SPEAKER_00 0:02

If the idea of having this conversation with your girl to tell her, I'm gonna go to Eddie's house, we're gonna watch the MMA fight, I might come back at midnight, if the idea of even saying those words to your new mother, aka your girlfriend, makes you nervous, then you have a problem. You're afraid of conflict and you're afraid of being away from your girl. I don't know if the villain of this episode is your girlfriend. It might be you that you no longer know how to ask for the time that is yours. Failures Podcast. Today we're talking about the girlfriend isolation creep. How did I lose all my friends? Where did my hobbies go? When did I lose my social life? These are the questions that Rich and I are going to try to answer on today's episode. We're not blaming your girlfriend. We are identifying that the silent drift that comes with having a girlfriend allows you to lose a lot of your close friends. You want to know you're suffering from the silent drift of losing your friends when hypothetically speaking, not specific, never happened to me before. A group of my friends that I was in a run club with, they all went on vacation to Hawaii. And the only person that didn't get one group chat message from the run club group chat was your boy, Justin. That's what we're getting into today. This small but subtle thing that happens when you lose all your close friends because you're always hanging out with your girl and your boys stop inviting you out. Rich, this was a very, very specific episode we decided to get into. But me and you related a lot to it. Is this something that you can identify with? Can you relate to this topic?

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Yeah, certainly. I think it's funny how when you were single and you were on the pursuit of finding a girlfriend, and ultimately you get into a relationship, you're excited about that relationship, right? You want to spend all your time with your girlfriend, you want to cultivate that relationship, you want to keep her happy. But then you know what happened just slowly but surely all your time goes to her and less to your friends, less to that social circle that you once had. And that's what we're here to highlight today. It's like, at what point does that transition happen from you being the guy who goes to the pop-out, who goes to the gun range, who hangs out with the boys all the time, to nah uh I'm not available, or yeah, I'll let you guys know maybe next time. And then you're not included in any plans that the homies have going forward. So I'm excited to unpack this one.

SPEAKER_00 2:45

Yeah. I mean, Rich, if you really think about it, when you're younger, I'm talking about early 20s, mid-20s, you're joining run clubs, you're hanging out at the bar, you're going out four nights a week, you're trying to build that momentum wheel of social life. This is what we preach to our guys. Go out, get outside, don't just be on the apps, don't just be curating your social media, don't be curating your Instagram to show your lifestyle. Listen, we approve all that. We think young guys should be putting their peacock feathers bright and bold into the air and let women know I'm not at home all day. I'm outside, I do things, I'm physically fit, I'm financially stable, and I'm a guy that's fun to be around. That you can find that in about 15 of our old episodes. But now that we're getting into the 50s of our episode catalog, we're getting into like more specific detail. And we've noticed in our community a lot of young men talking about, damn, I've been in a relationship for three years, and I feel like the whole world has moved on without me. And it's just what you said, Rich. It's a matter of saying no enough times to your close friends, or ignoring the group chat with all your homies, or not popping out when they have things that they want to do without your girlfriend. And you keep saying no, or you'll keep saying, I'll let you know when everybody that you came up with knows that you're at home laid up under your girl, you're under something thick, something nice, and they realize this dude is never gonna hang out with us. He was just hanging out with us to get a girlfriend. Now that he has the girlfriend, he ignores all his friends. He doesn't have a social life, he has no more hobbies. His number one hobby is going to Ikea with his girl to buy furniture for the new apartment. How do I know, Rich? I've been there before, bro. I've been that guy. So I'm very excited to get into this episode because if you want to know how to lose all your friends, stay tuned. Rich and I are gonna talk you through real life experiences we had when our boys cut us off. And that story about Hawaii, Rich, my boys doing a single guy's trip to Hawaii without me when I was in a relationship, that shit broke my heart. I found out online while looking at Instagram a carousel of photos. All my boys were in Hawaii without me. And I remember thinking to myself, damn, these motherfuckers intentionally left me out of this trip because we have a group chat. They never brought up the plans to go to Hawaii in the chat. And no one ever asked me anything. No one ever asked if I wanted to go. And it might have been because I always try to bring my girl everywhere I go. That hit me that day. And that's the first story that came to mind when I thought of this episode.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

Yeah, just you go from being a friend to becoming a boyfriend, and the boyfriend label becomes your identity, right? And slowly but surely your friends realize that, and then you start to be excluded from certain plans. And sometimes, just that's not intentional. Sometimes, like you genuinely just want to spend time with your girl, and it just so happens that all the plans that get made, all the social interactions that you have are plans that your girl made with her friends that you're included in. So you end up going along. You want to keep your girl happy, right? You want to make sure that you're doing things that she wants you to be doing, and you know, you you just want to be with her at the end of the day. And I think it's interesting how you still end up having a social life, but it's a social life that isn't yours, it's a social life with her friends, not your friends. So you start to separate yourself even more from your original friends, your your homies that you've been hanging out with. And I think that's a distinction that we should definitely unpack because just I feel strongly about this. Her friends are not your friends, don't mix the two, they are her friends.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

