SPEAKER_00 0:02

We are all going through some level or form of addiction with something, right? Every man is going through it. The realization is in the self-acknowledgement that you have a problem. This had habit has transitioned into something a little bit more serious that you need to get a hold of. And you're having this self-realization to understand that there are things about yourself that you want to improve and you want to improve the way you're showing up for yourself and for others. That's what this whole episode is about, man.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Failures podcast. Today we're talking about harmless habits that turn into the A-word. What's the A-word? Addiction. But we're not going to focus on addiction today. That's a little cliche, very obvious subject. What Rich and I want to talk about is addiction creep. How small, harmless habits turn into dependencies that eventually turn into an addiction loop. I think what me and Rich want to talk about today is how small habits turn into addictions. But for the sake of being empathetic and graceful to our listeners, and truly being honest about what we suffer with as well, Rich is 38. I'm 40 years old. I would be lying if I were to say that I too didn't suffer from a lot of small habits that turned into addictions. I'm going through it right now. I deal with a lot of gambling problems. I am someone that enjoys a good browse on the OF. And if you don't know what OF is, stay tuned. We'll educate you. Rich, real quick question that came from our community, which I think is a great starting point. Why would I stop doing something that makes me genuinely happy, even if it can lead to an addiction? And how do I know if a small habit is turning into an addiction? I have no idea. I can't really tell.

SPEAKER_00 2:01

Yeah, just when you start to think about having an addiction and you get defensive when someone mentions that thing you're addicted to, right? When you start to defend why you do it. Yeah, or you feel like you can't feel normal if you don't have this in your life, right? And bro, this could be uh various things. It could be weed, it could be alcohol, it could be gambling apps, it could be porn, doom scrolling, women, social media flexing, like it could be even something as simple as going to the gym. And you would think, well, why is being addicted going to the gym bad? Well, it's not necessarily bad, but if you peel back the layers of why you're addicted to going to the gym, maybe you have self-esteem issues. Maybe you don't like what you see in the mirror, right? You don't want to feel small, so you go to the gym to get swole to be big and boost your confidence. So I think every addiction has an underlying reason as to why you're addicted to something, and that's what we're here to unpack today.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Rich, I don't know if you want to just rip the band-aid off out the gate, but what I did for myself in preparation for this episode is that I swore to myself that I was going to do everything to make sure that our listener knew that they were not alone on this subject. Because we're not just talking about the A-word, addiction. We're talking about that gradual progression that goes from, man, what's the big problem? I work hard, I deserve this. Man, what's the big problem? It's only one drink. Relax. Man, what's the problem? It's only Wednesday. It's gotta be 8 p.m. somewhere. It starts off fun and cute and adorable, and it's very harmless. A lot of addictions start off very harmless. But I wanted to task myself by starting the episode off by going through a list that I wrote down myself so our listener knew okay, this motherfucker is dealing with some demons. Actually, my goal would be in this episode is to have anyone who hit play on this episode would be like, I don't got the problem. Justin has the problem. And I created because I know this is a really big issue in our community. And a lot of the creators in this space, they're coming down on high. They're almost speaking to the problem as if these guys don't have these issues. It makes me upset because this is something that's so nuanced. And if we really unpack every man from the age of 15 all the way to 58, I can assure you I've been around enough grown men who are seen as perfect or people that have their life together. They all have these quote unquote problems. And they're not real problems if you could manage them. That's kind of the point I want to make off top. So again, I'm gonna be vulnerable or out the gate. Here's a few things that I wrote down in my list that I definitely have problems with. Sports gambling. Rich, I love placing a bet on anything that is not one of my favorite teams. If it's not the Knicks, if it's not the Jets, if it's not a Puerto Rican boxer fighting, I'm trying to gamble on it because I just can't watch sports anymore without putting a little extra money on it to make the day interesting. I know the numbers well enough to know that every time I place a bet, I'm guaranteed to lose my money. Why won't I stop gambling? I don't know. It's just fun. I do it all the time and I haven't slowed down anytime soon. Food. When I was younger, I loved me a good meal to deal with my depression. When I was broke, I would think about eating because it would make me feel less broke. When I was living in a fucking apartment with four other grown men, I would get a lot of food that I love because it would make me feel like, you know what? I'm not living in an ideal situation, but I'm gonna order a churrasco, I'm gonna order a steak sandwich, I'm gonna order fried pork chunks because for this 10-minute to 15-minute window when I'm snacking on this food, it's making me feel happy and it makes me forget about everything that I'm not happy about in my life. Caffeine, Rich, validation, adrenaline that comes from competition, competition. I can go on, bro. I can go on. My list is about as long as a CVS receipt. I'm addicted to a lot of things. And I just wanted to start there, Rich, because I wanted to unpack how does someone go from starting off with something that's really small that makes you happy, and eventually it becomes a dependency that you can't live without. And I think that's the nuance we want to tackle in today's episode.

SPEAKER_00 6:35

Yeah, I think there's a lot of things that all men are addicted to, and there's a lot of vices that all men have. Vices, great word, vices, yep. Yeah, I think the important distinction here is that you have to be honest with yourself and you have to have that self-realization that my bad habit is turning into an addiction, right? Like there's a point of uh transitional crossover that happens from small, tiny habit, innocent habit that's not hurting anyone to oh shit, I'm addicted to this thing, right? And quick story, you know, when I was about 15 years old, I picked up a cigarette for the first time. I did not let that cigarette go until I was in my 30s. And the way I was able to quit was a shocking way. My son was about five or six at the time, and I remember putting him to sleep one day and him not wanting to go to sleep. But I really wanted to put him to sleep because I wanted to go downstairs and have a cigarette. So I got frustrated that he wouldn't go to sleep so I can get my hit of nicotine. You needed it, you needed it. I needed it, and I lashed out at him, and just to see the fear in his eyes, looking at his dad, being so visibly angry because he wouldn't go to sleep, bro. That moment tore me apart. And I just remember seeing his like little innocent face, and I'm like, man, you have nothing to do with this. Like, this is my problem. Like, I'm lashing out at you because I want to hit up nicotine. And man, that moment changed everything for me, bro. Like, I quit that very day, cold turkey, never touched this since. Wow. And unfortunately, it takes one of those moments to kind of like shock you into realizing that hey, you have an addiction, and this addiction is controlling you in ways that you did not anticipate. And that's part of what happens when you don't have the self-realization that you are addicted to something.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

