on something that you're working on or something you're building, or something you're on the pursuit of, they're not speaking from a place of malice. I think these people are naturally concerned about you making a negative decision that'll either impact them or impact your life in a negative aspect. So I think that just that's maybe like level 300 type of advice because I feel like that maturity only comes once you get older and you understand, oh, I know why my mom said that. She's not shitting on my decisions, she's concerned about me. You know, I know why my girlfriend made that comment. She's not shitting on me, she's concerned about me. So reframing your mind to sort of view the other side of the spectrum of, hey, these people love me. They're giving me their advice and their opinions because they love me, not because they're trying to destroy what it is that I'm in pursuit of.

SPEAKER_01: 44:40

Yeah, yeah, Rich. I love that. And I think we're kind of like, we're walking around the same piece of advice, but I think it's crucial because if we're really attacking the one pain point that is feeling misunderstood, this is not exclusive to a 15-year-old. This can go all the way till you're in your 60s. If you chose to surround yourself with someone that doesn't understand why you do what you do, then you've openly and happily subscribed to a life of pain and hell because you're just around somebody who's never gonna understand you. So until you understand and embrace why you do what you do, it's gonna be tough for you. It's gonna be really tough. Rich, I was doing like a quick Google search on a story that I remembered from uh literally my favorite audiobook for self-development ever. It started my journey and like gaining clarity on why I do what I do. The name of the book is called Flow. It's by Dr. Chick Semi High. It's a very easy read. But there's a story in there about the fisherman and the businessman. And it's a pretty simple parable. I'm pretty sure you can Google it if you want to find it. But it really triples down on what we're saying here. You got the fisherman who lives in a small village, and then you got the businessman who took a vacation to that small village, and he flies in on his helicopter, he lands on the roof of an Airbnb, and he's obviously disrupting this guy who is a small town guy. He's in his 70s, he fishes all day. And the businessman walks up to him, he gets to know him, and he finds out that this dude fishes for an hour and just leaves and he doesn't have a job. And the businessman misunderstands it and he's like, Why don't you have a job? Like, you deserve a job. I can write you a business plan for what you're doing here. You should stay here for more than one hour, you should stay here for 10 hours, catch more fish, sell your fish, and he and the businessman is like looks at him, he's like, Why would I do that? Like, I'm good. I I got enough fish to eat. And he's like, No, because now you'll have more money. And he's like, Yeah, but how long would that take me to like get a business going where I could like get a lot of money from fishing? And the guy's like, Well, it'll take you about 10 to 15 years, but you're gonna be really rich. You're gonna have a lot of money. And the guy just looks at him and goes, Wait, you mean to tell me that you spend your whole life doing your job so you can pay attention to your family and enjoy your free time and enjoy your life 20 years from now when you could actually just be doing that now if you just found a simple enough life where you could catch enough fish to have the rest of your day free to do what you want to do. It's a classic old tale, but it makes a lot of sense. That fisherman was just living his best life. He's been doing the same thing for the past 60, 70 years. And someone came in and placed judgment on him, misunderstood him, wanted to change his life based on what? Based on what he wanted out of his life. Fisherman stood 10 toes down as an old man. He's like, fuck out of here. I'm good. I'm gonna do my hour fishing, I'm gonna feed my family with this fish, and for the other 18 hours, I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I want to do. And that old man understood his why and he enjoyed his life. And I think there's a version of that that we're sharing here. It's very rare on Failures Podcast that me and Rich are gonna sit around telling a young man to just sit by a pier and fish all day. That's not the moral of the story. The moral of the story is you don't gotta justify why you do what you do, and you definitely don't need validation. And most importantly, at least for this episode, you don't always have to be understood. I think that's the moral.

SPEAKER_00: 48:12

Yeah. I love that story. And I'm gonna bring this point back again just because I feel like it needs to be reiterated. Don't make the no one gets me your personality. Oh, yeah. Don't become a mystery man, right? Like, oh, I'm just gonna be mysterious and no one's gonna understand me. And then cry wolf that no one generally understands you, right? Like, oh, I'm misunderstood. My boy, you chose to become a mystery man. You chose to keep everything to yourself, you chose to isolate yourself, you chose to not share things with anyone that you love or any of the people around you, and then you want to cry wolf that you're misunderstood by the people who love you and the world. That is such a toxic way of viewing the world, and it all starts from the label that you put on yourself, which is no one gets me label. Drives me nuts.