Yeah, and and if you really want to play it out, I can draw a visual for those watching on YouTube. There's this circle that's called your life, and then there's another circle called her life. And in those two separate circles, before you guys met each other, she has friends and family, she has a social life, she has hobbies, same for you. And as you get into a relationship, slowly those things morph. And to your point, Rich, if you start sacrificing and isolating yourself away from your circle, and you make everything that's in her circle your circle, you've now abandoned everything that makes you you, the thing that gives you a safe haven, a place to go back to when you need some separation, when you need to recalibrate and figure out who who you are. Hypothetically speaking, when you merge everything in her world into your world, God forbid something goes wrong. God forbid y'all get into a crazy argument. God forbid you have to move out of the apartment that y'all are living in. God forbid that y'all break up. What happens then, Rich? That is the moment you'll realize that her friends, the ones you were hanging out with for the last two years, are not really your friends. You're gonna learn that very quickly. And you go back to try to link with your old friends, your old family, people that you were around, and their lives move on. I think that is the open wound that we are trying to stitch together in today's episode. What happens when things go left? Did you sacrifice everything in your world for her world? Are you a man that's isolated inside of your girl's world? I know that sounds crazy, but when you really think about it, you're isolated in somebody else's world when you live in their world. You are nothing but a side character in her TV show where she's the main character. It's my girlfriend and me. You are the me. You're the side guy. Think about that, because that's what happens when things go left. And that's kind of what this episode is. It's a precautionary tale. You don't really realize that you need air until you really need oxygen, until you can't breathe. This is something that you have to take very serious notes of because if you abandon all your close friends, if you abandon your hobbies, you stop taking care of your wellness, your mental wellness, you're gonna need it when things go left. So again, we don't want to over-dramatize this episode, but it's something you have to think about when you're getting into a relationship. Don't overdepend on your partner and her friends and her hobbies because they become your hobbies.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

Oh, Justin, that's a great call out. I mean, it's funny to think about someone being socially isolated but having a girlfriend, right? But the distinction is like you can still feel lonely even though you have a girlfriend. Why do you feel lonely? Because your social circle has diminished and you haven't hung out with the homies like you once used to. And the creep happens just where the diminishing of your friends, like the hanging out, it's not because of a fight, right? It's not because something negative happened, like yep, happened slow, super slow. Yep. It happens slow. Your friends start to hear no over and over again. I'm busy, like, oh, I'll let you guys know, right? Like all these phrases that someone's like, uh, it gets to a point where the homies know, bro. Every time we hit up Eddie, he always has an excuse for why he can't come out of hangout. So you know what? We're just not gonna hit him up anymore because we already know what the answer is gonna be. And that's how you get excluded from the group chat. So that's part of the cautionary tale that we're sharing with young guys, is just like understand that it's it's a slow creep, it's a whole bunch of no's that ultimately become part of that isolation that you're experiencing.

SPEAKER_00 10:43

Rich, you reminded me of a time where I moved in with two of my closest friends, and if they're watching, they know who they are. And I know the feeling of slowly being isolated and feeling lonely in a relationship because it happened to me in four stages. I was originally living with two of my roommates in Brooklyn, Crown Heights. Some of the best years of my life, me and my two closest friends, we had a beautiful loft space. We would invite girls, guys, friends over to watch the football games. Every Sunday was Sunday football night at Justin's apartment in Brooklyn. And everybody would come to the crib, we would cook, they would be like a potluck, people bring different foods, and that was phase one watching football with the boys on Sunday and Monday. It was religion, Rich. And then slowly I met a girl, and phase two was inviting my girl over to watch football with the boys on Sunday and Monday. Nothing wrong with that, right? And as time went on, I eventually started not hanging out with my boys on Sunday and watching football with my girl at the bar. She would always say, Why do you gotta watch it at your place? Why don't you come watch it at my place? And she hated that I wouldn't watch it with her. And slowly I abandoned Sunday and Monday with the boys and I started watching football with my girl. But guess what, Rich? She didn't give a fuck about football. She was not interested in football. She just wanted to hang out. So what turned into a fun Sunday and Monday with the boys turned into me sitting at her apartment trying to watch League Pass. If you've ever watched League Pass, it's about 30 different screens all at once. She's talking to me about drama with her best friend. She's talking to me about the argument she just had with her little sister. Meanwhile, I'm trying to watch the Jets lose by 30 peacefully. Bad move. What became Sunday and Mondays with my boys turned into Sunday and Mondays with her. And eventually, Rich, those Sundays and Mondays, after four years of being shifted from phase one to phase four, phase four was now her saying, Why do you watch so much football? You should come out and hang out with my mom and my father. We're going to church on Sunday. We're going to do a lunch on Sunday. We're doing brunch on Sunday. And eventually I started going to brunches on Sunday with my girl and her family. Do you see how slowly that glacier of loneliness and sadness and not hanging out with the homies doing caveman shit turned into me hanging out with my girl, wearing pastel colors, going to brunch spots that I don't want to be at? This shit is a slippery slope. It happens very quickly if you're not paying attention. And I think that is the core thesis of this whole episode. This doesn't happen overnight, it happens in phases. And eventually we broke up, Rich. And I tried to watch football with the boys. The boys weren't accepting me back anymore.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

Listen, and it just I love that story because I think that's what happens ultimately when men make her their everything and everything becomes about her. Like your mindset is I finally found someone and I don't want to lose her. So you craft your social lifestyle around her and her interests and what she likes and keeping her happy. And there is such a thing as overcommitment. Like, like you're already committed to her in a relationship. But when you overcommit, is when like all of your time goes to this one individual that you love so much. And listen, there's nothing wrong about spending time with your girlfriend and loving your girlfriend. But when it gets to a point where you do not have a social life for yourself, that is the cautionary tale that we're highlighting here. Yeah. I think people commit deeply and don't realize that every yes to her is a no to your voice. Think about that.

