SPEAKER_01 0:02

The zero friction, reliable, competent man gets rewarded with more work. Eventually, you will experience burnout. And when you experience burnout and you're frustrated and you feel like you don't have enough time for yourself, you have no one to blame but yourself. That's it. You don't have to run around holding everybody accountable because you know what? Everybody else's problems were solved by you. But you didn't solve your own problems. Failures podcast. Today we are talking about the competence tax. You solving everybody else's problems with zero friction. How you becoming Mr. Fixit has become an incredible burden on your life. Question: Are you the guy in your family everyone calls when something breaks and you fix it? Are you the guy at work that your boss calls at 2 a.m. midnight with some other department's problem and you jump in there and fix it? In your relationship, are you the guy that plans the vacations? You're the guy who pays all the bills. You're the guy that calls your landlord or a tenant because something went wrong. Are you the guy that everyone depends on for competence? If that's you, stay right there. This episode is for you because we're discussing the accountability and reliability tax that comes with being overly competent. Rich, I could already hear it in the comment section from our listeners. These well actually that are gonna tell us, well, actually, there's nothing wrong with being competent. What's wrong with that? In your opinion, Rich, what's the worst part about being competent? And what's a tax that you've noticed in your life that you've had to pay for being competent?

SPEAKER_00 1:49

Yeah, Just Well, listen, first of all, I hope that all of our listeners are competent. That's such an incredible like skill to have and personality trait, right? But the difficulty comes when someone says at home, hey, give it to Rich, he'll handle it. Rich always is the organizer of every like event that we go to. Oh, borrow money from Rich because he's got it, right? Like you become the person that everybody goes to to solve all these problems. And yes, underneath the surface, it feels nice to be the problem solver, to be wanted, to be resourceful for people. But where the poison lies is that some people lean a little bit too much on you. Some people rely on you too much. You become the default person that they go to for everything. And now they don't even want to solve problems that they're more than capable of solving for themselves. And we should probably zoom into the workplace, right? Like, is the person who is irresponsible part of their strategy to have less work put on them? You think so? People playing dumb, one would question. One could question, right? Some people play dumb because they get this label of the irresponsible guy, the untrustworthy guy, the guy who lets things slip through the cracks. And then, hey, let's go to Justin. Let's go to Rich. Let's go to listener listening to this episode for this said task because they're always on time. They always deliver. We trust them, right? That is the tax. You are competent in every aspect of the workplace. So all the work is defaulted to you. And like I said, it feels good to be wanted. It feels good to be competent. It feels good for people to look at you like you're someone who is resourceful. But when all the work is going to you and the lazy motherfuckers in the back at work are just coasting and taking one-hour lunches, that's when you need to look within and be like, hmm, I'm really paying this competent tax. Let me see if there's some things I could tweak.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

I just kind of want to hear you vent more and more until you say who this coworker is. Because I feel like you have a person in mind.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Co-worker or co-workers within S. Plural. Plural, bro. Just I really believe that this may be intentional by some people, right? Do too much, you will receive more work. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like, yeah, keep status quo, appear busy, do the optics game, and you won't get more work put on you.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

Let me ask you a question then, because I actually think this falls right into the whole episode. Then why be competent? Why is Rich competent in his relationship? Why are you competent in your friendships? Why are you competent when it comes to your family depending on you? And to your point, why are you competent at work?

SPEAKER_00 4:56

I mean, listen, I think being competent is equal to being intelligent, right? Like you're someone who's smart about their decision making, about how they their approach to things. You have common sense, you're very rational, right? Like you have all these great characteristics that ultimately make you a dependent individual. And that is an incredible skill and personality trait to have, right? Like advocate for everyone. If your head's in the clouds, like get your head out of your ass and become a competent person because the net positive will pay you dividends throughout your entire life. Everyone loves to have competent people around, especially when the goal is to accomplish a said mission, right? But you gotta also try to weed out the people that are using you because you are the competent person, right? And just that is not so easy to detect, right? I think what happens is you become the competent guy at work, right? All the important projects get thrown on you with your parents. Like you're the guy who has no problem driving long distance. So like every road trip, every airport drop-off, like give it to Rich because you know he drives everyone around, right? They ask you for money. Oh, you know, he has a large savings, he makes the most money. Like it makes sense to borrow money from Rich because everyone else is um not so financially stable, right? And little by little, bro, every little aspect of your life has the tax of competency. That's the nuance that we're here to unpack. It's like, I feel like it's something that happens to you that you don't realize that it's happening to you. And you're like, well, I'm just being me. I'm just being a good person. Like, why should I view the people that I love like they're abusing of me? Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:51

