SPEAKER_00 0:02

I'd put them in two buckets, Josh. These are the characteristics of who I am as a person. And this is the bucket of things I've inherited from my past. Inherited from my parents. Inherited from my environment and my upbringing and my circumstances. But that bucket of things you inherited is not you. Be somebody who wants to break the generational curse. It's called a curse for a reason. Break that motherfucker.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

Today we're talking about becoming the man you swore you'd never be. We've all been there before. If you're grown, you've probably said something that when you heard yourself say it, you thought to yourself silently, damn, I'm becoming my mom. Damn, my dad used to always do that. Now, when you say something that reminds you of that, that's something called inherited negative emotional patterns. That's a clinical term. We're not a clinical show. What that really means is damn, I'm turning into my parents. I've inherited a lot of their negative patterns because these are the people who raised me. But have you ever caught yourself mid-fight with someone you love or with a coworker or something that was high stakes and thought to yourself, damn, I shouldn't have done that. That's a negative trait that I've learned and I have to unlearn it. That's something my mom and dad used to do, and I swore I'd never do it again. When you grow up, it gets hard because you're trying to unlearn patterns while you're adulting. And it's never that easy. But that's what this episode is about today. Becoming the man you swore you'd never be. But here's the real question when you zoom all the way into it, you have to ask yourself why? Why is this pattern that I've developed unexamined? And why is it non-productive? Rich, what's the first time you caught yourself doing something and thought to yourself, damn, I shouldn't have done that. And I know where I got that bad habit from.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

Yeah, it just this is a deep cut, bro. I vividly remember my son being like five or six years old and me spanking him for the first time. Wow. And bro, seeing the fear in his eyes just tore me apart, bro. I'm like, oh my God. Like, it shook me to my core because I'm like, damn, this is something I swore I would never do with my children. I swore I would never spank my children because I got spanked a whole lot growing up. And I caught myself being like the people who raised me. And that was a one moment in my life where I had to stop myself and I'm like, reevaluate, you know, how to do this fatherhood thing.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

Yeah. I mean, listen, we're only little monkeys that learn from the monkeys who've raised us. We truly are primal animals. We only learn what we're exposed to, especially if you grew up in a generation that didn't have all this access to information, technology, TikToks. And that is probably helping people become better people earlier. But if you really think about it, Rich, I wanted to speak to something that you had mentioned earlier on the pre-show meeting. It's important that the person listening to this is a young man that's thinking to himself, yeah, I fall short in life. I have anger issues, I don't have good dieting habits because insert excuse. And I think for the intro, we're giving them an early excuse, which is, I'm just gonna blame my parents. And you had mentioned earlier, and I think we should unpack, why is it important that we do not make the parents the villain of this episode? Because you could easily say it was how you were raised. That's why you disciplined your son the way you did. But there has to be an adjustment there, and there has to be a reason why you can't just always point back at your parents as the reason why you have these traits that you don't like.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

That's a great call out. I mean, listen, you have to have the autonomy to like want to be the person who you want to become, right? Like you get to choose the path that you go down and in life, right? And to always revert back and to be like, nah, I'm I'm an angry person because my parents didn't give me the best upbringing, right? Like that it's a cop-out, right? It's like you get to choose to break that cycle for yourself. And just for me personally, like I remember always thinking to myself, like, man, I don't have a father. I don't know how to necessarily become a man, right? I don't know the fundamental principles of manhood. And bro, this is gonna sound pathetic, but do you know how I learned how to become a man or what I thought the male father figure should be was through sitcoms. Literally watching Uncle Phil on Fresh Prince of Balier. No way, bro. Bro, I swear to God. In my eyes, in my mind, I thought that is what a father figure should be like. Think about it. What was my point of reference? My father left when I was two, so I had no male role model figure to use as a point of reference to be like, oh, I think that's how a father should be.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

So young Rich is sitting on the couch watching Fresh Prince of Bel Air, no actual male role model in his life, and you're legitimately looking at Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince of Bel Air, thinking, oh, that's probably what a father is, because I don't have one. And by the way, that wasn't even uh Will Smith's real father in the show.

SPEAKER_00 5:44

Not only him, just fucking Carl Winslow from Family Matters, right? Like John Marshall Jones, the dad from Smart Guy, like all these dudes that I used to see in sitcoms growing up. Like, I just thought, because if you remember, back in the day, every sitcom had like a teachable moment. And the child was always going through something. The dad would always come in, tell him it's all right, son, give him a little, a little piece of information, a teachable moment. And I'm like, oh man, I think that's how dads are supposed to be, right? So, bro, I collected all these little bits and pieces from like talk shows growing up, and this is part of the information that I've gathered to use into like adulthood, fatherhood, and manhood.

SPEAKER_01 6:26

Yeah. I mean, watching a TV show is different than maybe somebody who's watching this show or listening to this episode of Failures Podcasts. And I think that's the road we want to send the young man down. Hey, we hear you. You've developed something that came from your upbringing. You've developed something. Maybe you're a porcupine and you grew up in an environment where you wanted to be friendly, but you needed to defend yourself. I have said on record on this podcast, I believe the episode is broken over achievers. And I said, I made my youth identity, my cultural identity, my own jail as I got older. Why did I say that on this podcast? Because what I was trying to admit was being small and undersized and being aggressive, I carried that into my professional world. Being somebody that never really grew up with money, not a lot of options when it came to finances, made me somebody that made me very paranoid about money, made me an over saver, made me someone that never really enjoyed spending my money happily without thinking I'm gonna be fearful of growing broke again. And I think this episode falls into that same category, Rich, of the broken overachiever, somebody that wants to aspire to be better, but you identifying yourself from your past has made your current day a jail because you only live in your past. And the same could be said about the young man listening to this episode thinking, man, I have terrible habits. I have terrible traits, things that I don't like about myself, but I can't stop myself from doing them because of insert my past. Rich, we are trying to help that young man examine his past so he can move forward. What is it about this show topic that was probably most exciting to you to get ahead of? Because I'm sure you can relate to it from your own life.