Rich, what is the significance to a young man that's listening and they feel seen right now with the story you just shared? What's the significance of naming it, of admitting it, even if it's to yourself? What is the power behind that? What was the power that it gave you? And how should a young listener see that moment of truth and own it?

SPEAKER_00 8:50

Control, bro. Once you know that you are addicted to something, for that split second mentally, you start to gain a little bit of control over your autonomy and over yourself and over the actions and decisions that you're making. Maybe you don't have the full willpower to quit in that very moment, but just that simple moment of acknowledgement and self-reflection that, oh shit, I cannot stop doing this thing. I am addicted, I have a problem that is ground zero for ultimately cultivating some sort of solution to escape that loop and that addiction.

SPEAKER_01 9:30

Rich, in my experience, when it comes to small habits that eventually turn into concerning addictions, I've seen this thing that is called the desire loop. And the desire loop is wants, needs, and have to haves. That's the desire loop. You kind of get caught in that loop when something that's really small that is something you do occasionally for fun. It's almost like eating a bag of potato chips when you want to indulge at night and have a nice little crunch, something sweet, something crunchy, something salty. Yeah, you're watching a movie, you want to have popcorn, you want to indulge. It's like having a beer during a celebration. Someone in your family graduated, or somebody's quincinera, or you're at a wedding, you want to cheers and have a drink, you want to feel that little buzz. That's fine. That's fine. But when it turns into an addiction loop is when those wants and desires become something that is constantly humming in the back of your mind, telling you, like, hey man, you know what'll really be fun right now instead of sitting here listening to your daughter talk about her first day at school? Or you know what'd be more fun than taking this 20-minute car ride to your friend's house and you don't really want to be in traffic? A nice little beer, a nice little hit of the pen, something that will take my mind out of this reality and numb what I'm going through. That's an addiction loop because it's it's it's a loop that you stay in that is trapped with wants, desires, and things that are trying to help you escape from the reality you're in right now. That loop is vicious. And like you said, Rich, it starts off small and not with a lot of momentum and velocity. But as time goes on, the loop gets tighter and the velocity gets more intense. And now it just becomes something you do every day. And I think that is the nuance that we're talking about in this episode today. How do you push back on that? How do you counteract that? How do you unwind that loop, that trap that you're in, that cycle? It's not easy. It's definitely not easy. I still suffer with it. But I think what you said to kick off the episode is rule number one. And it's not only rule number one on Failures Podcast between me and Rich, we're not gurus, we're not gods. We're not going to teach anybody how to live their lives. But what we can do is give you a little bit of feedback from our own reality. And our realities have been harsh. But Rich, honesty being step number one in your journey to escape that loop is so crucial, man. And I'm glad you brought it up because if you can't name the problem and you can't be honest about the problem, then you can't fix the problem.

SPEAKER_00 12:18

Yeah. And think about how many times you try to justify these habits that you're compulsively doing, right? Like, oh, it's just, it's just a beer, right? It's not that big of a deal. Oh, I had a long day's work, like, so I'm just gonna smoke a little weed. Like, you start to tell yourself that it's okay to do these things that ultimately turn into an addiction because you earned it. You had a hard day of work, right? You were stressed out all week, and this is your time to unwind. And we're not saying necessarily that finding ways to unwind is bad. Like, I very much encourage you to find healthy, proactive ways to unwind uh a stressful week, right? For sure. But when that weed smoking is consistent and you're doing it every Friday at 6 p.m. when you get home and you've been doing that for 10 years, like you're probably addicted. And it's funny because if you ask a person who's addicted to something if they're addicted to something, 95% of the time they're gonna tell you no.

SPEAKER_01 13:23

Yeah, 100%. And I I think I think that's why the word addiction, it it almost feels like a taboo, almost a word that you never actually say. Because once you say it, you it's almost like you can't take it back.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

Yeah. And just think about like the nuance of the things that you're sort of missing out on when you are addicted to something. Like, for example, if we talk about a porn addiction, one would think that you're not doing anything wrong. You're not hurting anybody, right? Like you're not committing a crime, like it seems innocent by nature, but when you peel back the layers of a man that's going through a porn addiction, he's becoming a desensitized male, a desensitized human, where that emotional connection between a man and woman is starting to deteriorate. And he just doesn't have that emotional radar in him anymore because he can log on an app, pick out any beautiful women from any place on planet earth, pick any style of pornography that he wants, and indulge himself in something that um he can immerse himself in. But you have to have the realization that addiction comes with consequences that are unforeseen when you're going through them.