Rich, there are few men on the planet Earth under the age of 30 years old that are capable of financially helping out their significant other. There are very few men that are financially capable of helping out their parents. There are very few men that have disposable income to help out their kids and have their kids allow them to see the dreams in their life. This is not me, you just going back and forth based on what we think is going on. This is facts. We run an entire platform, we're 60 plus episodes in, and we know for a fact that young men and disposable income and competence, aka reliability, aka someone who's capable of holding the burden of responsibility for others, is non-existent. This is something that's eroding more and more year over year with every generation of young men coming up into adulthood. This is what failures platform is designed around. So if we want to dive a little bit deeper on this episode, we're talking about a minority. A very, very rare human is the human that people can depend on, especially a young man that people can depend on. So I want to get a little bit more philosophical here. I want our listener to understand if you feel this pressure, it's because it was designed for you to feel this pressure. You're probably dealing with a mother who left your father a long time ago and only has one source of income, which is her income. And you're helping her out. That's why she's depending on you. Because you're the last reliable man in her line of sight. She can't even see or find a guy that's making as much money as you. So you become naturally somebody that people depend on. Think about your brothers and sisters. If that same family, where you don't have a father around to help your mother, they're gonna depend on you, if not for money, for life advice, for direction. They don't have a man in their life. So this is where this comes from. And then you think about the workplace, you're naturally taking a 13-year-old with a mustache and a briefcase that's walking in the world like a little grown man. When you enter the workplace, you're taking that internship very seriously. You're taking that entry-level job very seriously because you're a reliable man. What the problem is, is you're going into the workplace because that's your natural default. The world has rewarded you for taking on the burden of responsibility. But what happens in the workplace is people realize, oh shit, look at Rich. This guy's willing to do everybody's work for one-eighth of the price. This guy is the original ChatGPT. He's down to do all the work for very little dollars. So we're gonna put more work on his shoulders and pay him a lot less. That is what this episode is really about. This is by design that you're feeling this feeling. This is not all theory. This is not coming out of nowhere. And I want to make it clear this is all fact-based, Rich.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

Yeah, by the way, I think you're 100% right. And I think that this ultimately happens because of labels, bro. Labels, labels, labels. Great point, yeah. You get given labels at work. You feel good about it. You get given labels at home.

SPEAKER_01 10:04

You got a little gold star on, yeah. Yeah, good job, Rich. I can depend on you. Gold star.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

Yeah, that's my VP. That's that's my reliable guy. And you're like, oh man, I like the recognition, right? At home. That's the man of the house, you know. If you don't got a pops around and it's just you and your mom, you're the man. You're the come on, man. Cover cover the cost, cover the groceries, help. We have to rent. Like you're the man of the house, right? You become these labels that other people have given you, right? And that's part of the tax. It's like the external world views you a certain way because you're this competent person. They then give you labels and boxes that you need to live within, right? And then you become that person. And sometimes there's a distinction between the labels that you've been given versus who you actually are, right? So I think it's important when you're navigating different scenarios, you know, the workplace, home, relationships with your girl, friendships with your friends, like that you really understand where you fit in these circles, right? And ultimately, what we're really trying to get across is like, don't let these people take advantage of you just because you are the competent guy.

SPEAKER_01 11:21

I love that you said that, Rich. I do want to zoom into something a little bit more specific, but I think it's exactly what you're saying. When you provide zero friction for solving everybody else's problems, what is the negative of doing that over and over when people come to you with a problem? If you don't provide any friction, any pushback, any respect for your own time, your own energy, your own money?

SPEAKER_00 11:46

You become the default guy. And what's crazy, like in the family dynamic, is like they won't go to your brother because he's not reliable. Yeah, they won't go to your uncle, your mom won't go to her brother, she'll go to you. Bro, everybody just everybody gets to coast, everybody gets to chill. No one gets additional chores or tasks or assignments because the competent guy is the guy we need to deliver on the mission, on the goal, you know?

SPEAKER_01 12:21

Yeah. The zero friction, reliable, competent man gets rewarded with more work. Eventually, you will experience burnout. And when you experience burnout and you're frustrated and you feel like you don't have enough time for yourself, and you got a nice little beer belly, and you haven't been to the gym because you've been running errands and tasks for everybody else, you have no one to blame but yourself. That's it. You don't have to run around holding everybody accountable because you know what? Everybody else's problems were solved by you. But you didn't solve your own problems. You didn't give yourself enough time back. You didn't protect your time. You are the zero friction, reliable man. And that is a problem. And if you feel good about that, there's nothing wrong with that. I think this can easily go into a negative episode, and we're not going to let it go there. We're just saying if you're feeling the tension of constantly donating your time to other people, then stay tuned. This episode is definitely for you.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