SPEAKER_00 14:51

Yeah. If you are someone that feels lonely inside of a relationship, it's because your entire world is your girl. You've made everything in your life about your relationship. You have no identity because your identity is your relationship. You have no friends, you have no hobbies, you've ignored your family, you got little cousins getting old, haven't seen them in a while. I got nieces and nephews getting old, haven't seen them in a while. I'm only focused on my girlfriend. This is not her fault. You happily subscribed to be up under her, laying under some nice double C's, double D's. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Every man understands this problem. The way you reverse out of it is that you have to reclaim your personal time. And that's what Rich and I are talking about. We don't blame you, trust me. We don't blame you, but you can't blame her either. You have to gain control of your time if you feel lonely inside of a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

Yeah, and you know what's a slippery slope, just when you consider your girlfriend your girlfriend, your friend, your best friend, your therapist, your mentor, your consultant, your fucking tax person, your everything.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

Yeah. Honestly, I think it's Spanish couples too, Rich. I'm sorry to jump in, but Latina women are, I'm just thinking about that. They got this Medusa thing going on. They can hypnotize you with food, with love, with besitos. And don't be fooled, men out there. They're luring you in. It feels great, but it's seductive. And I don't know what point you were getting to, Rich, but I assume what you're saying is you got to snap yourself out of it because you could be in deep before you realize that you have no life.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

Just that's not a partnership, that's dependence. Think about it. You're depending on her and all the plans she's making. And it's not our plans, it's not your plans, it is her plans that you are being included in, right? So that's why it becomes all about her and her entire social life. And bro, I'd be honest, this is how I feel all the time. Wow. I'm a father of two children, girlfriend, house, the whole nine. And you know, I and I understand that comes with the responsibility, right? Like once you hit a certain age and you have a whole household to take care of and family and children, like it becomes a lot more difficult to hang out with the homies because your family needs you a lot more than what your friends need you, which leads me to this point, just and I feel strongly about this. It's like I tend to gravitate better to the homies that do understand my family circumstances, that do understand that my family needs most of my time and don't hold it against me. And we go weeks, months without talking, but whenever we reconnect, it's like no time has passed, right? Those type of dudes, I feel like I gravitate to better because they understand, right? There's no ill will or feelings harbored about not tapping in so frequently. The dudes that are high maintenance that need to hear from you every week, it's like, nah, bro, this shit ain't gonna work. Like, I'm not your guy.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

Yeah. If you're someone that feels like your entire social life doesn't exist outside of your relationship with your girlfriend, I would ask you to do a quick audit on which one of your friends are your closest friends and who can you always depend on. I'll call that the real ones checklist. The real ones are available for you when you're in crisis. The real ones can go six months, nine months, twelve months without checking in with you personally. And when you need them, they're there for you. Now, this is not like a passive aggressive strategy where you wait to go through a crisis before you hit somebody up. No, no, this is just people that are solid. Their lives are together, and you can go to them when there's drama or trauma going on in your life. I think that's the number one thing that separates men and women. There is like this constant dependency from friends when it comes to women, constant dependency from women when it comes to checking in on their family to make sure that they still love them and they care. I find, Rachel, I'm speaking for myself, but I do find a lot of men to be this way. I can go without talking to one of my guy friends for six months, nine months. And when I see them, it's all love. That's a real one's checklist. If they're there for you when you're in a crisis and they never bring up the fact that y'all haven't spoken in a while, that's someone you want to keep in your circle. Now, if your relationship is based on somebody that you need to be hitting up all the time, they be texting you shit all the time and you always got to hit them back. To me, that's a burden. If you're someone that's pursuing something greater than you, you're trying to start a business, you're trying to go to grad school, you're trying to save money to buy your own house. So you're working two or three jobs. No one can really have a friendship that is that needy. But the ones that are always around when you need them and they're busy living their best life and you're busy living your best life, that is a real one. Those are real one friends. That's the kind of friends that you need when you're in a deep relationship. Because the relationship is important, Rich. Who are we kidding? If you're gonna build a family, long-term relationship with a woman, you got to invest time. But at the same time, you should find friends that are available when you need them most.

SPEAKER_01 20:25

Yeah, listen, just it's a slippery slope. Like for me, I gravitate to low maintenance friends. It's like, bro, I tap in when I can. If I don't tap in and I tap in a month or two later, like you still understand you don't hold it against me, right? Those are low maintenance friends, right? I think the slippery slope, it's like, bro, you can't disappear for 12 months and expect that homie to be there when you're in a crisis or when you're going through a breakup. It's like, my man, I haven't spoken to you in a year, and now like you're asking me for advice, like you know what I mean. I I think that's where the slippery slope is. It's like with low maintenance friends, you could go a couple weeks, couple months without tapping in, but you still have to have the ability to tap in. Don't just disappear because you've been in this relationship for three years. And when y'all break up, expect your old homies to still be there like nothing ever happened. It's like, bro, you literally got into a relationship and flew away into the sunset with this woman. We haven't heard from you in three years. Like, yeah, I don't know if we're still friends anymore, right? Like, that's what happens ultimately.

