SPEAKER_01 0:00

Bro, there's things about your life that are being altered as far as circumstances. And habits are changing within those circumstances, right? And little by little, if you start making all the bad decisions and start picking up all these bad habits, they're gonna compound in a way where you become someone that wasn't your original self before you got into the relationship. And guess what? You notice it, she notices it. So she notices it. Guess what time it is, my boy? It's time to change something.

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Failures podcast. Today we're talking about relationship drift. Okay, you got the girl, you got comfortable. You slowly fell off. But do you remember the guy you were when y'all first met? Do you remember that guy? He was smooth, he was charming, he was confident. That guy even did push-ups in his room before he linked up with his girl on their first and second date. He wanted to look strong. He wanted to look dominant. Remember that guy? That guy had friends. That guy had a lot of motion. He was popping out, doing things. He was canceling on her because he had other things to do. That guy even wore cologne. Remember that guy? That guy used to be you. Now think about your relationship currently. You've been with your girl for a few weeks. When was the last time you took your girl out on a date? It wasn't a holiday, it wasn't Valentine's Day. You just said, baby, I'm planning a weekend for us. We're going somewhere. Impromptu. When was the last time you went to the gym? When was the last time you told her, Don't worry, I got it? Leave. Go with your friends. Come back. I got it. If you haven't done something like that in a while and you can feel that something is changing in your relationship with your girl, then stay right here. This episode is definitely for you. If you're worried your girl's energy is somewhere else, and she slowly misses the guy that you used to be, if that guy is gone, then this episode is definitely for you. Rich, this is a tough one for us because I know me and you have a lot of relatable stories. When you got into your relationship and started building your family, was there a point when you realized you weren't the same guy anymore? The same guy that she had met?

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Yeah, bro. I can relate to this guy just this guy was definitely me. Shortly after I met my girl, bro, I stopped going to the gym. I started getting comfortable, you know, I started eating out a lot, started going out to restaurants, you know what I mean? And shortly after that, we had a child together. So then I became a father. I had all these responsibilities and building a family and building a household. And bro, I gained about like 30 pounds during this time, slowly too. Like it wasn't like one day to another, just slowly over time, over two years, gained 30 pounds. And man, I remember looking at myself in the mirror one day and being like, yo, what happened? You know, like we're we're no longer the same guy. And this is not the guy who she met, you know? And when I self-reflected on that moment, right, of gaining all that weight during that time, I really thought to myself, like, damn, what happened? And the only thing that I could really come up with was that I got comfortable, number one. Number two, life started kicking my ass and real world responsibility started to kick in. But number three was that my motivation had changed, right? I was no longer on dating apps or dating other women or on the pursuit of chasing a woman and going out on dates and finding my perfect match, right? So my motivation to get fit was not the same. And once I found my girlfriend and I felt like I no longer had to work hard in the gym to upkeep my physical fitness, like shit just changed for me. You know what I mean? So I think the reframe that I made was man, I need to get back in shape. But this time I need to do it for me, for myself, for my mental health, for my confidence, not for a woman, not for my girlfriend, but for me. And I think that was a very pivotal reframe that I had to make.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

Yeah, I love that you say that, Rich, because if you really think about what we're attacking in this episode, it's it's something that lives in a gray area. It's really not a full burden of responsibility on you because you want to show up for your partner, but you guys are in a relationship. And it will be fucked up if we put the pressure on her because, again, it's a relationship. This is like two dominoes standing upright and leaning on each other.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

I could blame her too, though, just because sometimes she wanted to eat McDonald's and I didn't say no.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Yeah, yeah. I mean, there is an accountability that goes both ways in a relationship. And you saying you gained weight. My question to you is are you to blame because you got the girl, you got comfortable, like you said, you slowly drifted off. You slowly fell off. These things don't happen quickly, they happen month over month, year over year. So are you to blame or is she to blame?