Yeah, listen, it's the cautionary tales that we're highlighting, just and part of what happens is when you're given these labels and you're the dependable guy and you're trustworthy, then you get all the burden of responsibility placed upon you, right? And then what happens with that responsibility is that that shit could just continue to pile on you to the point where you can't even manage it. Because it's like, yo, I never wanted all this responsibility you guys are giving me. I know in your eyes, I am the competent man, but like I didn't ask to be the designated driver, to be the guy who always gives money every time there's an emergency financial crisis, right? Like, at what point do you limit the burden of responsibility and every problem has to be solved by you, right? I think that's where as a young man you need to identify like, I need to find a way to set some boundaries, you know, with family, with friends, with coworkers, because I end up having to carry the burden of responsibility with everything. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:29

If you allow people to see you as Mr. Fix It and you get nothing out of the deal, just know that you will always get rewarded with more work. Rich, I was thinking about my first job as an executive assistant at a company I won't name, but I will name the executive because he taught me a very valuable lesson. And he's still very close to me. And he's known by many people in the circles of sales and marketing as an evil person. But I found my time with him to be some of the most like valuable time in my life because he taught me very valuable lessons. And he taught me this lesson that we're talking about here. I was a sales and marketing assistant, and he told me, hey, responsibility and being Mr. Fix It only comes with more work at a corporation that doesn't have enough competent people. It's very rare to find somebody who's young, underpaid, and willing to solve every problem that's in front of them and every problem that is not even theirs. And I remember one time we were working with PepsiCo. That was our client for the company I was working for. My boss's name is Moksha. Maksha would have me come in on Fridays during summer Fridays, and he would have me come in on Saturdays to help him. And I was too young and naive to realize that what I was doing was working for more than what I was getting paid. But I had no problem doing it. And honestly, right now at 40 years old, given my success as a professional, I probably do it again. But the lesson that he taught me was hey, the more you ask for, the more I'm going to give you because you're reliable, you're competent, you're somebody that I could give more work and you never complain. But don't complain about being burnt out when you were the one that signed up for more work. The last day that I was working with Moksha before I went over to a new department, this man had me working throughout the whole weekend. And I remember driving all the way to the PepsiCo headquarters, upstate New York, in my own car, paid for my own gas, paid for my own toll. And by the time I got there, it was like eight or nine o'clock. The office was closed. And I remember calling Moksha and being like, yo, it's Sunday. I paid for my own toll. I paid for my own gas. There's no one here at the office. I have all this stuff that you told me to drop off. Bro, please, man, do this for me. Like, you're taking advantage of me. And he delivered the valuable message that I'm sharing today. Competence will always be rewarded with more work. A responsible man will always be given more responsibilities. Do not complain for what you have offered. It is what it is. Bring those boxes back to our office in midtown Manhattan. Get on the bus, take your ass back to New Jersey, and clock in for work Monday morning at 8 a.m. because you have more work to do. The lesson was learned, Rich. If you want more, you're going to be given more. But don't complain when people give you more or when people don't give you a gold star. That is the option that you've given them. Why would you complain about it?

SPEAKER_00 17:39

Yeah, I mean, listen, that's tricky, just because like I don't think if your boss comes to you and says, hey man, I know you're a slam, but you're the only person that I trust with this. Like, do you mind building this presentation for me? Like, how do you say no, bro? You know what I'm saying? Like, sometimes you're put in situations where it's hard to say no, right? But I think as the young man, like you have to find a way to sort of like deprioritize things so that you can take on that new workload, right? One thing just that I've realized about all my time as a IT professional, cybersecurity professional, is I've never gotten paid more for more work than I've done. Never. I'll give you an example. I worked for a commercial lending bank for seven years. Fortunately, we got raises and bonuses every year, right? Like clockwork. Not nothing groundbreaking, but you know, enough that you felt if the bump felt good, right? Yeah, yeah. One year we do a merger and acquisition, bought like 30 more banks, almost doubled in size. So we're thinking, damn, end of the year bonus is gonna look crazy. We're supporting double the users, double the computers, laptops, endpoint servers, right? We're thinking, damn, we're gonna get treated nicely. You know what happened, Chus? Review period came, and we got the same exact raise and bonus that we did every year. Nothing changed. We got double the work and we got the same increased compensation for it. I would ask an individual to never default to think that because you are doing more work that you will be getting paid more. That is not how it works. In corporate America, they will try to get the most value out of every dollar that they possibly can. And everybody is replaceable, so it's something tricky to navigate, Jess. Like I feel like obviously being competent is super, super important. It's gonna take you far in life. I encourage everyone to reach a level of competency that everyone else can admire and and appreciate. But at the same time, if you're not seeing these little tips and tricks of things that are happening around you, you're just getting the brunt of all the extra work and you're doing the overtime hours and you're staying late and you're working on the weekends when you're not really supposed to. And at the end of the year, that raising bonuses some regular shit. Like, yeah, you might have to reevaluate your whole work situation.