SPEAKER_00 21:33

Rich, it's hard for me to say the story without saying too much, but I do not want this friend to know it's about them. So I might change a few things. But follow me here. I had a guy friend that when we were both single, we literally did everything together. We went to the bars together, we went to bullshit comedy clubs together, we did improv comedy together, we would go play basketball together. I'm talking about everything. We were like this when we were both single. But then he got a girlfriend, and she was beautiful. And maybe she came out of a crazy relationship where she was still being hunted down by that other guy. And my boy claimed her either way. Long story short, this dude thought the best strategy to stay in this relationship with this girl was to always be with her. I'm talking about every minute of every day that we would hang out, he would be like, yo, I'll meet you for sushi, but my girl's pulling up. Do you mind if she joins us? Yo, we're gonna go play ball at the same place we played every Saturday for the last two years, but my girl's gonna meet us there. Is it cool if we play with her before we start playing the full pickup games? I want her to be involved. Yo, my girl has a friend that she wants to link you with. So the next time we watch the MMA fight, I'm gonna bring my girl's friend with her. Bro, everything was about the three of us now. We were a tandem. Now we were a trio. And I didn't know how to break it to him that like I could see our friendship dividing because I couldn't hang out with him in the same way I was hanging out with him before because we would share stories about dates that we've been on, women we were hanging out with. We would talk about basketball for hours, we would talk about boxing for hours. Rich, my relationship with this guy was gone. And I was noticing it as it was happening, and I was finding it harder and harder to pick up the phone when he would call me to link because every time we linked, it wasn't just him, it was him plus one. So him plus one kind of splintered our relationship. So, you know, we were falling apart slowly. And I remember him breaking up with her, and then we started hanging out again. So as we're hanging out, I fell for the old trick-or-oo. This dude hits me up, like, yo, I'm outside of your house. I'm gonna drop off a gym bag and uh a basketball that I left with him. So I had just had a date the night before. So I couldn't wait to link with the homie to recap. Because if you've ever had a good first date where it ended the way you wanted it to end, if you know, you know. The best thing that you could do after a good date night is recap with the homies. Everybody knows that. So I'm rushing down to link with my man's. He's in his truck. I get in his truck. He's like, yo, I was last night. Rich, I start telling him the story from the beginning. Bro, I got her in the bed. She fucking tells me to go take a shower. When she comes out, she got rubbing oils. I'm telling him all this freaky dee shit. Bro, I'm about 10 minutes into the story. And he's like, yo, my bad. He looks down at his phone and he's FaceTiming with his girl.

SPEAKER_01 24:38

Damn.

SPEAKER_00 24:39

I look at him like, yo, how long has she been on FaceTime? He's like, nah, she's been FaceTiming with me all day. It's that she's on a road trip. She did something professionally that she had to travel sometimes. And he was like, you know how I am with my baby. I always gotta keep up, I always, we always gotta be together. I was like, yo, you've been on FaceTime the whole time. That's wild. Bro, you have to announce that when someone gets in the car. He's like, bro, you know we're always together. And he's like, say hello, Justin's here. She's like, oh, Justin, finish the story. It's such a good story. I'm like, like, yo, this dude is bugging. What the fuck? So anyway, after that, bro, we weren't as tight as we were before because I realized that hanging out with me, and he's not wrong for it, was just a means to an end. And he's not low. He was finding companionship in his friends because we were both in pursuit of the hunt. But after he found his hunt and he got his win, he didn't want to be outside anymore, but he wanted to keep the friendship. And unfortunately, that's what divided us. You know, I say all that to say don't be thrown off that most of the times when you link up with friends when everybody's single is because you guys are all pursuing a common goal. It might be in your best interest to find friends that are in the same space that you're in, so you guys don't split apart. And that's some real high-level 400-level shit. But guys that you used to be single with are not the same guys you hang out with when you're in a relationship because the goals are different, the conversations are different.

SPEAKER_01 26:02

Yeah, listen, I think that's great advice. And you know what one of the things that I feel like we need to call out, because I could see the internet warriors being like, yo, but I love my girl. What's so wrong about that? Like, like, like I'm a devoted boyfriend, right? Like, bro, that is fine. Jesus Christ. But that's you, that's your whole definition of yourself. Good shit. What you're sacrificing is what you just said, Jess. It's that emotional connection with the homies where you could vent to them about something that they could relate to. You can't tell your girl everything. That's just certain conversations that are man-to-man conversations that only men understand. And if you don't have a bonding time with that one-on-one time with the homies to vent about something personal or get advice, or just, you know, shit, share some of your feelings, how you feel in emotionally, how you're feeling with your mental headspace, like you're going to feel that social isolation because you can't get these topics off with your girl. So that is what you're sacrificing by not maintaining the proper social circle and friendships that you once used to have before your girl was in the picture. So I just want to be clear because, like, some guys could be like, nah, but I love my girl. Like, what's so bad about that? Bro, there's nothing wrong about loving your girl. But when it comes out of sacrifice, these are the consequences. This is what you're losing by trading your time with your girl versus maintaining friendships as well.

SPEAKER_00 27:37

Rich, what you just said is a five-star piece of advice because it is not something that is a nice to have. It is something that is a need to have. What you just said, bro, that's essential to every man. How do you know that, Rich? Because you're a grown man that's been in many relationships. Without saying too much, how much do you look forward to some time that you have alone or with a guy friend where you're not living as a dad or a husband? You just get to be rich for maybe 20 minutes.

SPEAKER_01 28:12

Right now, the podcast. Wow. It's a good two hours to reconnect with the homie, share some advice to these young men, and continue to build something that we're both passionate about. But this is what this project and business is for me. And I'm glad that it serves as two things at once in my life.