SPEAKER_01 5:14

No, I think you're to blame, bro. Like you have to take responsibilities for your own actions. And if you're drifting with your physical fitness, right, and you gain 30 pounds like I did, right? Like that bare of responsibility lands solely on me, right? I made decisions like not going to the gym, like not eating right, that ultimately led to that weight gain. I think the most important aspect to that moment and that story is really like you have to understand what your motivations are. And at that time, my motivation to be fit and look healthy was to get a woman and make her my girlfriend and find a wife and all these things, right? And the reframe that I made was like, man, getting fit should have never been about the woman. I always made it about the woman, right? So when I got the woman, I stopped working out, right? Like, and that's the pitfall, right? Like you should want to be fit, you should want to look good for yourself, to boost your confidence, to improve your mental health, right? To stay in shape, to feel good about yourself, right? Like these are all things that you should do for you. And that's the the reframe that I had to make there.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

Yeah, what we're really talking about here is complacency, right? Like in any situation in life, humans tend to get comfortable once they feel like, all right, everything's locked in. I got my girl, I'm good, I got my job, I'm good, I got my home, I'm good. But you know this, Rich. And I think what you're saying in that story relates. It's like you can't be too complacent because when you get too complacent, that's when you stop paying attention to the details. And it'd be the little details that make or break a relationship over time. Or I wouldn't even say break a relationship, allows a woman to lose confidence in you, allows the girl to feel like the guy that she met is gone. The guy that she met is no longer living in her home. The guy that she met, the guy that charmed her, is no longer in her life. That is what we're talking about. It's a quiet quit from the other person in the relationship. And sometimes what happens is you don't even realize you're in a brand new relationship and you're blaming her. But in reality, she's looking at you like, no, you're the reason why I changed my energy because you stopped showing up.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

Yeah. You know what I think of it just like sort of like an effort meter, right? Like when you don't have something, because it's not only about women, it could be about the job, money, relationships, friendships, whatever. But when you don't have something, you tend to put a lot of effort towards that one thing that you don't have because it's the thing you're trying to obtain. So your effort goes up. The minute you obtain that thing, that shit significantly goes down. And you no longer put the same amount of time or effort into something because you've already obtained it. You've won the prize, right? You've got the girl, you got the job, you got the house, right? Well, whatever that is in your life. And I think that's ultimately one of the pitfalls guys fall into too. Myself included, just I'm not excluded from that.

SPEAKER_00 8:27

Yeah, but I've heard this before. A lot of people in the workforce, in my position as a leader for the company I work with, a phrase that I hear a lot is you think getting the job is the job. That's not true. Maintaining the job is the job. Overperforming at the job is the job. Showing that you are learning more and you're developing more skills, and you're rising to the burden that we give you in this job is the job. Getting the job is just the first step. That's putting the resume together, researching the company, meeting the right people, smiling, firm handshake, speak with confidence, speak with conviction, prove that you have experience. Don't you notice the same descriptions that I just gave for getting a job? Doesn't that sound very similar to dating? When you're down bad and you haven't gotten your dick wet in a minute and you really need a girl in your life because you're trying you're tired of hanging out with your boys, you're tired of loading up the OnlyFans and going to work, you're tired of, you're tired, you're just tired of being alone. It gives you this energy to want to solve your problem. That energy, when you put your best foot forward and you actually start going out to find someone to fill this void that you have, you got to remember who that guy was because that is your full potential. Now, yeah, sometimes you show up a little bit more aggressive and more charming than you are, but your baseline can't be the bottom. Your baseline has to be somewhere in the middle. And I think that is what we're talking about in this episode. You got the girl, but you got comfortable and you slowly fell off. Why did you fall off? Because you're not showing up like day one you anymore. You're showing up like day third of you, month third of you. And month third of you is not a great representation of you. Definitely not a great representation of your girl to her family.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

Yeah, you're right. And just how much of that responsibility is on you versus on her, right? Like I don't want to villainalize the woman, right? But I do feel like to some degree women are culpable in the sense that let's say you are drifting a little bit and you are falling off course, right? Or you're you're having some bad days, or whatever the case may be, a woman can be there to either uplift you or dig you deeper into that hole, right? Because if she's criticizing you, when you're in your darkest moments, telling you, yo, you're not the guy I fell in love with, you're not the guy you used to be, right? When you're in your darkest moments versus a woman that comes in there and be like, yo, tell me what's going on. Let's tackle it together, right? Like, I'm here for you. Like, tell me what it is, right? We'll tackle it together. That's a very important nuance that we should definitely unpack. And I think, you know, again, I don't want to blame the women, but I feel like in this topic of male drift, right, and things about you changing, there is some bear of responsibility on the woman if she's not assisting you and encouraging you to continue being your authentic self, right?