SPEAKER_00 8:19

Naturally, as you grow older, you have the hindsight of looking back and seeing how your parents raised you and what circumstances they were under. And I think you have to really give them grace and just understand like, damn, they did the best they could during that time. I think knowing certainly what to adopt and not adopt about your upbringing and the quality traits that your parents have is ideal. You know what I'm saying? Obviously, you want to extract the most valuable, precious, good qualities of your parents. But listen, that's not always the case. Sometimes, if your mom and dad were usually angry people, chances are you're probably going to be an angry person yourself. You know, especially if you if you adopt the nuances of like what they get angry about. Like, oh, nobody's sweeping them up. And so every time nobody sweeps them mops around your house, like if your lady doesn't do that, like it just triggers some past. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

That's a great point. Now you're right.

SPEAKER_00 9:17

Yeah, you start to be like, damn, nobody sweeped them up. Like, what the fuck? The floor's dirty, you know, and you start walling out on your significant other, right? But that was part of your pre-programming from how you grew up.

SPEAKER_01 9:28

There is a funny ass stand-up bit from Bill Burr, and it's about how a dog for a drunk and alone man just basically develops the same habits and reactions to things as the man because he only looks as his owner, as this person that feeds him, loves him, cares for him. So if the man is drunk and alone watching the Philadelphia Eagles football game, and every time they don't do well, he yells, curses, he's cursing at the TV. That dog is learning from the owner that when it's feeling pressure to curse, be angry, bark, lash out. And I thought of that when you just said it, Rich, because a lot of these non-desirable traits that are inherited from young men who come from a broken home or from a non-stable parent, or just a parent that's going through a lot and hasn't had the opportunity to read books on how to self-improve and they're just living their lives under extreme circumstances. The mother of the father is the alcoholic man that's yelling at the TV, yelling at the doorbell, always angry. And the person that inherits these traits involuntarily is the dog that's just barking at anything. Now the dog becomes vicious because the owner is vicious. And what you just said, I don't know why, it made me think of that stand-up bit, because it relates. You are developing traits that are learned, but the goal of this episode is how do I unlearn this? Because I can already tell this is not productive. These traits are not productive. They're holding me back. These are skills that used to be survival skills, but now they've turned into adult liabilities. Have you ever experienced this, Rich? What would be some practical advice that we could give this guy that could turn a survival skill into an adult liability?

SPEAKER_00 11:26

Listen, sometimes you don't realize that you are inheriting some of these bad traits, right? Like I think that's the distinction, right? Like you navigate, you're you're your own person, you're your own man, but every now and then you find yourself getting angry or you find yourself binging alcohol or smoking cigarettes, and you want to blame your upbringing. And this is what I saw growing up, so this is why I do what I do, right? You try to justify it. But I think certainly you have to have the ability to reevaluate those things, right? Like I'd put them in two buckets, just these are the characteristics of who I am as a person, and this is the bucket of things I've inherited from my past, inherited from my parents, inherited from my environment and my upbringing and my circumstances, right? But that bucket of things you inherited is not you. Sure, they could be creep of those characteristics into your current life, but those are not who you are. And I think understanding that distinction is like step number one, bro, for trying to solve for this ultimately.

SPEAKER_01 12:33

Yeah, Rich, if you're a young man that sees their past life as a hurdle, a wall to getting to their future better self, then you have to simply tell yourself awareness isn't the same as changing a behavior. Being aware of something doesn't mean that you've actually made change. They say if you're gonna learn something and you want to truly understand whether or not you learn something new, it's not about the information retained or awareness. It's about a change in your behavior. Now, that change in behavior is what we're talking about today. Okay, the introduction of the show, we addressed the elephant in the room. You didn't have the best upbringing, you learned some bad traits from immigrant parents, parents who didn't have a lot of resources, maybe you only had one parent. That's okay, man. We forgive you. Forgive your parents, forgive your situation. Now we take the step forward into changing the behavior that's gonna make your future life better. Rich, I have a story about how disconnecting from the world always became my mechanism for surviving the chaos that was the world when I was younger. And I think about the way I disconnect from the world now, whenever I get frustrated and I never address my issues head on. And that is just a representation of how I used to be when I was younger. I grew up with an older brother, a stepsister, and a lot of my cousins live together in the same small ass two-bedroom apartment. And whenever I would feel trauma, whenever I would feel anger, whenever I would feel frustration, whenever there would be physical abuse in my home or my mom crying, or people upset, or this cousin got in trouble, I would just take my headphones, put them over my ears, turn some music on, and ignore the world and imagine that things were gonna get better. I had no control over my life when I was younger. But as I got older, I've developed more control over my life. But even at 40, Rich, I'm no better than anyone else. I'm no better than the younger version of myself. Sometimes when I experience situations where I get angry and I feel like I don't have control over the moment, I disconnect and I go back to my 12-year-old self. Why do I do that? I have more control now than ever. And the point is, you haven't learned anything if you haven't changed anything. So awareness does not mean change. Change means change. And I had to learn in my 40s, damn, I have to make these edits to my life actively if I want to be somebody that's truly learning from my past that I'm not proud of. Rich, was there ever a time in your life where you felt like, damn, I'm taking a step backwards when I know better? I should be breaking this generational curse. I should not be doing these things that have held me back in the past and I should be a better person. Have you ever experienced anything like that?