SPEAKER_01: 49:09

Rich, no, no, no, you hit a nerve because in the gym there is this young man who wears a shirt almost every day. He got different colors of the same shirt, and it says, Don't talk to me. My man, my man, yeah, this is exactly what you're saying, Rich. That guy will say that he has no friends. What you're projecting into the world is saying more about you. That guy's willing to go out and saying he has no friends. Yes, why the fuck would you wear a shirt? Just don't talk to nobody. What do you why do you gotta wear a shirt that says don't talk to me? You obviously want to have a fucking conversation. That's why you're wearing a shirt that says don't talk to me. This is the equivalent of the girl driving the bright yellow Lambo with a tube top and her body showing in all angles, being like, what is it with everyone looking at me? It's like, well, you're driving a yellow Lambo and your body is out. Did you not want to be seen? It almost feels like you constructed your life and left your house in a way that wanted to be seen. You've done a good job at confusing me if you didn't want to be seen. Same two people the guy that wears the shirt that says don't talk to me, and the girl in the yellow Lambo that doesn't want to be spoken to. It's confusing, Rich, but it's really not that confusing. I think that's what you're saying. Don't create a hell out of your life and then be like, damn, I'm living a hell, everything's backwards. Like, bro, you asked for it. You literally fucking ask for it.

SPEAKER_00: 50:40

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01: 50:41

By the way, there's no rewards, they're not giving out any rewards for suffering the most.

SPEAKER_00: 50:46

No.

SPEAKER_01: 50:47

There is no reward when you get to heaven of being like, yo, you suffered the most and you were the most prideful about it, and you deserve to go straight to heaven because of that. That's not how this shit works. No one cares that you're suffering. You're the only person suffering in silence. It's probably best that if you're going to commercialize the fact that you're miserable and suffering, that you also go and seek for companionship or a tribe of people or someone that can help you get through this or get out of this phase in your life, unless you see suffering as some sort of badge of honor. Now, if that's the case, then you're right where you want to be. You want to be miserable. I'm happy for you. Good shit, you did it.

SPEAKER_00: 51:30

I think it's it's okay to want to be understood. Wanting to be understood can be healthy, right? Because it creates support for whatever you're working on and it propels you forward. If you don't feel that support, then naturally you're going to feel a little withdrawal or become sort of a non-action person. That's not what we want you to become. But wanting to be understood for the sake of having moral support around you, I think is super important. Now, with that said, if you want to be supported, then learn how to communicate what you want to be supported for properly, right? Oftentimes you're going to communicate goals, dreams, ambition, determination, all these things, you're going to communicate that with the people you love. They might not understand. That's okay. But ask questions. Hey, what about what I just told you confused you? What did you not understand? How could I better reframe this? Or really find the words to communicate what it is that you want to be understood about. A lot of times, these young guys are just sharing two sentences, and the parents get confused and they're like, Well, I don't really know what you're saying. Oh my God, you know, you don't get me. Walk away, storm away, go to your room, shut the door, and that's the end of it. And then you want to go to the world and complain that you're no one gets you, your parents don't get you, you're misunderstood. It's not what you know what I mean. Like you have to be able to communicate properly.

SPEAKER_01: 53:05

Yes, and walk your path. It's your path. Just walk it. There's nothing wrong with that. I was just looking through the uh steel man argument portion of our research, and I wanted to ask you a question, Rich, as I usually do every episode. What feedback we got from our community is my friends don't use this type of terminology when they are being misunderstood. They just rebel. And every time I talk to my parents, my parents don't take a moment to understand me. They turn it into giving me advice and they try to change me. What's your response to that?