SPEAKER_00 11:43

Yeah, wait, hold on. I I do want you to dive into that a little bit more. From what I understand on today's topic, it was more about a woman feeling like, I don't want to be raising no grown man. I don't want to be responsible for checking in on you when I have my own life going on. When I met you, you were a solid, well-spoken, reliable leader. Now I'm dealing with a guy that I need to check in with daily. Like, where did that guy go? I want you to stay on your side of the point, though, because I think it is a good point, but I want to make sure we're we're framing it that way. So even the woman that's listening to this episode is like, yeah, I thought that's what this episode was about. Why are you pushing it back on me?

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Listen, I'm not putting blame on the woman, but I think it'd be naive for us to believe that it takes two. It takes two to tangle, right? And if you're talking about a family dynamic where two people have to contribute 50% for something for a family dynamic to be 100% sound, right? If he's at a point in his life where he can only give 30, only give 40%, and you have to give 60 for a month, two months, right? Because, bro, you never know what a guy's going through, right? And I think to the woman, right? Like you have to understand when your man is going through something. Listen, I'll always side on the guy wanting to self-improve and wanting to be better for himself. But at the same time, if you don't have a woman who's encouraging you to do that, to get out of the funk that you're in, that shit it makes the journey of you improving 10 times harder. And then it becomes uh a blame game of her saying, yo, you're not the guy I used to date, or you're different than when we were dating before, right? So listen, I don't put the blame on the women. All I'm saying is that we need to call out that there are some women that have the ability to elevate you out of a bad situation or dig you deeper in the ground. And I think that important nuance we need to just keep in our back pocket because the men are not always culpable in every every single circumstance.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

I have a scenario for you, Rich. So let's say hypothetically, you are going through something. You got laid off, someone in your family is going through an illness, something serious, and you've been with this woman for three or four years. Is it her burden of responsibility to keep motivating a man that is in a funk and he just stopped trying and he's lost? Is it really on her? At what point does her support become enabling?

SPEAKER_01 14:31

I mean, shit, there certainly should be a statute of limitations, right? And it's certainly case by case. No, but I'm saying because some guy he'll take advantage of it. Yeah, he'll take advantage of the support. Yes, they'll milk it for all it's worth, right? Like, oh man, she's doing everything right now, she's picking up all the slacks, she's even paying some of my bills. Like, I'm good. I could I could coast like this for a while. That I think is predatory, and you should definitely not do that. But if you're in a three-year relationship and you're going through the death of a family member and you don't have that moral support from your significant other, that's what I'm talking about, bro. Like, that to me is unacceptable. If you have a partner that is there for you, genuinely there for you, and you're going through something very, very difficult or life-altering, you're expecting your partner to be there, even if she got to show up 60, 70% into the relationship while you can only provide 30. So I'm saying, yes, in a lot of different scenarios, Just, the man is to blame, especially if you're going through a layoff and let's say you're not looking for a job, right? You're just fucking playing video games in your house. Then the burden of responsibility is on you because you're not doing it, you're drifting and you're not doing anything to change your circumstance. But in other situations, the women also don't help a man crawl out of those situations. And to some degree, they do have a little bit of responsibility in helping a guy navigate out of those difficult situations.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

Yeah, I agree entirely. And I do want to zoom in a little bit further to the young man that is going through something. I think that is what we're talking about here. We're saying she feels like you're no longer the guy she met. And for what it's worth, she probably don't look like the girl you met either, because people change year over year. So you're not as heroic as you were on the first month you guys met, and she is probably not as amazing as she was the first month y'all met. She doesn't wear makeup anymore, she stopped going to the gym. You have shirked some of your responsibilities, and now she shares some responsibilities. Fair. I feel like this happens today more than ever because women are stepping up and providing a lot more than they used to in the past. This is the normal state of most relationships this day. This is the relationship that I'm in. Rich, this is the relationship that you're in. Back in the day, you could just work a full-time job, pay the mortgage, take care of your kids, and have your wife stay at home all day. That's not the situation most men are in right now, especially if you're young and you're trying to build the foundation of a family. One thing that is a harsh truth, and I feel like most men will push back on, is you have to understand that there's a burden that comes with being a leader. I've always known that. When you are given the crown, heavy is the head that wears the crown. Now, some men are probably sitting there thinking, shit, I don't want no fucking crown. I don't want to be responsible for everybody in the house. I just want to be responsible for myself and I want it to be 50-50, me and my girl. Rich, why is that a problem when you go past the moment of 50-50?