SPEAKER_01 20:28

No, I've been there before. I've definitely been there before. And you know what's funny? I have to just like work, it works with family as well. Those two things go hand in hand. Don't leave out romantic relationships. Those three things are the holy trinity of people that will happily give you more responsibility, but never really tell you what's going to come out of it. And you know what? That's a give-to-take relationship. And most relationships are not give and take. They kind of have a natural, you know, benefit versus um giving um like equation. But if you want a simple rule of thumb when it comes to responsibility, ask yourself this very easy question. If I'm given more responsibility, am I getting more money? Do I get more authority? Do I have the ability to control the situation? If you don't get no more money, authority, or ability to control the situation, you were just given dead weight because now you have more responsibility with nothing extra. And that is a little trick that you could keep in your back pocket. So whenever you're given something more, you got to ask, hey, what's in it for me? When you ask that question, it usually takes the manipulator a minute to try to reshuffle their cards because they're thinking, damn, I used to just give them a good pat on the back and a gold star. And Rich used to always do what I asked him. But now that's not working. And he's asking for his exchange. He wants proper reimbursement for his time or his energy. So just be aware that. There's people that trust you, but there's also people that will manipulate you and take advantage of that ability to absorb more responsibility. So make sure you're always paying attention for those two things. It's hard to give actionable advice on this particular episode, but I feel like that's something that you could always be on the lookout for.

SPEAKER_00 22:18

Yeah, it it is hard, just because I feel like, like we said, being competent is extremely important and it is a superpower. And we're almost asking you to view the world in an evil way, like everyone has a hidden agenda. But shit, sometimes it does feel like that, right? Like if you think about being the reliable guy, people start to have the entitlement of expecting you to do everything, right? So now you've given someone unlimited, unfiltered access to you and your time and your life, right? Because they go to you for everything. You're reliable. And then they have the entitlement of like, every time I give Johnny a task, he always gets it done. But then you know what happens, Jess? You look like the crazy person the first time you say no. The first time you say I can't do it. Oh, I really can't stay after work this week. Oh, I actually have other plans, right? Like now you become a person that's like, oh, the expectations of you, that label that they have placed upon you.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

Like, wait, stay right there, Rich. Why do you think the young man listening to this episode, or why would a younger Rich feel guilty when they put their foot down on someone that wants to reward them with more work, more responsibility, more accountability?

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Because I think naturally you want to be a good person. You want to be received by others as uh a reliable person, right? Like someone who's trustworthy. I feel like if you're a solid dude, bro, like you want to be seen by your manager, you know, your girlfriend, your parents as like a solid person, someone who's reliable, dependable, and that you can count on. And you start to feel like you might not be that person once you start to say no. Oh, he's changed. He used to do this all the time. He's done, he's done this 20 times. He's taken grandma to the airport 20 times. He actually said no, this trip. The audacity, right? The outrage. But for you, it's like, whoa, hold on. I've done this shit 20 times. I'm putting my foot down one time, and now y'all getting them at me like I'm not a good person anymore. Yep. Well, I'm not reliable anymore. Like that, that's the fucking nuance, bro. And in the 20 times that you took Graham out of the airport, you didn't realize that. Oh, I am becoming this person now. This is my chore for the rest of my fucking life.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

Rich, and no one's putting in gas money, no one is taking the ride back with you. No one is calling you to see if you got there on time, if you're good, if you need anything. No one's cooking for you when you get back and you did that favor. But we've had other episodes like this. That's give to get, right? You're giving to get. You signed up for it.

SPEAKER_00 25:17

Yeah, but I want to be clear, Jess. Your parents are not the villain there. Grandma's not the grandma's just trying to get home. Like, she's not the villain there. Like, yeah, she's trying to get back to DR. She's trying to get back to Puerto Rico. Yeah. Yeah, bro. Like the issue is you and you not having the ability to set boundaries early on. It's a great point, Rich.

SPEAKER_01 25:37

I think more than that, Rich, that's such a good point because it's on you, but it's on you to ask yourself, why do I keep signing up for this? Why do I keep offering my time? Why don't I ever say no? Every time the responsible man says, I got it, he's allowed someone else not to do the job. That is a problem that you have to solve now because you jumped out and said, no, no, I got it. Now you've allowed other people to not have to take care of their responsibilities. Remind yourself, every time you say, I got it, you've now let someone else off the hook. So I like that you've reframed that, Rich. We're not a platform that's gonna allow young men to just float off and blame the world for the lack of free time they have, the amount of stress they have, the amount of burdens in their lives that they have, and they can't go and take care of their health. These are the things that you know you need, but you have to free up your time by fighting for your time. And how do you do that? Is by stop claiming shit that no one asked you to do. You have an issue that is tied to your ego. You see yourself as a person that is Mr. Fix It. You've given yourself that brand, you've given yourself that identity. Now, when no one jumps in to save it, you feel like you're the one that has to do it. But whose fault is that really? I think that's what you're trying to say, Rich. You always say this do a self-snapshot. Understand that a lot of the responsibilities you have, maybe you're the reason why you have them.