SPEAKER_00 28:32

Yeah, I mean, you hit the nail right on the head, Rich. If you're a little older and you're 100% devoted to your relationship, and your relationship with your partner comes with a family, you have to invest most of your time and energy into that because your family is what feeds you. Your kids are what feeds you. You know, feeds you spiritually, emotionally. So Rich and I are not like 40-year-old, 38-year-old men trying to make pretend we're some young guys out here living our best life. No, no, no. When you get older, there's different mechanisms for the same problems. The mechanism that we're saying is you still need personal time for your own hobbies. You still need personal time for your own mind to roam freely and truly tackle the problems that you're going through in your life. This is everyday life shit. This shit is extreme, Rich. We saw research in our pre-show prep that was telling us that I think it was something like in the 90s, they could identify five out of every 10 men. That means one out of every two men could say, Yes, I have five or more close friends. This is back in the 90s. That same research was done in 2026. Two in every 10 men, that means one in every five men now say they have a close friend. That is almost a 70% decrease in friendships. Why is that happening, Rich? There's many reasons. So what we're talking about here, hypothetically, a woman clicked on this episode and she's furious with 30 minutes in. Fuck these guys. They need to understand that men need to invest their time and energy into the relationship. And by the way, we'd be hypocrites if we didn't agree. Rich has a girl, I have a girl, Rich has a family, I have a family. We invest our time. We're not saying that. What we're saying is, how did we go from one in every two men having five close friends in the 90s to one in every 10 men having close friends in 2026? Then you correlate the suicide rate or men feeling depressed and lonely. This is all hard data. There has to be a correlation between men not feeling like they have somewhere to go and relieve themselves and be themselves and unwind and be crazy or be energetic or be loud. That comes with these safe havens for men. And a lot of that comes with having a close friend that is an outlet that can go on a long run with you, that can go to the gym with you, that can go to the gun range with you. Do anything other than be home up under your girl. I think that's what we're talking about here. And when you frame it that way, Rich, it feels more serious because it is serious. It does lead to sad and dark shit if you don't address this problem.

SPEAKER_01 31:17

Yeah, I agree with you. And listen, Jess, it's not about the girl. I think it starts with you, right? Like you're under this false impression that you have to overcommit to your girlfriend that spending all your time with her is loyalty and that's love, right? But ultimately that could be smothering. And maybe she doesn't want that all the time. Like, yeah, she wants to be chosen, but she also wants you to have a life of your own. She doesn't want to have to manage your emotional regularity all the time, right? Like, you know what's crazy to me, just when she says, Hey, I have plans with my girlfriends Friday night. I'm gonna go hang out, and she goes hang out, and you're staying home with nothing to do because you've lost all your boys, and your whole life has been about spending time with her. Now she's out hanging out with her girls, and you have nothing to do.

SPEAKER_00 32:11

And you're sick, you're on her friend's IG stories, looking at every one of their stories to see what your girl is doing. Oh, I know.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

Oh, I know. Just we're laughing though, but bro, this is the wound, this is the cautionary tale, this is what we're warning young guys to look out for. This is when you know that your relationship and your social isolation has become a problem. Like you haven't separated these two.

SPEAKER_00 32:38

Ask yourself this one question if you're struggling with being lonely in a relationship. If your girlfriend went out of town for the weekend for work, for friends, with family, what would you do with that free time? And does it make you sad to know that she won't be around for three days? That is a question that you have to answer yourself. And only you know how you felt when I asked that question. That's a test. That's a test, Rich. To your point, if you have absolutely nothing to do, and if you reach out to people that when you look at your iMessages on your phone and you notice you haven't hit this guy up in two years, and now you want to hit him up because your girl's not around, that's your problem. That's not your friend's problem who won't hit you back or your girl who's out of town. That's your problem. And you have to address that. You have to figure out what it is that you do when this person is not in your orbit. It's a challenge. It's I've been there before. It's definitely a challenge.

SPEAKER_01 33:42

Yeah, that's exactly right. And how do you do that, Just? Like maintain friendships. Like it's really that simple. Have some personal goals, have some hobbies, spend some time on your own without your girlfriend, right? Like these are all things that you're capable of doing and you have control of doing, right? And then obviously, when you come together with your girl, that is one unit. When you get together with your friends, that is another unit. But have these sub-lifestyles, if I'm saying that properly, of your life that you can tap into. Don't just make everything about your girlfriend, and then you feel lonely and isolated within a relationship and you don't understand why. Like these are the reasons why.

SPEAKER_00 34:30

Yeah, it's tough because I don't want to give the wrong advice to the wrong guy. I know how I feel about my free time. And I've said it on enough episodes that it's rubbed people who love me the wrong way. Because I come off selfish. I do understand that. But anybody who fucks with me and is a part of my seven to ten people I spend the most time with, whether it be on the phone, FaceTime, or in friendship, they know I'm loyal to the soil and I'm always down for the mission. But outside of that 10, Rich, I'm very selfish with my time. I'm very, very stingy with my free time. And I just want to make it clear to the young man that's giving all of his time to his girlfriend and maybe his job. I would say a simple rule, if you feel lonely or isolated or you spend too much time with your girlfriend, a simple rule would be the three and ninety. The three and ninety is the three is a hobby, a passion, and something health driven. If you are doing one of those three things 90 minutes a day, you're good because your health is important, your hobbies are important, and your friendships are important. No person that loves you and calls themselves your romantic other half is going to stop you from getting one of those three things 90 minutes a day. Now I know that sounds like mathematical or like it sounds like something that's impossible to do. It's not. Just carve out an hour and a half a day to one of those three things, and I promise you, you won't miss much when it comes to your girl. And she's gonna respect that free time that you give yourself, and you have to respect that free time that she gives herself. And as they say, Rich, the more time you guys are separate, the more time you're gonna enjoy with each other. Familiarity breeds contempt, meaning the more you're around someone all the time, the less preciousness, the less value you feel for it. But every time there's a little bit of space between you two, you value what you miss. You value what's not there. It's the equivalent of someone taking the microwave or the fucking air fryer out of your house and not giving it back to you for a whole week. You won't realize how overlooked and how much contempt you had for that product until it's removed from your home. It takes a long time to heat up food in the stove. It really is messy to fry your food before you had an air fryer. You don't realize the value of these things until they're gone. Same goes for a relationship. I just wanted to make that clear because, you know, a little bit of space can make the relationship a little bit more exciting. Don't let that go over your head.