SPEAKER_01 17:46

That goes back to like basic principles that you abide by in a relationship, right? I personally abide by some old school principles where I'm gonna take 70, 80% of the financial burden off the family. Get deeper into it.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

Why is that? There are consequences to letting the woman in your relationship take 70% of the responsibility. There are consequences. It's less about the percentages, it's more about why are you taking the most accountability in the leadership role?

SPEAKER_01 18:19

Somebody has to lead, just ultimately, right? Like you're gonna bump heads if you have two people that are trying to make the same decisions for the family. Somebody got to lead and somebody got to follow. And by the way, that's not binary to every single life situation. There's different scenarios in life where your girl will take lead on something and you got to take the back seat, and other situations where you got to take lead and she'll take the back seat, right? And those you'll naturally figure out along the way. But I come from old school principals. I pay 80 to 90% of all the bills. But guess what, Just? I'm not trying to fucking cook when I get home. I'm not trying to clean when I get home. Like there's just certain roles that we've identified for each other. And this dynamic, whether you want to call it outdated or not, works for us, right? And I truly believe in those basic fundamental principles of like how a man and a woman come together to form a household. Everyone has a role to play. And if you are coming in 50-50 into that situation, guess what? If she's contributing 50% of everything, she can do that with any other man. She doesn't need you specifically to contribute 50-50. She could do that with a woman, she could do that with her best friend, right? So what do you bring to the table? Bro, in my situation, I am the fucking table, quoting Kanye, right?

SPEAKER_00 19:45

Like do you fear in this episode, the guy that's probably going through something and is looking for more empathy from us, do you fear that you are not being reasonable about his situation with what you just said?