SPEAKER_00: 53:42

Your parents are doing their fucking job. That is their job. Their job is to protect you from danger, protect you if they feel like you're going down a dangerous road, instill their opinions about what it is that you're working on. You're you're complaining about your parents parenting. That's what parents do, right? If my 13-year-old son came to me doing the same thing, I'm like, dude, I'm doing my job. Like, shut up. I'm doing my job. If you want to follow the advice I'm giving you, go ahead and follow it. If you don't, you don't. But guess what? Life has a very unique way of teaching life lessons. And if you don't listen to your parents and they're providing you with wise advice, and you're gonna take the path of realizing your decisions on your own, life will have a way to teach you the lesson that you need to be learning.

SPEAKER_01: 54:31

Yeah, and I mean, listen, when life gets complicated, it's okay to not always see eye to eye with everybody around you. And you know, that's just advice that I would give myself. And I would give to your son who is in some unique world, he's my nephew. I agree, your parent is just being a parent, but who the fuck said that everybody gotta understand you? There's no human on the planet that is like you. We are so unique as individuals. Literally, even twins are different. I've never met two twins that are the same type of person. They may look the same, but their personalities are not the same. So enjoy what makes you unique. Embrace what makes you different. And when you're young, you're in the early stages of that little rose budding. And we can't see the flower yet, but we can definitely see that this plant doesn't look like the other ones, and that's okay. So my advice to a young man, including your son, is hey, your pops is definitely doing his job, but more importantly than that, I think we are experiencing growing pains. They're not called growing comforts, they're not calling growing excitement, it's called growing pains. You're growing into yourself. This is who you are. We all have our own fingerprint. No two humans are alike. Enjoy this phase of becoming who you are. And if people have feedback and criticisms, that's fine. It comes with being a little different, and there's nothing wrong with that. I embrace the fact that I'm different from most of the people in my family. And that difference is what made me unique in the field that I work in. I look around and it's very hard to find somebody that came from the Northeast, from a Puerto Rican family, from a New York Puerto Rican family that is as opinionated, loud, and put together as the people in my family are. But the minute I entered the workforce, I was a one-of-one. I didn't, I literally have never met anybody like myself in the field that I work in. But if I took a flight back to Hudson County, New Jersey, I could throw a fucking rock and hit someone that's just like me. That's because where you're from, there's more people like you. When you go out into the world, you get to experience how unique you are. Embrace your uniqueness. It's so important. And it will help you embrace being misunderstood as a byproduct.

SPEAKER_00: 56:53

Yeah, I love that. And you don't need the whole world to understand you, bro. Like that's simply put, the people who love you do need to understand where you're coming from, but they don't necessarily have to understand every aspect of about you, right? I think silence doesn't make you strong. Clarity does. Ultimately, be clear about what it is that you're in pursuit of, but you don't need that external validation from the world to feel like I need the world to get me so that I could be on my journey to greatness. Like it's such a uh dehabilitating mindset to have.

SPEAKER_01: 57:31

Rich, what what would be your response to a young man that says, Yeah, I hear all you're saying, but I would just rather stay silent because being silent and being secluded and being isolated and and really not explaining myself, it just keeps the peace, and I don't have to explain myself to anybody.

SPEAKER_00: 57:48

Yeah, I mean, listen, that's that's who I was for a very long time, bro. And I think that mentality leads to isolation. Isolation leads to loneliness, loneliness leads to depression. So you start to go down this linear declining path of feeling bad about yourself, all because you chose isolation. Remember, sharing things is not always for the sake of feeling validation. Sometimes you just want to get things off your chest, and you need somebody to listen. You need an ear to hear you out. And it feels good to get things off your chest, so you're not bottling everything in, all your emotions and all your thoughts in all the time. But you you gotta get that shit out, bro. You gotta get that out.

SPEAKER_01: 58:36

French, one last thing I read, and I wanted to shoot it your way to see what your visceral response would be was um, my effort should speak for itself. If they'd love me, then they'd understand me.

SPEAKER_00: 58:50

Your efforts should speak for themselves. You're you're convoluting two different topics. I think your effort doesn't equal the love that your parents have for you. It's two different concepts. You're not loved on the merit of how much effort you put into something. Your effort is for you, is for yourself and how you progress in this world. Your love is them loving you unequivocally. The two things don't intersect.