SPEAKER_01 37:26

Yeah, just listen, I don't think this is about necessarily being lonely. I think this really comes down to the identity wound, bro. Like, who are you when you're outside of the relationship? And what have you lost, right? Think about that framing. Like, you end up losing your identity and who you are as a person because you've made it all about her or all about the relationship. And it's terrible because the things you were into, who you were, is what attracted her to you in the first place. Great point. But now you're starting to become a person that she doesn't see as the same person anymore, right? Because you're losing yourself to the relationship. You're you don't have hobbies anymore, you're not maintaining your friendships anymore, you're not as outgoing as you used to be, right? Like this is the creep that we're talking about, is you slowly start to morph into this person that that's not who she fell in love with.

SPEAKER_00 38:27

Rich, that right there, that subject you just touched on would be bad for us because I can go down a negative path of being very judgy. I can be very judgy when it comes to a man that just donates all of his aura. He trades it in for one girlfriend. Brother, you have to maintain a level of aura. Brother, you have to maintain a level of fitness. My guy, you have to be the master of domain and the king of some category outside of washing dishes with your girl. If you don't have a world outside of your girl's world that you are the man, she will look at you as less of a man because she doesn't see anything that's worthy of praising. If you're not a boss at work, if you're not the captain of your intramural basketball team, if you can't do one fucking pull-up when her and her friends are joking of who's the strongest of her boyfriends, if you can't win a card game, if you're not the smartest guy in the room, you have to be the shining light in some world for her to want to be a part of. If you've dimmed all those lights that you used to be the man, and now you're just, I'm just Abby's boyfriend. That's who I am, that's my whole identity. I'm Abby's boyfriend. You are a supporting character in the TV show that is all about her. And that's not a good life to live because that's where the depression starts. That's where that feeling of not knowing who you are. I have no identity. I'm trapped in this relationship. Relationships are a beautiful thing, but you have to maintain your own world, man. She cannot be your whole world. A dependable man has a world to invite her into. That's what makes her excited to be in a relationship with you. Chances are that's why she got with you. Even if you were the fucking king of the chess club, that's why she got with you, bro. I'm I'm gonna stop because I can I can vent. I feel like guys give this up and they think it's a good thing. It's not a good thing. Stay on your fucking cues, stay on your P's and Q's, stay sharp, stay dangerous. You have to do that.

SPEAKER_01 40:47

Yeah, no, listen, I love everything you're saying, and I think it's super important. And I think that's what happens, Just. It's like you slowly abandon who you are to prove to someone else that you love them so much. That is the wound, that is the cautionary tale.

SPEAKER_00 41:04

Is that love? Is that love?

SPEAKER_01 41:07

It's not love, bro. For you to abandon yourself, abandon your identity, abandon your friends, abandon who you used to be because you now love said individual. That is what we are warning our young guys to be cautious of. That's what happens when you make it all about the relationship, when you make it all about her, when you make it all about her friends, her social circle, her lifestyle. You abandon who you are for the sake of keeping the relationship intact. But like I said before, bro, overcommitment can also be a poison, you know? And to your point, Jess, I don't think that's love. And we should probably make a whole episode about that because I feel like this word love is very broad and global. Oh shit. But it's like there's so many different ways to love someone. And I think a lot of young guys view the word love differently. And to your point, there might be some guys that overcommit to their girl and they think that that's love. Maybe they saw that growing up with their mom and pops and they believe that that's actual love. But it's not love if you are abandoning yourself in the process. It is not love.