SPEAKER_01 14:39

Rich, how does a small, harmless, I'm not bothering anyone habit turn into an addiction? It starts with the justification. Man, I work hard. I deserve to treat myself. Man, at least I'm not worse than insert other person who was doing worse than you at that one thing. Man, I could be spending all my money on other things. It's not that bad. At least I'm only doing this. Man, I deserve this treat. I work hard, I deal with a lot. If you've ever said any of those phrases to yourself while you're doing insert small, harmless habit that is turning into addiction six days in a row, seven days in a row, three months. If there's a chain that you can't break and you're dependent on it, that is the moment for you to realize, man, even though I'm not hurting anybody, this thing has slowly become a heavy chain that I can't walk around without. It's become a vest that has made my life more difficult. And as long as you realize that, that's the only thing that matters because you know what they say about the truth, Rich. Once you hear the truth and once you see the truth, you can't unhear it and you can't unsee it. The truth is a mirror that you look at. And you can deny yourself if you want, but if you have something in your teeth and you look in the mirror and you realize you've had something in your teeth the whole day, you have to deal with the reality that for the last six hours at work, you did a meeting, you flirted with your coworker, you were talking to your boss about a promotion with spinach in your teeth. That is the reality you're living in. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. So just take a moment to really think about that. All those little excuses that you give yourself, all them little forgivenesses that you give yourself, it doesn't matter to anyone other than yourself. So that truth, once you hear it and you see it and you feel it, it's almost impossible to act like it's not there anymore. It's kind of like a crack in a windshield. Once that small crack is there, it's almost impossible to look forward and ignore it. And you know what they say about small cracks and windshield? It's only a matter of time before the crack gets bigger. So either you get a new windshield or you fucking just deal with the crack in it. But you cannot avoid the truth. And that is what this episode is about, man. It's that little slow, harmless transition from a small habit into an addiction.

SPEAKER_00 17:00

Yeah, man. Listen, and you're stuck in this loop of excuses, right? Like, how many times does your old programming tell you that the bad habits you have are normal? Oh, this is the way we grew up. Oh, this is what I saw everyone doing when I grew up. Great point. Yeah. Oh, I saw everyone smoking cigarettes growing up, so I smoke cigarettes, right? Like you start to justify, like, oh, this is the way I am because this is how I grew up. So you take that old programming with you into like your adulthood, and that also contributes to keeping you in this like excuse loop that you can't get out of.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

Yeah, Rich. I mean, you mentioned porn addiction earlier, and I think that's a very intense combination of words. And I'm willing to bet most of our listeners are gonna deny that. Like uh the rule of thumb when it comes to dating a woman, if she tells you how many men you've been with, they always say multiply that by five. I think the same goes for men and how often they are by themselves and how often they watch porn and how often they enjoy themselves. This is something that any quick browse on Google or any LLM, you'll be able to see that this is a crisis, not in a negative way. People are just enjoying themselves the way they enjoy themselves when they eat food. You're in the privacy of your own home and you have ways to get your needs taken care of and you will take care of them. How do I know that? Because I too am a product of that. So we're not speaking on these issues down on high. We're saying, no, no, no, we understand, we get it. Rich is in his late 30s, I'm in my 40s. I know sometimes when you can't cook for yourself, you have to order out. Ordering out is easy because you don't have to do anything other than push a button and it magically shows up at your doorstep. And most of the time, it's what you want. It's delicious, it's exactly what you picked. There's no difference between DoorDash, Uber Eats, and Pornhub. It's all the same thing, it's friction-free desires being met. And you are not alone. I am someone that had this issue specifically, Rich, during the pandemic. It was struggling times during the pandemic, bro. I know everyone was dealing with it. I lived in a condo by myself because I decided to break up with my girlfriend two months before that, and it was the worst business move I ever made. Long term, it worked out for me. Short term, man, you couldn't do anything. You couldn't speak to other people, you couldn't even interact with other people. So, what options did I have? You know what options I knew I had was ordering food online, and they would drop off the food outside and browsing the internet for whatever it is that I desired. Again, there's nothing wrong with that. The numbers show that nine out of every 10 men do it anyway. So I would be fucking lying if I told you I was the one that did it. The problem is, is when you make it a daily chore, a daily moment of happiness, you're ignoring other people and you're thinking about damn, I can't wait to tonight until I get to do this thing. I was someone that discovered small communities on Discord and Reddit that were known for unlocking girls only fans accounts and dropping zip files on there, and you could see everything. Man, this was one of the most funnest things that I was doing on the break because there was nothing else to do. And I would just occasionally leave the alerts on on my phone and be excited every time I got an alert for a new zip file that was unlocked, a new creator that was uh sharing new new images of themselves. Rich, it became less about the thing and it became more about the daily habit, the daily task of just looking at my phone and being like, oh shit, I can't. It was like Pokemon drops. I was like, oh shit, this girl, her zip file leaked. It was insane, bro. And I didn't really realize that I had an issue until I got hit with the fucking sobering reality of, and I know every man has been there before. On my MacBook Pro, on my web browser, I left a web page open that was TVMA, not for youth audiences. It was a nice scene that I had queued up and I left on my computer. I just forgot to close my browser, close my laptop. Occasionally, when the pandemic started opening up a little bit more and people were allowed to hang out, my mother and my family would come over and we would do movie nights in my apartment. I don't want to say the whole story, Rich, because it makes me very embarrassed to share it, but you can only imagine what happened when my mother was trying to watch Toy Story 3 with uh her and her nieces and nephews and her grandkids. I opened up my browser, man, and my mom was like, What the fuck? I'm like, oh shit, my bad. Uh, is that these websites, man? When you download a movie, it shows you crazy links and bads, bro. Bads. Bro, I was so fucking embarrassed. And at that moment, bro, I gotta get my fucking life together, man. What am I doing? I am in too deep into this world. I have to sober. Up. I have to start communicating with real women in real life, beautiful women in real life, even though it was the pandemic and we couldn't be around other people. I made it my priority to jump on the phone with somebody, FaceTime a beautiful young lady, even if it was a friend or a coworker. I had to get out of my own head and stop living online because that little harmless, I'm not bothering nobody. What's the problem? Habit turned into some weird shit two months in, Rich. And I had to catch myself. And part of me being embarrassed was my mom being like, What the fuck is that? Like, you got family here. What are you doing? Bro, that shit was super embarrassing. That bedwins that I had, and we talked about seeing Bed Wenza, that shit sobered me up. And I needed to have that embarrassing moment in order to take the first step of admitting, like, yo, this shit ain't me, bro. This is not what I want to be known for. This is not who I am. And I obviously took whatever steps to fix it.