SPEAKER_01: 59:21

Yeah, but he's saying if they love me, they would know. Like they would just know to leave me alone. They wouldn't know to just let me roll. Like I'm doing my own thing. I'm figuring this out for myself. I don't want to have to explain myself.

SPEAKER_00: 59:32

They're doing their job, bro, as parents. That that's our job is to parent and unpack why our children are feeling any type of way and understand where they're coming from. And sometimes we don't. Sometimes my son gets this little mop looking fringe haircut, and he looks absolutely ridiculous. And I don't understand him, but I let him get it anyway, right? Like, just because I don't understand. It's not going to make me tell him, yo, you have to get a fade. Like, what are you doing? You look ridiculous. That's the type of haircut he wants. So I have to understand that.

SPEAKER_01: 1:00:08

Listen, when I hear if my family love me, then they just understand me and they stop asking me questions. I think what Rich just said was perfect. But I want to present an opposite scenario. And we've done episodes on this. For the young man who feels like his family is too involved, they give a fuck enough to misunderstand him. They go beyond understanding. They misunderstand him. That means you have people in your life that are invested, so invested that they're willing to overunderstand the situation that you're in. We have other episodes that we've done with young men and young teenagers who have families that don't even care that they exist, that are not invested in their kids' lives. We have single parents that work two jobs and they don't even have enough time to come home and check in on their kids. So be careful for the parenting and the mentorship that you desire. If you want to be left alone, there is this Disney-esque movie that could exist for you where you come home to a house that has no one in it and no one cares about you and no one's invested in your future. So maybe sometimes being misunderstood is just a matter of you explaining and having a proper sit-down with the people in your life. I'd rather be misunderstood by somebody who cares than be left alone by people who don't give a fuck about me. So be careful what you wish for when you use the word misunderstood. And I think Rich, what you're saying is coming from a genuine place because you're actually a father who is overinvested. And if you weren't invested, I think that would be more alarming to me as your friend.

SPEAKER_00: 1:01:49

Yeah. And listen, in closing, I think if you do feel misunderstood, sometimes it's because you haven't learned how to translate yourself yet properly to the people you love. And ultimately you'll learn that along the way once you figure out your self-identity and who you are, and learning that will help you translate yourself to the people you love ultimately.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02:13

I think that's a great point because I'm thinking about like a young guy who's drinking a matcha tea and got his fingernails painted and he got like uh pearls as a necklace. I'm thinking about that guy, and he is upset that his parents don't understand him. He's upset that he's misunderstood by the world. And I feel like maybe he doesn't even understand himself yet, and he's still trying to figure it out. So while you're trying to figure it out, you won't admit that, but you're using I'm misunderstood as a defense mechanism. It's like, are you sure you know what the fuck is going on in your own brain? Because it looks like to me, on your exterior, you are a fucking iPod shuffle, just doing a whole bunch of random shit, trying to figure out what sticks. And you know what? That's a part of being young, and I respect it. But if you're gonna put your whole wardrobe on shuffle and get mad that the world doesn't understand what you're doing, then I don't know what to tell you, bro. You obviously haven't figured it out. And I don't see how you think people are gonna figure it out for you. So yeah, maybe the misunderstanding comes from the misunderstanding you have with yourself and you're projecting that onto other people. Harsh feedback for the end of the episode. But I do feel like that could also be a scenario.

SPEAKER_00: 1:03:31

No, yeah, I love it. And we should end with that, man. If you're somebody who's constantly shape-shifting your personality and your journey in life, and then going out to the world and saying the world doesn't understand me, it's like, bro, pause and take the time to really understand who it is that you are, your self-identity, what are the idiosyncrasies about you that make you you? And once you do that, I think naturally, by proxy of you having clarity with yourself, the world will have the right clarity to receive you as well. For sure. All right, there you have it. Listen, man, subscribe to the YouTube at Failures Media. Bro, send us an email if you guys have topic ideas, if you wanna hop on on here and talk to Rich and Just, let us know. Send us an email or hit us up in the comments. Peace.