SPEAKER_00 42:28

Rich, I've never been in a relationship where I didn't tell my significant other this line. Hey, the beauty of the door in my house of love is that that door not only opens for you to walk into it, but it also opens for you to walk out of it. I don't do hostages. I don't do hostages. Anyone that's in any business relationship with me, anybody that's in a romantic relationship with me is there voluntarily. 100%. I do not do hostages. The minute you try to smother somebody, bombard them with love, you become a yes man, you do every single thing for them out of fear, fear that you need this person, that is not love. That's fear of loss. There's a big difference there. Now, if you trick a woman to come into your life, and the minute she walks in, you close the door, you lock the door, you put up a bolt, you start screwing in screws so the door can't open, that woman is gonna figure out at some point that you are desperate. You don't have a world outside of her, and you are trying to smother her in order to keep her in your world. Women can sense desperation. They are bloodhounds for this shit. So just be mindful that when you lead with the openness and you leave the door open and you tell her, hey, if you don't want to be here, you don't have to be here. But I would love you to be in my life. Now that is the type of fucking aura that women absolutely love because they know, damn. This motherfucker's whole world is not my world. I want to peek into his world. What is he about? What makes him so confident? Why is his world so lit? I want to be a part of that world. That is the antidote to this entire episode, Rich. If your girlfriend became your entire social life, the way you've reversed that is by creating your own social life. I imagine a relationship like two human beings inside of a submarine. And in that submarine, there's water filling in called reality and life. And you guys have a tank called free time. That free time tank is the thing that you have and she has separately. And every now and then, it's like a cute movie. You hit the tank, you breathe in your free time, she breathes in her free time. After a while, when you guys are breathing from the same tank of free time, there's not enough of it. You have to have your own personal tank, and she has to have her own personal tank. If not, y'all are both gonna drown in that submarine. You need to have your own personal free time tank so you can live your own life and you're not dependent on this person in order for you to live. That is the metaphor that I think of that I think is saving both of y'all. It's not fair to have one person be all of your free time. It just makes the relationship feel claustrophobic. It makes the relationship feel smothered, and there's no room for both of y'all to grow. How do I know this, Rich? I'm 40 years old. Two of my worst and most traumatic relationships that ended, they ended because of this. They ended because of this. I made my world my girl's world, and it ended poorly. But the whole time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was overwatering the flowers thinking I was doing a good job. Little did I know I was drowning them.

SPEAKER_01 45:55

Yeah, man. Listen, I'm glad you share that. And I think that that's what happens is like when guys are afraid of living their life outside of her, they carry this guilt of like, oh man, I'm having fun without her, right? Like, I'm enjoying myself without her. Like, does this mean that I like love her less? Right. And that's part of the reframing that I would ask young men to go through. It's just like, bro, just because you're going out and having fun and hanging out with your boys does not mean that you love her less. You should not feel guilty for having fun outside of your relationship. It's perfectly normal and fine for you to do that. But to your point, just this is the feelings that a young guy has and gets when he's made her her entire world. That he carries that guilt of like, man, if I do anything outside of this relationship, I feel guilty for doing it because it's not with her, right? And that is toxic, my man. That is not love, that is toxic.

SPEAKER_00 46:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:00

And we're gonna do the love episode just because I feel like that's such a nuance that we need to break down. Um, we're gonna do that one.

SPEAKER_00 47:07

Rich, I do want you to bring up something that you mentioned in our Stay Dangerous episode, and it's worth mentioning it now. Why do women want a rock, somebody strong in a relationship, not a man that just is fair weather? He's affected by anything.

SPEAKER_01 47:24

Yeah, listen, you have to be a dependable person to a woman. You have to be her protector, her provider. You have to be there for her financially, emotionally. That is, I believe, what the primary thing that a girl looks for in a man is like someone who's solid, someone who's dangerous, someone that can physically protect her, someone that can help negotiate a car deal, right? Like just like uh a Swiss Army knife. Like you could, you're the jack of all trades, you could do it all. Like that is what women love, bro.

SPEAKER_00 47:56

Now, how does the man in this episode play into that framing for a man that is a rock? Does this guy who was always up under her, always hanging out with her family, her friends, checking in on her when she leaves the house? How does that affect the relationship?

SPEAKER_01 48:11

No, bro. You are a burden to her. You're like a child to her. She has to care for her dog, and then she has to care for you. She's worried about leaving both of y'all alone in the house, right?

SPEAKER_00 48:24

Like, yeah, no woman wants multiple kids. They want kids with you, but they don't want to take care of you as a fucking kid. And that is the problem. I believe there is this Medusa thing going on where women can lure men in and show you, let me cook for you, let me rub your back, let me show you how comfortable and beautiful your life could be. When you're laying down watching the game, let me lay on your chest, let me distract you from this football game you're watching, let me show you love, let me smother you with love. They're not evil. That's just genetics. That's just what they do. They're there to bring another side out of a hardened man. But don't be fooled. When you get tricked into that and you become that every day, your woman doesn't want you to be that. She wants you to be that with her in that moment. But when you go out into the world and if you practice that three and 90 that I said before, you have a hobby, you have a passion, you prioritize your health, you prioritize your money. She doesn't want to see none of that shit. She just wants you to come home fit and strong. She wants you to your bank account to be nice and husky. And if there's ever a crisis, you could go into your savings and solve it. She wants you to have a peace of mind. So when she's falling apart, you're mentally stable. And she wants you to have your own fucking friends. So when she goes out to a baby shower without you, you're not fucking texting her every 20 minutes. Do you see how this works for her when you work for yourself? Three and 90, man. Just take 90 minutes a day to prioritize these things. And I promise you, your life will slowly improve because the same way you give up a peace of mind and you give up a lot of freedom and free time to your relationship is the same way you get it back. Slowly, gradually.

SPEAKER_01 50:09

Yeah. And listen, not to villainize the women, just but I feel like if a woman knows that she's your only source of love, they might use that against you, my boy. Think about it. If you're her only source of like affection, might. Yeah, might, might.

SPEAKER_00 50:28

It will get used against you. It will get used against. It's like telling a car dealer, like, man, I walked in here with $60,000. But how much is that car? 30? He might use that extra $30,000 against you.