SPEAKER_00 15:37

Yeah, absolutely. Just, you know, I could recall that I got into an argument with my girlfriend, you know, a couple months ago. And bro, I got up and I left the house. I just drove off. I had no destination, nowhere to go, but I drove off. And as I'm driving, I started to reflect on my upbringing and my father being absent. And I started to think to myself, damn, this is probably something my father did to my mother 30 years ago. He left the house, he abandoned the family, he jumped ship, right? And bro, that moment tore me apart. So I quickly drove back around, came back home, you know, and started talking to my lady and addressing the issues. But I think to your point, that's step number one. You have to acknowledge that you're doing things that come from your past, right? Come from your childhood, come from your upbringing. And then step two, you have to take action, right? Once I realized that I was repeating a toxic, vicious cycle of leaving the house, I quickly caught myself and returned back home. So you have to have the ability to course correct when you're catching yourself in that past childhood loop.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

Damn, I can relate to that story that you just shared, but what I can't relate to is how quickly you picked up on this learned trait that might be genetic or it might have just been something you experienced as a kid, which was like, man, if I'm running away from my family and I can't address a small argument. And by the way, all relationships come with a little bit of friction. Sure. Even our relationship comes with friction. But if it's worth getting through, then there might be some points of contention where two people want to see an eye to eye. But I want to unpack. So you get into an argument, you don't want to argue with her. Is that why you left? Or you were just pissed off and you just like fuck it, I'm out of here.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

Yeah, I was just angry. I didn't want to address it.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

And who's at home, right? Like, I didn't even think of that. You got your kids at home, your son is probably there. Yeah. So you're like, I'm running away from my family.

SPEAKER_00 17:30

That's what I caught myself thinking, right? And I think the specific distinction of what made me feel even worse was that, damn, I've never done this before. This is the first time I've ever gotten up after an argument and left the house, right? And I think that's such an important detail, right? Because if you catch yourself doing things for the first time, you should ask yourself, like, is this me doing it? Or is this innately something I inherited from my past that's kind of like taking over, right? Fortunately, I caught myself in that moment and I'm like, nah, this is not me, bro. Like, this is definitely something that I've seen in my upbringing or seen in my past. And, you know, and I got up so angrily to the point where I feel felt like I had to leave the house. But like I said, fortunately, of course, corrected.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

Yeah, Rich, this episode is dedicated to the young guy that feels like he's trying to evolve, move forward, be a better person. But if you're a young man that struggles with who you used to be and who you want to be, that thin line that's stopping you from being a better person tomorrow or today is anger. It's anger. But anger is just nothing but a shield. A shield that is protecting you from all the insecurities of the younger youth. How do I know? Because that's definitely me. I use anger as a mechanism to push the world back whenever I'm scared of reliving a certain version of my life that I told myself I would never, ever, ever be treated that way. I would never, ever, ever be broke. I would never ever ever ever ever ever be that down bad. But an unevolved version of me is a person that fights back with anger. And the security guard of anger is disappointment. When you're disappointed in yourself, sometimes we fight back with anger. When you're embarrassed with something you did that you're not proud of, you choose anger as a mechanism to separate yourself from someone when you're embarrassed. Fear, rejection, humiliation, all protected by anger. And when I learned that I use anger as a security guard, so I don't have to address those layers of human emotions, I made some progress because I realized, oh, I'm using anger as a way to keep people away from me when I really, really should be thinking about what is it that's making me angry, what's making me frustrated, what's making me want to disconnect. And you really got to go through those four layers, Rich disappointment, embarrassment, fear, rejection. Go through those things and understand why. When we started the show, we started by saying sometimes you have to ask yourself why. Maybe your parents didn't have the time to ask themselves, why am I so annoyed by everything? Why am I so frustrated with everything? Why am I so resentful? Why am I jealous of my neighbors? We have the luxury to have all this information and we should ask ourselves, why? Why do I feel this way? Why do I get like that when this thing happens? I've tried it a few times, Rich. It's a very cathartic and like painful process, but once you do it, you're able to recognize, oh, that's why I get mad every time something like that happens. And it gives you that five-second grace period to stop yourself from reacting with anger and be like, oh, no, no, no, this is a trigger. I gotta chill out. I'm not gonna be angry. You'll still be tight, but you won't be angry.

SPEAKER_00 20:57

Yeah, you certainly have to identify your triggers. And man, just I've never been angry at something, and the outcome of that anger has resulted in something positive. Never, not once. Me being angry at something has always resulted in something negative, right? So the relationship I have with anger is sort of a unique one, and I view it as like a control dynamic, right? So whenever I allow myself to get angry about something or someone, for that split second, I've allowed this thing or this person to absolutely control and dictate my emotions. And once I remind myself of that, I'm like, oh no, no, no, no. I'm in control here, right? So give me a couple seconds to breathe and recalibrate my brain and my emotions so that I can come back to this conversation or the situation, the actual me, which is poised, calm, controlled, and not in this like angry state where. The results are not going to be something that's favorable to solve the situation.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

Rich, if most people that only watch and listen to our podcasts learned that you were someone, like you just said, that has anger issues or you can be frustrated sometimes and you can lash out. I think for people that only know you through this format, would assume that you're probably always calm and cool. Educate our listeners and viewers on who you can be when you're not being a version of yourself that you're not proud of.