SPEAKER_00 27:12

Yeah, you helped create this monster, and we're gonna help you destroy it. Yeah. How does one do that? I mean, listen, I feel like you feel like you need to be indispensable. And this goes back to an earlier topic that we spoke about in another episode where you start to feel like being needed is also like being loved, and you're only loved under the condition that you're needed, right? And I feel like that causes you to volunteer immediately, right? Like, oh, other people don't do this correctly, so I'm gonna take initiative and I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna fix it, right? Like, but that's gotta be ego. That's gotta be ego. It's bro, it's it's your ego, and like I said, it's you wanting to do things because you feel like the more resourceful you are, the more loved you are by the family, the more praised you are, the more put on a pedestal you are. Praise, right? It's really good. So I feel like you you need to disassociate these two things, right? Like being needed and being loved are not the same thing. Being needed is someone who can solve problems and is resourceful. Being loved is someone who's being cherished for who they are, for being themselves, right? But you don't have to do said actions in order to be loved and cherished, right? I think that's the disconnect where some of these young guys feel like, man, I need to do these things because if not, I don't feel loved. I don't feel cherished, I don't feel praised by my family, by my coworkers, by my manager, by my girlfriend, right? And I feel like that's something that you have to work within yourself to reframe.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

Do you have resentment towards people when you do things for them? If that's you, you have to ask yourself a question. Am I Mr. Fixit because I want validation? Am I Mr. Dependable because I like that people see me as someone that they can always call for help? Well, if you're Mr. Fix It and your life is broken, you're not Mr. Fix It. You're fixing shit because you like the validation. If you're Mr. Dependable, but you can't depend on yourself to save money for yourself, to save time for yourself, and to carve out some mornings or some afternoons for you to go to the gym and take care of your health, you're being dependable for other people, not yourself. I think everything starts with you. If you can't do for yourself, it's damn near impossible to do for others. And if you do for others, do not carry resentment because the resentment is not towards them, it's towards yourself. That is what we're trying to figure out here is that you can easily point at other people and say, it's my boss's fault. It's my girl's fault. It's my brother's fault. It's not. Everything starts with you. You have to draw the line.

SPEAKER_00 30:05

Yeah. And listen, I just want to reiterate because there's nothing wrong with a competent man, right? Like you have responsibilities, right? And I don't want the guy to go to the extreme and like have a sick kid or have a mother who's sick and be like, nah, man, I always go take care of her every time she's sick. Cause like my brothers ain't shit, right? That's not what we're saying, right? Like, you have responsibilities as a young man. Like, we we expect you to fulfill those responsibilities. We're simply highlighting that when you're the competent man, sometimes the burden of responsibility ends up being too much to the point where your plate overfills, and then you get stressed and burdened by being the problem solver for everyone in your family, in the workplace, or in your friend group. And that's what we're saying. Is just have the ability and the self-awareness as a competent man to realize like, wait a minute, am I being taken advantage of here? Like, how many times has this person asked me for money? How many times have I organized the friend group vacations? I think everyone thinks that I'm I am these things. Yes, right? Yes. The labels, the labels that everyone gives you, right? Like, have the self-awareness to understand. Oh, I see what's happening here. My manager just gave me a label. I am this guy now. My mom just gave me the label of designated driver. I am this guy now. My girlfriend thinks that I need to take her to Pilates every weekend. Like, I am this guy now. Damn. I hate that guy.