SPEAKER_00 22:50

Yeah. Just think about how desensitized you are when you go on an app and every video you watch, the woman is a 10. True. And then you step out of your apartment.

SPEAKER_01 23:01

And I don't know if you've been outside, Rich. I don't know if you've been a Target, Walmart. I don't know if you've been a church. Listen, tens are not just walking around everywhere. It's usually sevens and below. So it's a fake reality. I love that point you're making. I'm sorry to cut you off. It's not real. It's not real. There's not that many beautiful women on the planet. And don't get me started on AI women. Sometimes I'm looking at a page like, is this a real human?

SPEAKER_00 23:23

Yeah. And that's my point. Like, it can make real women feel less exciting because you walk out of your apartment after watching three pornography videos where all the women are at 10.

SPEAKER_01 23:36

And you're scrolling for two hours and everybody's a 10. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

It's true. Yeah. And then you go to Target and women in real life appear and feel less exciting.

SPEAKER_01 23:46

Or you go on a dating app or you go on a date and you're like, man, none of these girls are hot.

SPEAKER_00 23:51

Yeah. And listen, that's part of the problem. So it's interesting how in your mind you think you're doing something innocent and you're not bothering nobody, and you don't really realize the consequences of the things that you are addicted to. These are the consequences of being addicted to pornography, is that you become desensitized to women in general. And then when it's time for you to enter the dating world, you're looking for the tens, you're looking for every girl to look like the porn stars that you masturbate to every night. And like you said, Jess, you're living in a fallacy that is not the real world. It's not how things work. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 24:32

For sure. And again, you're not alone. You want to know how Rich and I know you are not alone if you're listening to this and you feel a little embarrassed or a little seen. Because 90% of the men that have this information on do it multiple times weekly. And you know, the 10% that say they don't do it, them motherfuckers lied. These guys got God-level VPNs. Don't believe the cat. Every man is invested. You are not alone. It is an itch that you have to scratch, but be careful when it transforms from something that is a nice to have and it turns into a need to have. That is the biggest difference between a small, harmless hobby or a habit that is quickly turning into an addiction. When it's a need to have and you're talking to someone, and all you can do is think about the thing that you want to do, except for enjoying that moment, that's how you know it's turning into a problem. How do I know I've been there before? Earlier today, my girl was like, yo, the Mexican soccer team is playing. They're in the tournament, they're down to 32 teams. My lady's Mexican, I'm Puerto Rican. I was thinking to myself, damn, I wonder how much I could bet on this game so I could enjoy it when I'm watching it with her. That's a problem, bro. I can't even fucking enjoy a country win a soccer game without thinking, how can I get in on a bet? FanDuel got me, man. FanDuel got me. You know what I mean? Like, they got me addicted, but I just want our listeners to know that you're not alone. It's noticing it, it's peeping that your mind is drifting into something else when you're not tapped into reality. That's how you know this is becoming a problem.

SPEAKER_00 26:09

Yeah. Aside from you acknowledging that it's becoming an issue, you also have to acknowledge the things that you're sacrificing because you're addicted to said things. So just zooming in on the pornography example, it doesn't only affect our single men, right? Like the men who are addicted to pornography but have girlfriends or have a wife also have a problem. Well, what's the problem? Is that you watch so much pornography that you become less intimate with your woman, and then she's complaining to you that you're not touching her thigh at night and that you're not pleasing her, and that you don't you're not aroused by her.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Yeah, you're satiated. It'll be the equivalent if she cooked for you every night. Not a Michelin star chef, but someone who's giving you effort, put a nice dish together for you, and you went inside of your car before you got into the house and you ate your favorite dish. And then you walked into the house and she showed you, hey, I cooked for you. I hope you like it. And you're like, ah, nah, I actually am kind of full. I had the best meal I could possibly have outside. But inside the house, I'm looking at this meal, like, oh, this is not even anything I want. You're satiated. And life is not designed that way. The human body is not designed that way. The human brain is not designed that way. Our minds and brains and our bodies are not designed to constantly be in a state of bliss, in a state of nirvana, in a state of a high-off sugar, a high off weed, a high-off pornography. Like all this dopamine is cheap dopamine, and you're getting it for the free, you're getting it for the low. But the tax that you're paying is the lack of involvement in other people's lives that do care about you. The tax that you're paying is that you're already desensitized. You're laying on the couch, high, fed, and already happy. And people are trying to show up for you. And they can't because they can't compete with a five-star dish that you ordered off DoorDash, pornography with women that look absolutely unrealistic, tens out of tens, and the amount of weed that you don't fucking consumed, bro. You're sedated. You're literally sitting there numb, like, damn, life can't get any better than this. You're not wrong. Life can't get no better than that. But it's the reality you got to resubscribe to once your high wears off and once you get hungry again. You can't do that forever. It's almost impossible.

SPEAKER_00 28:31

Yeah. The addictions sometimes are not so obvious. I know you and I can personally relate to being addicted to like money and achievement and winning and accomplishing our goals. And you don't think you're doing anything bad by being this type of person. However, because you are addicted to these things, you do reach a point of burnout. You do reach a point of like, well, I can't rest until I achieve said goals that you never stop achieving because you never stop making goals for yourself, right? Like it becomes this vicious cycle that you can't get out of. And the poison there is that you start to tie your self-worth to your accomplishments, right? If you don't accomplish said things, then you're not good enough. You're not worthy of the girlfriend you have or the success you have, etc. Right. So it's interesting how almost anything in life can be viewed as an addiction. And it's easy for your mind to think that you can't be addicted to things that seem on the surface as being positive, but you really can't.