SPEAKER_00 22:29

My kids drive me crazy all the time. You know what I mean? And kids will test you, bro. They'll push your buttons and get you to a point where you just want to explode and you want to burst. So I deal with emotional regulation of like how I treat my children on a daily basis. But there have been times just in my life that I could vividly recall being angry and that situation ending in ultimate regret. I'll tell you a quick story about someone that's near and dear to our heart, uh Donnell Ross, right? She was a co-host on the Goodfellow Media platform that you and I had back in 2009. And during this time, she was coming to the show but being very inconsistent. She was missing shows, she was showing up late, you know, not really living up to the expectations that we had of her. So I had a conversation with her. We started to go back and forth. And I was like, all right, then quit. Then you're fired. Then you're not going to be on the show if you can't like meet these expectations that we have of you. You got to come on time, you got to come prepared. And bro, she stormed out of the studio, right? That same week, I actually ran into her at a bar because it was a mutual friend's birthday party. And bro, she dapped everybody up except me. Because she was still angry that I technically fired her from the show. Bro, a week later, she passes away in a motorcycle accident. A week later. Bro, you know when I got to apologize to her? When I went to her wake and I had to kneel down and see her in that state, and that's when I apologized to her. Damn. Bro, that moment taught me so much about how you approach people, how you handle conflict, how you handle anger, how you handle resentment, right? I didn't get the opportunity to mend things with her before something tragic happened. And that that moment stuck with me, bro. To this day, I think about that shit all the time. Every time I argue with my girlfriend, every time I argue, you know, I have uh back and forth with my kids or or or friends, family, loved ones, or anyone. Because I'm like, if this argument happens to be the last time we talk, then I've learned nothing about the things that have happened to me in the past where I didn't get to mend those relationships. So I'm very sensitive to like the anger topic because I can't tell you I've mastered it, but there's certainly been moments in my life where I've self-reflected and I'm like, man, I am never at my best when I'm angry. I'm just not. And I don't think anyone is, right? So you have to have the ability to catch yourself when you're in these angry moments, especially if they turn into rage, right? And just realize that, hey, this is not me. This is like an alter ego version of me who's actually taking over.

SPEAKER_01 25:23

Yeah. When you think back to that moment, Rich, can you clearly see the mistake you made and what you would have been able to do different if you had the opportunity?

SPEAKER_00 25:32

Absolutely. First thing, bro, is resentment. Just holding on to the resentment of like not talking to one another. Oh, you know, being a hard ass. If she doesn't talk to me, I'm not gonna talk to her, right?

SPEAKER_01 25:43

Yeah, being petty, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:45

Being petty and also being a little bit compassionate. Like, what was she going through that she was showing up late to the show? Right? Like, what about her lifestyle, her day-to-day was, you know, I didn't know anything about what was going on with her life to know that those things were resulting in her not being able to perform to her best abilities. In my mind, I was just like, I'm trying to run a media company, I'm trying to run a successful show, we're meeting rappers, we're doing interviews, and she was sort of like being this weak link in my eyes, right? So certainly approach it with much more compassion and not let it get to the point where like I end up firing her and like we end up like not talking for two weeks. Because I never got to, you know, mend that relationship. Damn. I remember you mentioning something like that, but I didn't realize like the impact it had on you. Bro, I carry that story to this day. I always think about that story. Every time I get into an argument with somebody, I'm like, I hope this is not the last time we speak. You know what I mean? Because it's sort of the like PTSD from what I've been through and what I've seen. Yeah. Bro, it's a it's a version of myself that I'm not proud of. And I have to live with that, Jess. I never got to verbally apologize to her while she was here. I have to live with that mistake.

SPEAKER_01 27:05

I like the um the cycle of growth that you walked us through because you're 38 years old now. So maybe the young man was listening to this is maybe 22, 23. They got into an argument with a close friend, a roommate, a girlfriend. And you're saying even at 38, you can look back and say, man, that reaction didn't age well. And I've had the luxury of damn near 15 to 20 years to look back and see I've never experienced anger and spoken to somebody in a way that was spiteful or vengeful or mean, and it's ever netted positive for you. Like you've never looked back and been like, nah, yeah, I did my big one on that one. For sure. That person deserved that, and I'm still proud of it. You're just saying that those decisions never age well.

SPEAKER_00 27:52

They never age well and they never end up in the result that you're expecting, right? If you feel like your anger is going to one up somebody, or like you showed your toughness because you were angry at somebody and you won the argument. All right, cool, bro. You won the argument. Now what? Now you lost a friend.

SPEAKER_01 28:09

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

Now you lost a coworker. Now you and your girl are not talking for two weeks, right? What's the net positive? Not positive at all.