SPEAKER_01 31:52

No, listen, Rich. Actually, you reminded me of um a guy that we both know, and I hope he sees this because I love him to death. Childhood friend grew up with him in high school. His name is Flacco. Flacco dated a girl in high school that I think they broke up from junior year to senior year 38 times. In a 52-week year, they probably broke up 38 times. Just regular high school shit. And I remember Flacco used to give me a ride to work all the time because my Camry was always fucked up. When Flacco would give me a ride to work, he would have to drop me off after work. And when he would drop me off, Rich, you already know. If you're a good friend to one of the homies, sometimes you got to talk them through some relationship problems. Sometimes you got to give them a little bit of advice. Shit, what else can a good friend do other than give their best friend some life advice? Not to mention the guy was dropping me off. But what I quickly learned is I could have saved about $15 to $20 of my time. Because if I would have taken a cab back then that I have Ubers, if I would have just taken a cab to work and back, it probably would have cost me $30, but I would have gotten four hours of my life back. Because every time I would talk to him, it would be about the same exact issue. And at the end of it, I would always tell him, Flacco, I think you're gonna be with this girl. You seem to love her a lot, and she seems to love you a lot. But every time I give you advice, you never take it. And we keep having the same conversation. At some point, I started feeling like he wasn't even listening to me. He was just speaking to speak and he was venting to vent. Shit, if it would have just been a car seat and a seatbelt clipped with no human in the seat, I feel like he still would have spoken to that car seat for two hours. So be clear when someone is taking your time and your energy and your advice for granted, and they're not actually taking any action on the feedback you're giving them, you have to understand that this person just wants to vent. They don't really give a fuck about what you're telling them. And you have to draw a line somewhere and let them know, hey man, I've already given you this advice. This is the second time I'm gonna give it to you. After this, we really have not a lot to talk about. And I do think this type of nuanced situation falls right into this episode, Rich, because you're someone that your friend sees as someone that they can go to because they respect you. They think you're a smart person, they want to get your feedback. But at what point is it too much?

SPEAKER_00 34:21

100%, Jess. You know what's a way that you can identify if you're paying the tax of competence? Start to self-evaluate like all these different scenarios and the workplace, home, parents, girlfriend. And when a problem arises, and you know that typically you've helped solve that problem before, say you can't do it. Remove yourself from that said problem just that one time and see what happens. See how the tribe tries to solve for that problem. If the problem doesn't get solved, then you know you are the guy that's paying the tax because you are the only person that can solve that problem. I love that. Yeah, bro. Listen, I remember this story that I saw in Club Shay Shay with Iman Schumper, and he was basically saying that he just signed his basketball contract. They went out to go celebrate at a club, and he was there with Carmelo Anthony and a lot of his other teammates, and you know, they're ordering bottle service and food and everything, and the bill was like 7,500. And Carmelo Anthony just left. Like he didn't say anything, he just dabbed them up. And Iman, I think, assumed that Carmelo was gonna take the bill. Like he didn't really know who was gonna take the bill, right? But I think he assumed that Carmelo being the seasoned veteran and you know, had all this money that he was just gonna take over the bill. Long story short, doesn't take over the bill. He ends up having to pay for the bill in its entirety. Then a couple days after, in practice, he was like, hey man, how was um how was that bill? He was like, Man, that shit killed me when I saw the the bill and then handed him 10,000 that same day. He was like, Listen, I was gonna cover the bill the whole time, but I let you feel the suffering of what it feels like to cover that bill whenever you invite this many people out. He was like, You just got in the game, my man. Like, don't do that. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 36:21

Right. I love that story. So I I've been a Knicks fan my whole life, never heard that story.

SPEAKER_00 36:27

Yeah, but I feel like that's such a great example, and it applies to this episode. This is why I say remove yourself from being the problem solver and see what happens. In that scenario, Iman had to pay the bill, even if he didn't have any, even if that was the last $7,500 he had in his account. But the lesson there was like, hey, you just got into the game, my man. Like, you can't be taking out 15, 20 people out for drinks and food.

SPEAKER_01 36:53

That is amazing advice. I feel like every story that I thought of when we were going through the pre-show prep that reminded me, like, oh, I remember there was a time where I personally wasn't good at pushing back. I wasn't good at fighting for my time, for my my own money. I just assumed the more I helped, the more I would be loved. The more I helped, the more people would see me as someone that was, like you said, a productive member of the tribe. But that's amazing, actionable advice. Remove yourself just one time, see what happens.

SPEAKER_00 37:26

Yeah, me too. Like exactly how you've always felt, Joss, I've felt the exact same way. And I feel like now that we're in our late 30s, early 40s, and we have the advantage of having hindsight and looking back, you start to realize, like, man, there was a lot of scenarios where I shouldn't have given so much of myself, so much of my time, so much of my energy to a lot of different things that now looking back on it, I thought I was being responsible, competent, reliable, trustworthy person, but really I was just being taken advantage of. And that's the cautionary tale that we're highlighting is like don't allow yourself to get taken advantage of.