SPEAKER_01 29:41

Rich, what you just said made me feel very seen because what you just said about being addicted to succeeding, accomplishments, money, validation. I'm not the tallest guy in the world. Part of my crusade in my life is to always feel bigger than everybody because I have more than everybody. I have more accomplishments, I have more money. Look at my girl, she's prettier than you. Look at my car, it's better than yours. I have a Napoleon complex when it comes to success, because I wasn't always someone that was seen as desirable growing up. I didn't come from a lot of money. I was somebody that people drove by every day and didn't care whether I succeeded or failed. When you come from those communities, you're someone that's constantly overlooked and you refuse to be overlooked. So what do you do? You overcompensate, and then you fall into a trap that is called the endless infinite treadmill of external validation. You are number one. You made the most money, you got the biggest bonus in the company, you won another trophy. God damn it, Justin, how many more trophies do you need until you feel like you're six foot two? You're never gonna be six foot two, my boy. These are the things that I have to remind myself, Rich. And if you don't think that is a sign of addiction, you're a fucking idiot. Validation is an addiction. Constantly wanting to succeed and accomplish more and more and more. That's an endless treadmill, Rich. You could run on that treadmill forever. The world is designed in a very unique way. Commerce businesses are designed in a very unique way. You ever been to the club? Getting into the club is step one of step 1000. There's a VIP room, then there's another room inside of the VIP room, then there's a private room inside of that room, then there's bottle service that gets you into the last room, and then there's a lap dance room, and then in that lap dance, bro, there's infinite rooms that you can want to get into. So if you want to live your life on a treadmill, just let the world validate you. You can do that from now until the day you die. There is no win in the game of external validation. You got to conquer that demon yourself. You have to do it. Because if not, you're never gonna be happy or satisfied. How do I know that, Rich? Because that guy is me. I'm looking at him right now on the screen. I feel exposed, man.

SPEAKER_00 32:19

I feel exposed. It's me too, just and you know, how many times do we constantly remind ourselves, you know, what's next? Who's ahead of me? Am I falling off, right? Like, how do I keep this momentum going, right? It's this constant mental loop of just validation that we're seeking from the world, that we're progressing, we're doing better than everyone else. And yeah, on the surface, it looks nice, bro. It's nice to be told that you're amazing, that you're doing great, that you're accomplishing all your goals, that you're successful, that you have a lot of money, that you're you appear wealthy, right? Like these things make an individual feel good. But the problem is when that's all you live for, you know what I'm saying? Like you almost ignore the people around you because if they're not part of that success journey, success mission, people around you get left behind, right? And that is a flawed individual. That is a person who is addicted. And I feel like you and I are both addicted to this, but I feel like we are self-aware that we are addicted. We understand that the journey of success comes with flaws that we're not necessarily proud of, but we're learning to live with and we're learning to improve.

SPEAKER_01 33:40

Improvement is different than the endless treadmill of external validation. This is the differentiation that I think me and Rich are trying to make for the young man listening. Because I had to make that distinction. Am I happy with what I've been able to accomplish? Of course. I'm from the fucking trenches. Anything that is above $100,000 per year is unheard of where we come from. Let alone if you make more milestones, you own properties, you own investments, you make crazy plays that bring in money, you have your own platform, you can invest into your own platform. Man, I'm blessed. I'm very fortunate. But for whatever reason, that is not enough. And I'm looking for external validation. If somebody doesn't compliment me on my success, I feel like I just sneezed and no one said, God bless you. I almost feel offended. Do you not recognize this greatness that's in front of you? I've done so much. Please acknowledge me. The sad part is the please acknowledge me. You, the first part is not an issue. Rich, I'm gonna give you a series of phrases that I have here, and you tell me why this young man who says these things is living in denial and he's addicted to validation. Tell me if you've heard this before. Man, I work hard. I pay all the bills, I'm respected by all my peers. I don't know anybody that's done what I've done in my life. Why can't I get the validation I deserve? I think I don't have a problem. I don't have anything to fix. The problem is you.

SPEAKER_00 35:10

Yeah, I mean, listen, that's part of the issue, right? You're not having that self-realization, that honesty that you have with yourself. Remember, we started this show saying you need to be honest with yourself about the issues and the flaws and the bad habits that you carry that ultimately transition into an addiction. And once you start to use excuses as to like, it's other people's problem, or I'm not hurting anybody, or this is not an addiction, you are living in denial. You're not being truthful about the thing that you can't stop doing, right? Think about anything in life just that you can't stop doing. That thing, whatever that thing is, has complete control over you. You have lost control over your own life to said thing cigarettes, alcohol, weed, pornography, doom scrolling. You have lost control. How do you regain that control? It starts with honesty with yourself. Yeah. And then you transition into working on improving. And I use the word improving just because I don't agree with, yo, if you're addicted to pornography, just stop watching pornography. What kind of bullshit, vague like advice is that? That shit doesn't work. You can't tell someone to stop doing something and be like, oh yeah, I'm gonna stop watching porn because like Rich and Justin from Failures Podcast said, I need to stop watching porn. Like, nah, it has to start with you. It has to start with you. Yeah, that's not good advice. You have to look from within, and you have to have the ability to draw the line in the sand and know when you've crossed that line that you've crossed over into an addiction. It has to start with you.