SPEAKER_01 28:18

There is not positive at all, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:21

One of my uncles is funny. One of my uncles used to always be like, I can't really say it on air, it's kind of nasty, but I'll do a different version of it. He'll be like, man, what you mad? Like, what you mad? Like, who cares? Nobody cares that you're mad, you know? And that made me think of the hot coal analogy we had in the father wound episode, where it's like, if you really think about it, being petty, being passive aggressive, holding envy in your body, holding jealousy in your body, all it really is is just you holding hot coal that you can't wait to throw on someone. But you have to wait for that opportunity for you to get your lick back, for you to get revenge. So the whole time you could be holding this resentment, this envy, this jealousy, this anger. You could be holding it. And what happens is you wind up hurting yourself way more the longer you hold it than the moment you're gonna get to throw it at someone. That is the revolving door of the same point that we keep making when it comes to these types of episodes that allow you to have these negative moments live in your head rent-free. And I think there is no difference when it comes to anger. You know, like people keep meeting this version of you that's angry, passive aggressive, because you never took the time to address and really understand where this pain comes from? Where does this childhood pain come from? You're projecting anger because you never addressed it. And I think that is what a lot of this episode revolves around. Take a moment to really ask yourself, why do I always get so upset when these situations happen? And then once you unpack that, it'll allow you not to get upset so much when it happens in real time. Because listen, nothing crazier than human impulse. I get mad about the same shit all the time. But it's really that three-second grace period that I've now learned to give myself before I start firing off and I start hurting people because I'm scared, because I'm vengeful, because I'm angry, and I become a version of myself that I'm not proud of, that I can date back to maybe I learned these traits from my parents or the people who raised me or the village that raised me. These are not things I'm proud of, but it happens a lot. I could tell you a story that happened five months ago that I'm not proud of that was a version of this. So as we say often, we're not speaking down on high. We're not people that are free of any of these problems. I still go through them till this day. But if you want actionable advice, I think it's giving yourself an opportunity to unpack why do I feel this way when these things come up? And if it's consistent, then you know it's a problem. You haven't addressed your childhood pain, man.

SPEAKER_00 31:10

Yeah, that's such a great point, Justin. And I think to your point, I think anger gives you control when you feel powerless, right? When you don't have control over the situation, you feel like being the loudest, being angry, being violent, right? All of that gives you control. But it's possible that you're scared. It's possible that you're frightened, it's possible that you're nervous, you're embarrassed, you don't know how to handle rejection, right? So you just get angry and lash out and try to overcome the room with this anger, right? And man, there's so much about the anger topic that that we have to unpack just because if we're being truthful here, you haven't solved for this, I haven't solved for this. I don't think anyone human has solved for being angry or how to handle anger, right? I think the important thing to understand is you're going to be angry. Period. You're going to be angry. It's how you handle that anger that matters, and it's how you dial the knob on that anger that matters. For example, I get angry every fucking day driving in the New Jersey Turnpike. Somebody's cutting me off, give me the finger, right? Bro, I could easily get just as angry as that person, or I could be like just another day in the New Jersey Turnpike, right? And keep it moving, right? That anger is about a one for me. Right. I could get angry about some shit at work. That might be like a four for me. So you have to understand that these triggers that ultimately lead to anger have like a volume knob to them. Understand what you allow to get your full 10 volume of anger, yeah. And what is a little bit more minuscule that you could just blow past.

SPEAKER_01 33:02

Yeah, Rich, I had a question for you. What's a habit that protected you as a kid that's actively working against you now, and you notice it more and more, and you would like to change?

SPEAKER_00 33:13

I just, bro, I've always been like meticulous as a kid. Like I like things a certain way. Where does that come from? I think that comes from like me wanting to become an individual amongst two other brothers, right? Us three grew up in a one-bedroom apartment sharing bunk beds, sharing living spaces, and I always wanted to have like my own space. You know what I mean? And I grew very meticulous about that space. My brother's beds were always messy, mine was always the neat one. And this was just me like trying to become independent from what my brothers were doing. And that has spilled into like adulthood, bro. Like in my home, I like things done a certain way. I like things cleaned a certain way. And my girlfriend's like, damn, bro, like you're so OD about this. Like, it's almost like OCD in a way. And for me, that was just a way of like separating myself from my brothers.

SPEAKER_01 34:14

Have you made adjustments as an adult to like identify it and make changes on it?

SPEAKER_00 34:19

Yeah, listen, especially when you're sharing a household with a significant other who has a completely different, oh yeah, completely different upbringing than you. You have to find ways to meet them in the middle, bro. They're not gonna do things the exact same way that you're used to. They're just not, you know, and you have to be able to be comfortable with compromising and you're sharing a living space. It should be 50-50, right? 50-50 her taste, 50-50 your taste.

SPEAKER_01 34:49

I can see your jaws locking when you said it should be.

SPEAKER_00 34:53

I mean, listen, it's seven 70-30 for me, but yeah, but I'm saying, but you're you're at war every day.