SPEAKER_01 38:06

If you feel like people take advantage of you and you feel like your kindness is taken for weakness, and if you also feel like people don't respect your time, here is something very simple that you can do. It's a 2x rule. You have two times to do the same thing to me before I remove myself from the process. Here's how the 2x rule works: Step one, someone wastes your time. Someone takes your kindness for weakness, someone asks you to do a favor for them, and they don't change or do anything to make sure the favor you do for them is permanent. What you tell them is, hey, I've done this for you before. I just want to let you know that this is the last time I'm going to do it because it seems like every time I do you this favor, nothing ever changes. Step two is the next time they do it, you go back to the first time you told them, hey, I know I told you this already, but I'm gonna bring it up again and I'm gonna do it again. But this is most certainly the last time I ever do it because I don't enjoy repeating myself. There you go. That's the 2x rule. Every time somebody takes your kindness for weakness or just uses your time for their time, make sure you fire off a warning shot. Step one. Second time is you remind them about the warning shot, which is really a courtesy. And step three is just ghost them. Get the fuck out of their life. Obviously, these people don't take you serious or they don't take your time or your energy serious. This is how you slowly move yourself away from people who take you for granted. And I like what you just said as well, Rich. Remove yourself. See if the village can solve the problem without you. And if they can, great. Seems like they found a solution, and you're not actually the fucking hero to their problem. And if they can't solve it, find you a fucking intern in the family, train them on how to solve it, and make sure they solve it. And now you're the VP of taking care of mom's income taxes.

SPEAKER_00 40:09

Listen, bro, I would ask yourself this in any scenario. Whenever anyone gives you a task, is this my responsibility? Ask yourself that question. Great question.

SPEAKER_01 40:20

Is this really you're gonna say really? Is this really my responsibility?

SPEAKER_00 40:25

Yeah, yeah. I call these motherfuckers messed their hand it off. Like they get delegated something and they want to hand it off to someone else, right? Pause for a second and ask yourself is this really my responsibility? What would happen if I don't do it? Or if I can't do it? Is there someone else that can handle this? Right? Like just simply ask yourself these things because I feel like once you have that understanding, then you're like, oh wait, actually, so and so in this department is more suited for this task. Go give it to them. You know what I mean? No, you're right.

SPEAKER_01 41:03

Because sometimes if you don't do it, the responsibility, metaphorically, is like a conveyor belt. If no one grabs it before it gets off the conveyor belt, it just hits the ground. If that responsibility is a glass cup and it falls off the conveyor belt and you are the person that is not really responsible for it, and it eventually just falls and shatters. You know what happens, Rich? I've been there before. They're going to come to you and you finally get an opportunity to speak to the head of your department or the CEO and say, Well, listen, I'm glad you came to me because that was never my responsibility. You should find someone to do that so that doesn't happen again. All you do is become air traffic control instead of the person that was doing somebody else's job. That struck a nerve right there. I'm glad you said that advice. That's great advice. Hey, being responsible and competent is also being responsibly competent enough to know what the fuck is not your job. So put your hands back. Actually, tie your hands behind your back and let it just fall. And after it falls, you're gonna get a good invitation to speak to the head of the department that was taking advantage of you being Mr. Fix It.

SPEAKER_00 42:11

Yeah. Just you ever been on an email thread with like 20 people and you kind of feel the need to reply because you semi-know the answer, but you know if you reply, you become the owner of that task. Rich, I am a project manager.

SPEAKER_01 42:26

I am a project manager. That is my job.

SPEAKER_00 42:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:30

God bless Outlook for allowing you to at people now. You can at. You can at people before that wasn't possible.

SPEAKER_00 42:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:38

You just had to assume people knew it was their job. Which motherfuckers conveniently feel like it's not their job because you didn't at them.

SPEAKER_00 42:47

Yeah. Read by many, replied by none, right?

SPEAKER_01 42:51

That's great. Did you make that up?

SPEAKER_00 42:55

Yeah, I was awful.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

That's really good. Yeah, you gotta figure out a way to say that. Read by many, replied by none. No, executed by none. It's execution. That's what it really is. Yeah, I mean, I I don't want to say any more father stories, but my father was notorious for not being very tech savvy when I was younger. And he put zero effort into it. Basically, me and my brother wore his genius bar. We used to just fix everything that was online or internet related in our house. And I remember him not figuring out how unemployment went from paper to a laptop. And I remember he used to always call me every two weeks to process his unemployment paperwork. And it couldn't have been the most idiotic thing for me to do with my time and energy because it's the same process every week. You click the link, you fill out the five questions, you put in your banking information, you hit submit, your money appears two weeks later. During the pandemic, my father Couldn't go to the physical unemployment office. So I became essentially his assistant. Meanwhile, I'm releasing some of the biggest projects in the world on the music side. I'm literally releasing some of the biggest records in the world, but half of my day was carved out to being his tech assistant. That I got him a laptop. I showed him how to get on a web browser. I showed him how to create a Gmail. This was a lot of time and energy I was putting into this. And I remember at some point he disrespected me. He spoke crazy to me while I was on a work call. He said I was more important and busy than Barack Obama. I didn't have any time for him. This is kind of fucked up, but I did take a page of my corporate workbook and I was like, you know what? The best thing I can do is I can put a middle manager in on this project. So my niece was complaining to me that she barely spends any time with her grandfather, my father. And I kept thinking to myself, this is a great opportunity to solve two problems at one. I was like, you know, if you want to see grandpa, you should help him with his unemployment because you'll get to speak to him, be around him, and then you get to solve his problems for him. So this is me taking the pain that I was going through and creating a solution. So it worked out. I got my niece to do his unemployment, and I got my father to see his granddaughter all in one swoop during the pandemic. But needless to say, my father was not affected by the fact that I was taken out of the process. He just needed somebody to solve his problem. He didn't care who did it. And it didn't have to be me. And my word to the young man listening to this is it doesn't have to be you. Find someone to fix the problem. You don't always have to fix the problem.