SPEAKER_01 50:41

Yeah, bro. So if a woman knows that she's your only source of love, she will use it against you because she knows that you need her for validation, you need her for encouragement, emotional safety, reassurance, affection. Like she has the power and the control over you now because she knows that she's holding on to the one thing that she has complete control over, and it's the love that you need to receive from her. Damn. You relinquish all control at the end of the day. I know I don't want to make this evil, but no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 51:16

Listen, this episode was a nine of ten. You just took the turn into making it a grail episode, Rich. Every man should listen to this episode. Because as we're talking about it, I'm thinking about all the times that I've stumbled and fallen in a relationship, and I wasn't able to get up because when I got up three years later, I didn't even know who I was looking at in the mirror. I said this before, and I'm gonna say it again. I was in one of the most problem-free relationships that in four years I gained 40 pounds. And I didn't know how it happened, but I was having a good ass time, Rich. I was traveling, I was eating out every night. I had just gotten my first two promotions at the first record label that I worked at. Life was up, man. Everything was beautiful, and out of nowhere, one week my relationship did a 180, and I found myself living in a different place than this woman lived in, and I had to get my entire life back. Four years of kicking my feet up and just slacking, no savings, 40 pounds overweight. Thought I was gonna be with this girl for my whole life. True story. And I had to get it back day by day. I had to save week by week. I had to gain my confidence back month by month, year by year. This shit takes time. The same way you lose it is the same way you get it, Rich. And I think this is huge what you brought up in this episode. So I don't frame it as negative, I frame it as essential. I think this is essential.

SPEAKER_01 52:54

Yeah, Justin. Listen, if your girl is making you feel like you need to have this overcommitment, this devotion to her, like all your time needs to go to her, that is toxic. And you are a person who's living in fear. You're living in fear of losing someone who you believe that you love, and you end up having to overcommit everything and changing who you are to be this like devoted man to her, but that's poison, bro. That's toxic. Yeah. Right? Because I feel like at that point you're just living in the relationship in fear. You're like, you don't want to hang out with your boys because then she's gonna call you out because you're not spending time with her, because you're not choosing her first, you're putting your friends first over her, like then it becomes this whole thing where, like, damn, I can't do anything outside of the relationship because she's gonna hold it against me and I'm in fear that I'm going to lose her.

SPEAKER_00 53:56

Rich, I thought you brought up a good point there. And if you're someone that feels like you're isolated and trapped in your girl's world and you don't have a personal life outside of your relationship, ask yourself this question and tell me how your body reacts. I want to tell my girl that I'm going to do something this Saturday with my friends, I'm gonna be out of the house for six hours. If the idea of having this conversation with your girl to tell her, you're not asking her, you're telling her, hey, I'm gonna go to Eddie's house, we're gonna watch the MMA fight, I might come back at midnight. If the idea of even saying those words to your new mother, aka your girlfriend, makes you nervous, then you have a problem. You're afraid of conflict and you're afraid of being away from your girl. That's why Rich was saying earlier in the episode, I don't know if the villain of this episode is your girlfriend. It might be you, it might be the charisma and the balls that you lost in your relationship that you no longer know how to ask for the time that is yours. It's this is your life. This is your free time. You should do what you think is best with it, as long as you're doing right by the relationship. So if you ask yourself that question and you can't even think of how she would react because you'll be in fear of her response, then you have a huge problem, my boy.

SPEAKER_01 55:18

That's deep right there. And we're not telling men not to love. Love, love your girlfriend, love her deeply, but just don't disappear. Don't lose who you are, don't lose your identity, don't lose what makes you special, don't lose why she fell in love with you in the first place in the process. That's exactly what we're saying.

SPEAKER_00 55:40

The best way I would close this episode out that our guy that listened this long and recognizes he has a problem is just understand this, man. You didn't lose your friends, your family, your hobbies, your body, your fitness, your wellness, your mental health. You didn't lose any of it. You were distracted, investing your time and energy into something that was important to you. It happens. All great men have really good focus. You focus on a priority in your life that is your job, that is your entrepreneurial business. And sometimes it's your family, it's your relationship. There's no more important person than your significant other if you're gonna build foundation for a family. So we're not blaming you for zooming into something that is going to pay dividends, that's gonna bear fruit that you are gonna enjoy for the rest of your life. What we're saying is you can walk and chew gum at the same time. You can love your girlfriend, be dedicated to your relationship, acknowledge her when she's going through a crisis, spend some of your free time with her. But the most important word in your free time is your. This is your time. Do what you think is best with it as long as it's feeding you and fueling you so you can be a better partner, so you could be a better friend, so you can be a better self to yourself, so you don't feel isolated and depressed. That's really what me and Rich are talking about. We're trying to give men their freedom back. A lot of their freedom comes from not having the time to put back it to themselves so they could show up as a better person. So again, the villain is not your girlfriend. The villain is how you don't respect your free time and you need to get it back. So, like we said before, if you slipped up and let this shit happen for four years, it didn't happen overnight. So the way you gain it back is the same way slow, steady, day over day, week over week, and you'll regain your time. You'll regain your personal identity. And I kind of think that's what Rich and I are talking about in this episode. There's no one cure that would be impossible.

SPEAKER_01 57:47

Man, just this was a deep one, man. I'm glad we got to unpack this because, like you said before, there's a lot of nuances about that slow creep that happens when you have a girlfriend and you start to lose your friends and your social circle in the process. Yeah. And man, hopefully we shared something that really connected with you guys. If you have a friend that you think could relate, please share it.

SPEAKER_00 58:12

Rich, you know, I'm gonna listen to this episode today because I have to go to a baby shower with my girlfriend that I can't get out of. So I am a hypocrite. Don't listen to anything I'm saying. Maybe you can lead us, Rich, because I'm lying to myself. I gotta go hang out with my girl right now.

SPEAKER_01 58:27

Me too. So we're both hypocrites. There you have it, Failures Podcast. We out.