SPEAKER_01 34:59

And I know this because I've done a lot of research on where my avoidance style or my confrontational style comes from. And this is me unpacking the why. Why do I get so triggered? I'm truly a fight or flight kind of person. Either I'm gonna send it all the way up and I'm down for a good old argument for the next 10 days, or I'm the type to just debt it and end everything and be like, you know what, fuck it, next person. And I'm like this with a lot of things in my life. And I learned in my last relationship that you can't go into the later parts of your life not investing in time and energy and understanding why you are so quick to want to throw hands, create violence, create chaos, send it all the way up, ruin everything, or do a complete 180 and walk out of somebody's life and never look at them ever again. There is something fundamentally wrong with me. And once I unpacked, it was because I was dealing with childhood wounds of not having control. So to your point, Rich, growing up with all your brothers and being the youngest man, but truly the youngest man in the house, you want more control of your life. So you tell yourself when you're younger, oh, I'm gonna start controlling my life. And once I have full control of my life, no one is gonna have control of my life. And that's an extreme equal opposite because you find so much of your identity and being everything that you weren't when you were younger, not being your parents, that you're still allowing your past to dictate your future because now you're trying to be the opposite of what you were. There's a lot of room in between the opposite and what you used to be and what you are today. And that's the gray area of everyday life. And I find that extreme people do extreme shit to prove a point. Meanwhile, the rest of the world is living in a gray area.

SPEAKER_00 36:51

Yeah. Just I could tell you another one that I'm not proud of, and I still do today, and I have no idea how to get control of it. But like if I get into an argument with my girl and it's like, you know, level five argument, level six argument, bro, I go mute. I go mute. I won't talk to her for the day, I won't talk to her for the next. I could go my whole life without talking to her in my mind. Yeah, you know what I mean? And she fucking hates my hands up for our podcast listeners.

SPEAKER_01 37:18

Guilty. I'm guilty. Guilty as charged. I'm the king of disconnecting and shit. I'll throw some AirPods on and you won't hear from me for a week. Bro, in my mind, I'm like, you I I won't talk to you for the rest of my life. I'm the guy in the shed. I'm the guy in the shed working on his car. I could do that all day. If I'm not working, I could work in the shed all day. I have side projects on top of side projects on top of side projects.

SPEAKER_00 37:42

Yeah. By the way, I believe I do that for two different reasons. Number one, part of me is afraid that if I let the argument escalate from a six to a 10, that the person who I don't want to come out is going to come out. So this is like a defense mechanism. If I go mute and I keep the argument at a six and I don't talk, it won't escalate to a 10. You've rationalized that to yourself already. That's what I think. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 38:11

I'm being a better person. She doesn't even know it. That's why I'm not talking to her. Because I'm about to black the fuck out.

SPEAKER_00 38:17

Yeah. And the second thing is I'm not going to allow you to get me out of my square. So I'm just going to ignore you because this is how I cope. Yeah. Both of which are completely toxic and unhealthy. And I understand that, but I just don't know how to solve for it.

SPEAKER_01 38:34

But for the guy who is fighting tooth and nail, scratching to never be who they were in their past, there is a really toxic trait that you can develop when you become extreme because you become the exact opposite, which is not the right move because there's a lot of room in the middle of being the guy who grew up broke, poor, overlooked, and then you dedicate your whole life to being the opposite of that, which you're still allowing your past to determine your future. It is controlling your destiny. So you still don't have control of your own life, but you feel like you do because you're everything you weren't before. That right there is a trapdoor. That right there is a quagmire. That right there is what we call a paradox. You're gonna lose either way. Try and address the issue dead on by identifying it, addressing it, and working on it. And hopefully you can change it within reason of being a normal person. You don't have to be extreme all the time to prove the point of who you were when you were a kid. You don't have to grow up skinny and scrawny and then start taking TRT and you want to get all fucking yoked. Now you want to be the biggest dude in the world. And every dude that walks to a room that got a little bit of a bicep, you're constantly looking at him, thinking to yourself, like, damn, he's bigger than me. I have to get bigger. That is allowing your past to fully determine your future and your present day. That's not healthy either way. Either way, you gotta get cool with being in that middle of being okay. All right, this is where I'm at. At least I'm not what I was before, but I'm not living a life running away from the ghosts of my past. That is not a healthy life to live. How do I know that, Rich? I am the guy who wrote a $250 million check on his wall at 19 years old. Rich, you want to know the origin story to why I wrote a 200. By the way, I was deadbeat broke. I had $20 in my PNC account. $20, because that's all you could have in it before they shut your account down or your overdraft. That's all I had in my account. I wrote on my wall a $250 million, a wall-sized check. I have the picture to prove it. I told my cousin, paint this on my wall. I will never be broke. You want to know where that painting came from, where the inspiration for that painting came from? My father's close friend was in a barbershop and he loaned me money so I can go get equipment for the company that we were building. And I didn't pay that guy back. And every time I went to that barber shop to get a haircut, that motherfucker roasted me, teased me, made fun of me every time I was in the barbershop and reminded me, hey, you never pay me my money back. And from that day forward, I promised myself, I'm never gonna be broke. I'm never gonna have not enough money to pay a motherfucker like this back so he could ever say anything negative about me again. And from that day, Rich, I put the $250 million check on my wall and I save 30% of my paycheck, every paycheck from Pizza Hut all the way to the biggest job I got in the music business. Because that embarrassment made me extreme. I'm happy that I learned how to save money. But what I'm not happy about is that that guy still lives in my brain rent-free. And that trauma from being younger and being broke and getting teased by a grown man about not paying him back is what still drives me today. I gotta be able to let go of that hot coal and just be okay with having a good amount of money in my savings account, a good amount of money in my emergency account. But now I define myself by my savings. And when I'm talking to my girl, she's like, damn, why do you have so much money saved? I'm like, Eddie will never make fun of me again. He will never tease me when I go to the barbershop. She's like in the car driving, like, who the fuck is Eddie? And what is going on? I feel like I lost you. I'm like, oh my bad, I blacked out. I was a 17-year-old version of myself who was broke. I'm 40. You're 40, gang. Let it go. You're gonna be all right.