SPEAKER_01 36:59

Yeah, Rich, I mean, from porn addiction all the way to someone that doesn't have an end to what they see as the final level of success for themselves, both of those guys are fighting the same demon. Both of those guys are wrestling with the same devil. That devil is I'll be happy when. We said it before, there's nice to haves and then there's need to haves. Be careful when your need to haves outweigh your nice to haves because you could be sitting in your dream home with your dream wife, on your dream couches, with your dream kids, and you could easily be ignoring everything, including your family, including your house, including the $3,000 couches you bought. And you could be scrolling on your phone, Rich, envying somebody else's life because they went on a vacation that you couldn't go on, because they have the new car that you can't get, because they invested in a company that you can't invest in, because they have a girl that you want, knowing damn well you have a beautiful woman that is loyal to you right next to you. That is the disease of I'll be happy when. It is an infinite loop of sadness. You could be in that loop forever if you don't trust yourself to know, you know what? I gotta kill all these desires I have. I have to kill all these wants that I have. And let me focus on what's in front of me. That is a good step in the right direction. And I could say that because that has helped me out a lot. I've gotten better at really appreciating and enjoying what I've worked so hard for and I wanted three years ago, versus constantly looking outside for what I think I need.

SPEAKER_00 39:14

Yeah, bro. Listen, you have to get to the root, just behind every addiction, behind every habit that you have, there's always a root, right? Like it could be that you came from an upbringing that was filled with trauma, right? And you never learned how to deal with stress, and you are looking for relief, you're looking to numb yourself, you're looking for an escape, right? But you have to solve for that pain. When I made the decision to quit smoking, part of the mental exercise that I was doing, aside from being mortified that I had yelled at my child because I wanted to go have a cigarette, was why did I start smoking to begin with? When did I start smoking? What am I numbing with this substance? Why do we do this? Like, ask yourself why do I continue to habitually do this knowing that this thing is causing me harm? Cigarettes physically cause you harm to your lungs. This is science. This is not just Rich saying this shit. You know what I mean? So, why do you continue to do this? You need to ask yourself these hard questions. And I feel like once you're able to zoom in and understand where the root of the problem comes from, that's when you're able to start to make those pivots that you need to solve for those issues.

SPEAKER_01 40:41

Yeah, Rich. And I think at some point, I was kind of waiting till later in the episode to get into this because I do, I do like the idea that we are speaking to these issues, but we want the young guy listening to know that, man, I'm still struggling with this right now as we speak. So you're not alone. But I think as you get older, or you at least you have the luxury of hindsight and wisdom and perspective to say, man, what is it that's underneath the surface of this thing that I can't stop doing? I can't control myself. I always want to do it. And what I always find, Rich, is you don't want to address something. So you're running away from it. And it could be anything, it could be trauma from your past, it could be the fact that you've settled in life and you don't want to address your reality, the fact that you're not doing well financially, the fact that you're not doing well physically. There's a million things that you could be hiding from. I would put all that in a bucket and just call it pain. There's a pain that you don't want to address. There's a pain that you haven't really looked into to understand what is this issue that I feel every time I think of this one subject. Everybody's different. Everybody has their own pain that's unaddressed. Only you know, while I'm saying this out loud, what that pain is. And what the layer on top is, is what this episode is about. It's the cope. It's the the comfortable little blanket that you go to when you're feeling scared, when you're feeling anxious, when that pain, like a beach ball, comes up to the water surface. That is where a lot of these small, harmless, mind-numbing habits come in because now you don't have to deal with the thought. You go to the thing, you go to the pacifier, you go to the binky, you go to the bobo, you go to the thing that makes you feel comfortable. Now, whatever that thing is, is a mask for what's underneath it. And I think that is the 2.0 version of this conversation, Rich. You're never gonna get over the substance abuse or the porn addiction or the overeating or the constantly playing video games, whatever, whatever the thing is that you know is a problem for you. We're not here to judge you. Until you address the underlying pain, you're never really gonna get rid of the bigger problem because you'll just find another thing to invest your energy in to never have to address the pain.

SPEAKER_00 43:06

Just listen, I have to admit something. I am addicted to control. And for a long time, I would have never called it that. I would have called it just like being responsible. But I'm someone who's addicted to control. I don't like uncertainty. I don't like feeling like I don't have control over certain situations, control of my finances, control of my career, or anything that could negatively influence or impact my life to the point where I'm like, damn, I didn't see it coming. Damn, I wasn't prepared. Right? Like that shit fucks with me a lot. And because of that, I am addicted to control. I can I'm controlling with my girl, I'm controlling at work, I'm controlling with like my children. And I acknowledge that. And I'm like, I am. Working on me. This is a self-improvement platform. And every episode we do, I feel like we learn more about each other and more about ourselves more than anything else to help younger guys cope through some of these things. And I think it's ironic, right? Like you wouldn't view someone who is addicted to controlling as an issue, but when it impacts everyone else around you, it is an issue, right? And to your point, and my point earlier, what about that is bad? Like that comes from somewhere. It comes from coping with not having much and now having something and feeling like I don't want to lose it. So I just need to control everything around me to make sure that I protect the little bit that we have been able to have and cultivate, right? So to my point earlier, Jess, it's weird how there's a lot of things you could be addicted to, but you don't really realize that they're an addiction or that they're necessarily bad for you.

SPEAKER_01 44:59

Yeah, Rich, I have this problem. I'm just curious to know what you think of it. Do you feel like you identify with the struggle so much that it almost is like this weird validation you give yourself when you're like, yeah, I work hard because I came from nothing. And it's a part of your narrative. And you share that with your kids, you share that with your wife, you share that, and and deep down, you know, like but it's not that's not a flex. Like, there's no flex there. That's kind of how I feel about it. It's like what a weird thing to be proud of.