SPEAKER_00 45:41

I think that's great advice. And ultimately, like we said, bro, when you do the self-snapshot and you realize like, audit who has access to your reliability at the end of the day, right? Like family, friends, coworkers, girlfriend, like not everything, like you said, just has to be done by you. If you can delegate, delegate where you can, but understand that the question you should be asking is not whether you can handle it, but start asking whether it deserves to be yours at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_01 46:12

Yeah. Yeah, I love that. When you say that, I think, damn, Rich has two kids. He got a younger kid and he got a teenager. Who's to say that, I don't know, a good friend of yours that has a, I don't know, a crisis in their life. If you dedicate two hours to solving your good friend's crisis, aren't you taking away two hours from potentially a conversation with your son, a conversation with your wife about your daughter? It's really an audit on something that's finite, which is 24 hours in a day. You have to sleep. So there goes six to eight. All you really got is 14 to 16 hours available per day for the people that you need to be available for. So if you're solving everybody else's problems and they're not giving you a return on your time or your energy, that time could be going to real shit. Like your health, like your savings, like your daughter, like your son, like your girlfriend, things that are important and will feed you for the next 10 to 20 years. That is what we're talking about. And I don't want to make this feel hyperbolic, like it's extreme, but the way you're not enriched, it doesn't, I'm sure it doesn't seem extreme to you. You'd rather give two hours to your daughter than you would a friend that allegedly needs you.

SPEAKER_00 47:29

No, bro. I love that point that you're making. It's the opportunity cost of like the things you're sacrificing in your own life for yourself because you're solving the problem of others. And listen, being the reliable person is fantastic. It's wonderful, bro. It's beautiful that your family views you this way and that you have the competence to solve all these problems for everyone else. But when you don't have the ability to say no, when everything gets your yes, what'd you say before, Jess?

SPEAKER_01 48:05

When everybody gets a yes, nobody gets your best.

SPEAKER_00 48:07

Yeah. And just like the the warning sign here, bro, and it this sounds crazy to even like say out loud, but think about the people you're helping. Like you're rescuing adults, people that are very capable in doing things for themselves. Yeah, bro. Just I want to end on these two lines, if you agree. But one of them is you should pay the tax of competence. That's part of becoming valuable. Becoming a man people can count on without becoming a man everyone feels entitled to.

SPEAKER_01 48:44

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you don't got to convince me. I'm worried about convincing the young man out there that feels like they have to do these things.

SPEAKER_00 48:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:52

I feel bad for that person because when you're young, you think you're helping. But as you get older, you realize you've donated your time to a cause that you're not going to get back. You're not getting no return on that investment. I hope the gold star that they give you is big enough and bright enough and sticky enough for you to put on every shirt that you wear because sometimes all you get is a gold star. Sometimes people take you for granted for so long that they stop saying thank you. That is when you know you're in crisis mode. You've become Mr. Fixit, Mr. Responsible for other people. Yet your life is falling apart. And Rich and I would hate to see young men let their lives fall apart for trying to help other people when they should be helping themselves. The airplane analogy has been overused, but there's a reason why they say put your mask on first because you can't help nobody else if you're not breathing. You should get your situation sorted first before you try to help everyone else.

SPEAKER_00 49:57

Yeah. This is why we decided to make this episode, right? Is because we're reflecting on the young 20-year-old Rich and Justin. And we're like, damn, there were all these things that we allowed to slide, and we thought we were being helpful, but really they were taking up our time that we could have been putting towards something that we actually gave a fuck about, or putting it back into ourselves to self-improve, right? But to your point earlier, like that is the opportunity cost that you have to suffer through when you prioritize the problems of others instead of working on yourself. There you have it. There you have it, man. Failures podcast. If you like what you heard, man, share it with a friend, subscribe to the YouTube. Um, send us an email, man. Hit us up on social media. Justin and I always want to hear from our community. Um, and if you have any topics that you guys want us to touch on, definitely hit us in the comments. Peace.