SPEAKER_00 42:52

Yeah, man. Listen, I think everything you go through, bro, is is certainly a point of reference, right? Like you have to absorb all the life experience that you've had and adopt the things that you feel are useful and hopefully find ways to ignore the things that were negative, the trauma, the things that you don't want to adopt into your new reality. Because just it's worth the work, bro. It's worth the self-development, it's worth the self-improvement to not want to repeat the vicious cycle of the negative things that you grew up with. Because what happens is that at some point in time, hopefully, maybe, you want to be a father. And when that time comes, you want to instill the absolutely best fundamental manhood principles that you can to your son or daughter, right? But you you want to instill these uh healthy principles, principles of positivity, happiness, joy, right? And you only get to do that if you did the internal self work. Of improving your own life. Garbage in, garbage out, right?

SPEAKER_01 44:05

Chef's kiss, my boy. Chef's kiss. One other thing I wanted to add, Rich, and I do have a community note that I wanted to share with you and I wanted to get your reaction to. But for the young guy who doesn't want to keep repeating the mistakes of his past, and he really feels like he's becoming the man he swore he'd never be, and he's becoming a version of his mother that he doesn't enjoy. He has traits from his mom that he doesn't like repeating, or he has traits from his childhood that he doesn't like repeating. The most important thing that I could tell you that is actionable advice is there are two things you can learn that are skills for life. One of them is learn to learn. Get better at learning new skills. Because the more skills you learn, the better you become. And those skills don't just go away with time, they improve with time. The second one is probably more important for this episode because you're focused on not being the person you were two years ago, but you still struggle with relapsing and doing things that make you disappointed in yourself. That meta skill is learning how to get rid of bad habits. Habits are a thing that is such a meta skill that if there are bad habits, they compound and they get worse over time the more you repeat them. One drink a night turns into two drinks a night. Two drinks a night turns into a bottle every night. A bottle every night turns into you hitting the bar. You hitting the bar turns into you driving home faded. You driving home faded turns into a DWI. A DWI turns into an opportunity for you to go to prison. These bad habits snowball over time. But the same way bad habits snowball over time, good habits, positive habits, breaking old bad habits, those are all different skills. Once you learn how to do that, you're pointing yourself in a trajectory that's up and to the right. You are slowly killing the man you were yesterday so you can become the man you want to be today and tomorrow. And for the people in your future, that is how essential habits are. Bad habits are just like good habits, they are pluses and ones. Try to get more pluses in your life so you can start becoming the person you want to be. And this shit doesn't happen overnight, it happens slowly, but it starts with you identifying it. And I know we made that point earlier in the episode, but I want to be clear if you're becoming a man who swore you would never be this person and you could see yourself you're becoming that person, just get on the positive side. Start building some positive habits and start breaking bad habits.

SPEAKER_00 46:51

That's such a great point, Jess. And listen, I could tell you something just recently, right? Like my son, he's a freshman in high school and just made the soccer varsity team. And bro, I was so excited. I'm like, bro, hell yeah, you're doing incredible. He's playing JV, he's playing varsity, and he's a freshman, right? And I'm like, you don't understand. I'm being overly excited. And he turns to me, he's like, Dad, why are you so excited? Like I've never seen you this excited before. And I'm like, because you've been able to accomplish something that I was never able to do when I was a freshman. So I'm just happy that you're surpassing me in this, and I'm genuinely proud of you. Bro, and he looked at me and he was like shocked for a minute. And then I went on to explain to him, I never had a father to be proud of me for anything that I've done, for any of my accomplishments. So I'm trying to be that for you. And he just looked at me, gave me a hug, and he was like, damn, I appreciate that. Yeah, man, that that was my way of like showing him like, hey, all your wins, I'm proud of them. Yeah. You know, because dad never had a male role model to give him a pat on the shoulder when he accomplished something. So you're getting the opposite of that. You're getting a pat on the bat with every accomplishment that you get.

SPEAKER_01 48:06

That's an incredible moment, Rich. I'm glad that we're sharing that. I didn't know that. I'm happy, I'm happy for him, but I'm even more happy for you. Like that's an amazing moment in your life that you got to experience.

SPEAKER_00 48:17

Yeah, but to your point, just like you have to be conscious of the generational cycles that you want to break, right? You have to be conscious that that past trauma exists and unfavorable moments that you grew up with happened, but that you don't want to repeat those moments. Yep, not only in your life, but pass them down to your children as well.

SPEAKER_01 48:41

Yeah. You know what's a funny joke you could play on your son is uh you could tell him, look, man, like my father used to tell me, and then you just walk out of the room. He'll be like, he'll be like, Well, look what you'll be like, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 48:58

Yeah, figure it out. Or just show him a picture of Uncle Phil and Carl Winslow.

SPEAKER_01 49:03

Oh, yeah. He's like, but my dad is black. Um yo, I do have a community note that I thought was very relevant to this episode. And it just feels so raw and honest, and I want to get your immediate feedback. So I did it again, guys. I got into an argument with my girl, and I spoke it to her in a way that I'm not proud of. I yelled, I stomped, I slammed the door, I said some nasty things to her, and I messed up again after saying I'd change. To be honest, no one has ever taught me any other way. And I don't feel like it's my fault. But based on what we're talking about on this episode, how can I help myself even though I know no one taught me better and I know it's not my fault?