SPEAKER_00 45:29

Yeah. I agree with you. And I think even more than that, I feel like I know I struggle from trust issues, and that's a net negative to me because I can't solve it all, just you can't solve it all, right? Like you need to have a tribe around you of people that you trust to handle certain things. They might be better equipped to handle some things than you, right? So when you become sort of the pinnacle pillar of your life and you have trust issues and you don't trust anyone else with handling certain things, you do end up taking over and becoming that like controlling individual. And it's happened to me with like my girlfriend, right? Like we are 50-50 partnerships in a relationship. However, like there are moments where like I boss her around and I tell her, you know, what to do or what I expect. And she's like, damn, like you're really controlling, like you're really micromanaging me right now. And I don't realize when I'm doing it, but this is just sort of like how I've been wired. And I think it comes from a place of survival for sure. Like I've built this hard exterior to the point where like I can't allow anything to penetrate it because I only trust myself, I only trust my own judgment, I don't trust anyone else to do things, and I think that's part of me being a flawed individual.

SPEAKER_01 46:56

Rich, if there's anything that I know about addictive behavior and people that are insanely compulsive, is that success, hard work, and trophies and accomplishments are a really cheap cologne that masks the underlying issue that is insecurities, vulnerabilities, scars from your childhood. That I can personally say that I've lied to myself and tricked myself into believing that if I make enough money and I succeed enough, it can hide the fact that people won't notice how scared I am to lose everything that I have, how how fearful I am to go back to the childhood that I used to have, how vulnerable I feel when I don't have control. So success can be a cologne, a cheap cologne to mask a lot of the underlying pain and the underlying issues. And I think that's kind of what we're getting to here today is like a lot of men, based on our research, admit to having compulsive addictive behaviors that they do every day that they wish that they can reduce. But only 10% of men with behavioral compulsion and addictive behaviors, only 10% admit that they have a problem. This is pure research. This is real research done in 2025. So if 70% of men can admit they have a problem, but only 10% could say it, what is that gap? That gap is the cologne. You're trying to mask something because you hope the world can't see it. And I know enough about myself to know that I've definitely been wearing that cologne for a long time. That cheap ass cologne, hoping people go away from me and go, oh, he seems like he's put together. He got it all together. It's like, no, in actuality, I'm broken and I need help. And this is the way I cope with it. I cope by succeeding, I cope by controlling everybody else. But it's not, it's not a fun ride. If you've lived in my brain, or I assume your brain, Rich, it's not a fun ride to be in that brain all the time.

SPEAKER_00 48:58

No, it's not a fun ride. And I think part of the way that you solve for it is that you have to acknowledge that these things exist and this is who you are, but not settle on that as an excuse. You can't just say to yourself, this is just how I am. True. Yeah, yeah. You're just beating the shit out of people, being like, I'm just violent. I'm sorry. Yeah. This is how I am. It's just me. I was raised this way. Like, nah, bro.

SPEAKER_01 49:25

You're saying take the step to start working on the thing that you feel like you have to solve. It's not for the world to tell you you have to solve it. If you feel like you should solve it, listen, 70% of American men report at least one compulsion behavior they know that they have to reduce and get rid of in order to improve their lives. That's pure research. This is solid research. 70% of men. So if we're being honest with ourselves, Rich, knowing that you have the problem is the first step. We said it earlier. Saying you have a problem is the second step. Your point is what? The third step is take action, like start addressing it.

SPEAKER_00 50:03

Yeah, take action. But most importantly, like don't just settle for this is how I am, this is how I was raised, right? Because that's part of like the coping excuses. That's the crutch, yeah. Yeah, it's the crutch. And if you acknowledge that you have a compulsive behavior towards something, chances are, bro, you know you have an issue already. No one needs to tell you. You don't need to hear it from someone else. You've already self-acknowledged that you have an issue. I think the challenge for some of these young guys is when they have multiple bad habits, multiple compulsive behavior, multiple addictions, they don't know where to start. They're just like, oh man, I'm a flawed individual. I'm terrible. There's a lot of self-improvement that I need to do, right? And I think the best piece of advice that we can offer a young man is just really like take a step back, solve for one thing at a time, but really zoom in on the core issue of where these behaviors come from. Because chances are there's probably something about your upbringing or something deep-rooted in your childhood that is contributing to all these different behaviors, bad habits, and addictions that you carry today.

SPEAKER_01 51:15

Yeah. Rich, I have a few rebuttals that I got from the comment section of a few communities I was looking into for this specific subject, and I'm curious to know your response to them. These are people that are pushing back that believe they have an addiction, but they don't see the reason why they should stop. Listen, if I really wanted to, I could stop whenever I want. It can't be that bad if I'm functioning and I take care of my family and I don't miss work. It's not like I'm on drugs or I'm in major debt. It's just a little thing that I do. What is your response to those?

SPEAKER_00 51:50

That is the justification that you make to justify continuing to fuel your addiction, right? Because you think in your brain, if you minimize it to this minuscule habit, then it's okay to continue. But that is the warning sign number one, that is red flag number one, that you are carrying an addiction is when you're making excuses for why you continue to do it, knowing damn well, deep inside your inner voice is telling you, damn, bro, at some point we probably should stop doing this.

SPEAKER_01 52:28

Yeah, I come from a family of people that struggled with addiction, all forms of addiction. And the one thing I can tell you for sure is nobody can justify and rationalize living in their chaotic world better than an addict. Man, I done had people strung out on heroin smoke a cigarette in front of me, nod off, damn near fall asleep. Ash literally as an arc, holding the cigarette to the cigarette is burning their hand, and they'll nod off, wake back up and tell me, nah, I'm good. Like, no the fuck you're not good. I've had uncles that drink every day from the moment they wake up, they got a corona or a Budweiser in their hand, and they're pounding that shit all day, sneaking off into the pantry, taking little shots of Bacardi. And they will tell you dead in your face, with their breath smelling like Bacardi. No, I'm good, bro. I'm good. I could drive. No, I'm good, bro. I don't, I'm chilling, I don't really drink too much on Tuesdays. Nobody is better at justifying and rationalizing their life better than an addict. And the only reason why I'm saying that is because a lot of the steel man counterpoints are is hey man, if I'm not, if I'm not disrupting anybody else's life, if I'm not ruining your life, why is it a burden to you? I'm just living my life. It's like, man, you're not low. We can see you're struggling. So I just wanted to make it clear. Don't think because you can rationalize and justify that you don't have a problem. That's your brain doing a little magic trick for you to keep doing what you're doing because you're obviously enjoying yourself.