SPEAKER_00 49:51

Listen, man, you have to know number one, who you are, and number two, who you want to be. And it's okay if those things are too far apart, because that means that you need to do work. There's some self-work that needs to be done here for you to get to where you are and where you want to be, right? So acknowledging that you're not at your best when you're angry or you lash out at your girl and course correcting that into what you want to be is okay, bro. We're not these infallible human beings who don't make mistakes. I think the problem is when you don't course correct and you storm off every single time that you have an argument with your girl, because that means you're not learning anything. You're just repeating the vicious cycle of the things that you're used to doing because this is what you learned from your parents and this is what you grew up with. But like I said, bro, you have to understand who you are and where you want to be, and in between those two is all the work that has to be done. It's on you to put in the work.

SPEAKER_01 50:58

And there's not a lot I can add there, but there was one more community note, and it's a bit of a a steel man, I want to tee Rich up for, but you ready, Rich? Because this one's gonna irrt the fuck out of you. But you love doing that. No, I like the idea of at the end of the episode, our listener that's probably thinking this is gonna be like, now that's somebody who understands me. That steel man argument is my argument because we are speaking from 38 and 40 years old. So we have the luxury of perspective. But these are comments that are coming from guys that are 18, 20, 24. So they're saying, easy for you to say, that's the intro to this comment. Easy for you guys to say, you're already grown. If you dealt with bullies, they're probably in your past. If you dealt with any diversity, it's probably in your past. Both you guys have girlfriends and you seem financially stable. I am someone that constantly feels small. I feel small when I go to school because I don't have the best resources, and I definitely feel small when I'm at work because I am the lowest in the totem pole. So when I get angry, most of the time I feel justified. And you can't tell me I don't deserve to feel justified, especially if you guys don't go through it anyway.

SPEAKER_00 52:15

Here's what I'll share with this guy. Life is gonna piss you off. Period. There's a lot of things about life that are gonna get you angry, that are gonna get a reaction out of you, that are gonna trigger you in some way. The important thing is how do you respond to the things that trigger you? How do you respond to the things that get you angry? And how do you not make these events your identity, right? It's easy to live in this bubble of like, oh man, life is hard. The world hates me, my boss overlooked me on a promotion, right? My girlfriend keeps arguing with me about doing the dishes, right? And and you just live in this like negative headspace of anger and resentment because things are not going your way. That is such an easy cop out, right? Because you frame the world in a way where you are the victim, right? Push back on that shit, push back on the world. You don't have to view yourself as this person who's a victim of your circumstances. You are in control and you get to dictate how you view negative circumstances and how you view things that get you angry, and you have the ability to course correct, you have the autonomy, bro. Like, I will instill in this young man and every man listening to this, you are in control. Act like it, behave like it.

SPEAKER_01 53:34

You are in control. And if you feel like the world is always punching down on you and you're small and you have no way of fighting back, I can say from firsthand experience that anger and violence is definitely not the route. Because in that moment, you have to ask yourself when you're frustrated, you have to give it two seconds. Give it two seconds. Really think to yourself am I actually protecting something that's real, something that's harming me, or am I protecting my ego from me feeling small, feeling irrelevant, feeling overlooked? And am I gonna do something that could change my whole life, ruin my whole life? That is where a lot of anger ends up at. And I can say that from experience. I've lost a lot of good people in my life because I've said nasty things to them in the middle of a crossfire. I even hit one of my coworkers with a basketball during a pickup basketball game, and I regret it to this day because not only did I get fired from that job, and this person was a key decision maker, which I'm pretty sure factored into letting me go. But also I really liked that dude. He was a good dude, and me and him used to talk about sports. We had a good relationship. And that person, I never spoke to them again after that. Yeah, it felt good firing a basketball off somebody's forehead, but in the moment, it wasn't cool. It wasn't cool. Like, not only did I lose my temper, but I lost somebody important in my life. And that's what you have to ask yourself in these moments. Is it worth going back to old habits that I don't like about myself? And is it worth what I'm going to lose if I do go back to these old habits? And Rich and I are still going through it. And I think that's very important to mention at the end of this episode. We are struggling with that on the day-to-day. Maybe your pride and your arrogance and your ego is what got you this far. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you got to let the devil and the demons push the plow forward. I'm not mad at that. I'm never going to be mad at that. But what I will say is that understand when it's not doing you any favors anymore. And you're around people that don't deserve that.

SPEAKER_00 55:40

Yeah. Justin, I'll end on this, man. Like, be somebody who wants to break the generational curse. It's called a curse for a reason. Break that motherfucker and hand down healthy habits to your children. But be the guy in your life who breaks the generational curse.

SPEAKER_01 55:58

Speaking of generational curses, I want to tip the glass to my boy Jensen, Rich's son, for making varsity. That's what's up, man. Rich. Yeah, man. You broke the generational curse.

SPEAKER_00 56:09

I hope so, man. I hope so. We're still trying out here.

SPEAKER_01 56:12

He did. It already happened. He already did it.

SPEAKER_00 56:14

Yeah, man. There you have it, man. Failures podcast. Hit us up on YouTube. Hit us up on Spotify, Apple, wherever you get your audio podcast. Send us an email, man. We love to hear from our community. Leave us a comment, curse at us, be angry with us, do what you want. Blame us. Yeah. Uh, but hit us up. We like to hear from y'all. There you have it, man. Peace.