SPEAKER_00 54:16

Yeah, listen, and here's what I want every young man to understand. And I'm gonna reiterate this just the ability to have control over your life, have autonomy over your own decision making. That is what you're sacrificing when you're addicted to something, a substance, or bad behaviors just continuing to compound and ultimately snowballing into something that you completely lose control over, right? Like that's what we're saying ultimately happens when you continue to have this bad habit over and over. You continue to justify why you're doing it, you continue to tell yourself that you're not hurting anybody, right? Like you play uh Jedi Mind tricks with your brain and telling you that, hey, it's okay, like we're not hurting anybody, so we could just continue numbing this pain with said substance, right? Ultimately, it gets to a point where you cross over, it becomes an addiction, and now you're in too deep. Now you don't know how to stop, right? Like, how do you rewind an addiction when it becomes so severe that unfortunately, I mean, you live in Los Angeles, California. Like, when you drive by Skid Row, what do you think all those people there would say if they were asked, Are you an addict? Damn. You're gonna get some crazy responses, right? Some of them are in denial and tell you, nah, I'm just homeless. I just don't have anywhere to live, so I'm just hanging out here. Others will tell you that they're addicted, but don't want to get help. Like they're perfectly fine living that lifestyle, right?

SPEAKER_01 55:56

Like, yeah, it's crazy, bro. I did want to share this little Easter egg that I found in the show notes, and I thought it was important for a young man that is struggling and can't distinguish whether or not he does or does not have a problem. The first thing I'd say is there are no problems unless you admit there's a problem. Nobody wakes up and decides to become an addict overnight. You just don't wake up every day and have a beer overnight. All these things slowly accrue and snowball over time, day over day, week over week, month over month. So if this thing is pulling you in the opposite direction of where you know you should be going, don't use denial as an excuse for just other people. You're using denial for yourself because no one wakes up and decides they became an addict overnight. So that's number one. Number two is the only thing that separates a habit from a capital A addiction is not frequency. It's not frequency, it's the fact that you no longer have control over what your urges are. You have no more control over yourself, you are no longer holding on to the steering wheel of your life. Something else is driving your mornings, something else is driving your nights. You catch yourself in conversations thinking about this thing and how you're gonna get it today. That's how you know you're addicted. Capital A addicted. You have no more control. So, again, the real point of this episode is not to shame blame anybody. It's more about understanding when you're crossing that bridge and you don't know what part of the bridge you're on. Listen, Rich and I have been sinning and winning for a long time. So it would be very hypocritical and non-genuine of us to come on this platform and say, bro, you got to live a perfect life. That's bullshit. Nobody lives a perfect life. It's just recognizing when you're overindulging and you're overnumbing and you're overliving in a false reality and you're not addressing what's in front of you and what's obvious. Again, we say this all the time. If you clicked on this episode, you probably clicked on it for a reason. You have an inclination. Something in your gut is telling you, wait, could this be me? Shit, if you lasted this long in the episode, it it probably is you. And Rich and I are not saints. We're not, we're not here to judge, we're just here to help, man.

SPEAKER_00 58:21

Yeah, bro. Listen, like you said, just you know, you're you're not weak. We are all going through some level or form of addiction with something, right? Every man is going through it. Facts. But I think to your point, just the realization is in the self-acknowledgement that you have a problem. Well, this had habit has transitioned into something a little bit more serious that you need to get a hold of. And ultimately, you're having this self-realization and doing this self-snapshot for yourself to understand that there are things about yourself that you want to improve and you want to improve the way you're showing up for yourself and for others. And that's what this whole episode is about, man.

SPEAKER_01 59:00

Yeah. If you are struggling with addiction, Rich and I know that there are legitimate, legitimate communities, legitimate anonymous networks that you can go to deal with these things if you do feel like someone that has run out of options. Failures Podcast is not a platform that claims to be the end all be all or the authority on anything. Our phrase since day one, and I'm happy that it's still our phrase in episode 50, whatever we're in, is that we're not gurus. We're not gods, we're just guides. We're grown-ass men that have lived a lot of these problems and are living these problems today. And we feel if we share our story and we give empathy that maybe it can help someone just be able to take their finger and identify what the pain is, what the problem is. And then you have to take the baton, you have to take accountability, you have to have agency over your own life and try to figure out how do you solve the problem that you feel you have in your life. No one can tell you you have a problem. No one. But if you recognize you have a problem, that denial, ignoring it, numbing your brain so you don't address it, that is how these things compound over time. And I did also see this in the research, Rich, and it's worth mentioning. Most men under the age of 27 who can identify an addiction under the age of 27 have the highest level of recovery because they're young enough and resilient enough, and the pattern hasn't been too far cemented in their lives that they can break the chains of addiction. But the longer you wait, the heavier the chains become, the stronger the chains become. And I wanted to give people that you know that clarity. If they are suffering with something, the quicker you address it, the quicker you can get rid of it.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:53

Yeah, man. There you have it. Failures podcast. And we're certainly gonna put some resources in the description for you guys to tap in if you are somebody who is going through an addiction and is looking to seek help. But overall, man, if you guys like the episode, please share it with a friend. Justin and I don't sell anything. We just want to hear from our community and we want to build a tribe of men that are looking to self-improve. There you have it. Peace.