SPEAKER_01 19:59

No, I think listen, if you're drifting in life, whether it be because of work circumstances or in your relationship or you're going through family shit, we understand you, bro. I go through shit all the time. And I catch myself, like my gaining 30 pound story. I caught myself drifting and I knew I needed to make a change. I think the point of this episode and what we're highlighting to young men today is like, bro, there's things about your life that are being altered as far as circumstances, and habits are changing within those circumstances, right? And little by little, if you start making all the bad decisions and start picking up all these bad habits, they're gonna compound in a way where you become someone that wasn't your original self before you got into the relationship. And guess what? You notice it. Guess what? She notices it, right? So if she notices it, guess what time it is, my boy? It's time to change something, right? Because the other side of the spectrum is she moves on. She goes lives with her mom for six months. Hey, I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna go live with my mom. We could keep trying in this relationship and we'll try to make it work. Bullshit, bro. She's been checked out, right? She was just looking at an excuse to get out of the relationship, all because you drifted so much that you became a completely different person that she wants nothing to do with. So I think you really have to understand that every decision that you make when you're in a relationship, both negatively and positively, contribute to the outlook of how your woman sees you at the end of the day. And what we're saying is that if you drift so much to the point where you become somebody else, she will notice, bro. And your relationship will be.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Will suffer because of it. There is a price you have to pay for being in the position of a man. It just comes with being a man. There is a price that you have to pay if you take the role of the guy who gets the biggest piece of chicken, the guy who gets the biggest part of the sandwich, the guy who gets the biggest salary in a company, the guy who owns the company. When you take a role in life, or you're given a role because of your gender, that comes with accountability. There's no other way to say it. I wish I can say, hey, you get all the upside of this situation, but you get no downside. You don't have to show up, you don't have to do anything. That is a beautiful life, but that is a fallacy of a life. If you think you can accommodate your world where you just show up for the interview, you get the job. After you get the job, you could wind it down. You don't have to show up no more the way you did on day one. And now you get to get the highest salary, but you don't work the hardest and you get no accountability. Accountability is associated to who do I go to when things go wrong. That is essentially the same foundation and the same framework of a relationship. That's part of being a man. When I was in a relationship with my significant other, I shook her father's hand and he said, a real man will take care of my daughter so I don't have to worry about her anymore. And a part of that comes with killing this little boy dream you have of doing a radio show that doesn't pay you any money and you need a real job, Justin. And with that real job comes moving in with my daughter and making sure she's safe because I don't live with her no more. Now I do understand that falls into an old model, and a lot of younger modern men don't want that responsibility. But if you don't provide some cookies, you don't get no motherfucking nookie. That's just basically what's going on here. Because a woman is going to give and surrender and be feminine to a man that she feels safe around. And part of the what the father was trying to tell you when, hey, you now are taking the hand of my daughter. So I don't have to burden that responsibility because she's moving out of my home and moving with you. You have to show up. What other reason would a woman give you anything other than the fact that if she felt safe around you? I do understand we live in a modern world and everybody thinks everything is 50-50. But that shit is a fallacy. That shit is a lie. If you want to be the janitor in a big corporation, then fine, you get paid like a janitor. If you want to work the front desk, you get paid like somebody who works the front desk. If you want to be CFO, CEO, CMO, you want to have the high title with the big pay, heavy is the head that wears the crown, Rich. That means when things go wrong, the first person they come see is you. There's no difference in a household where you have a beautiful woman that wants to feel protected and safe around you, where you have beautiful children that quite literally do not know what the fuck they're doing. They need someone to follow into this crazy world. That person they want to follow is you. But with the burden of leadership comes a lot of responsibility. And with a lot of responsibility comes stress. And with stress comes tension, and with tension comes doubt, and with doubt comes depression. And you're just sitting at the crib thinking, damn, I just wish everybody wasn't depending on me. Well, I'm sorry, my man. I'm sorry, Mr. Man. That comes with being a grown-ass man. You have to accept that responsibility. Now we get to the part that is the lifesaver they throw in the water for you that you get to rest your arm on. That is a beautiful woman that lives with you, that you chose, that got a good head on her shoulders, and she's gonna hold you up when things are going poorly, when life is a little crazy, when you're in a funk. But she's not supposed to hold you up all the time. And she definitely doesn't want to be the person that gets held up. She doesn't want to be the leader, I can assure you of that. How do I know I'm 40 years old? I've been in about seven different relationships, and in the last six relationships I was in, I gave too much accountability to my partner and they wound up resenting me for it. And you don't want to be in a relationship where a woman resents you or feels bad for you. That is the end of the relationship. You can stamp it.

SPEAKER_01 26:53

Yeah, bro. She doesn't want a man, baby just. And you know what, bro? Like, I really feel like you have to be comfortable with the feedback that's coming back on the other end. If she's telling you things, it's probably for a reason. I'll tell you a quick story. My girl called me out because every time she would pick me up at the ferry stop, she would ask me, Hey, how was your day? And I would go and tell her about my day. She called me out because she's like, yo, you know what I noticed? You never fucking asked me about my day. Like ever.

SPEAKER_00 27:30

But the funny part was before Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. For anybody listening to this that's never been in a real grown-up relationship, you could write a whole book on that exchange right there, Rich. Because I truly believe in my heart of all hearts, a woman doesn't care how your day went. She's really just opening up the conversation so you can ask her how her day went. And I assume that's how the story goes. That's valid.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

But before we got into a relationship, guess what I was doing, Jess? Asking her how her day was every day, right? Rubbing her feet, looking in her eyes, her massages, Miamol, you're so beautiful to me, you know, besitos, all the above, bro. And she was just like, yo, you no longer do that anymore, right? And that was a hard pill for me to swallow because I'm like, damn, she's right. What changed about us being in a relationship? Then I'm no longer taking a couple minutes to check in on her and finding out how her day was, right? Like, and that was a moment where I had to self-reflect and understand that, like, damn, I've become self-consumed by my day-to-day and the rat race that I'm running that I forgot about my partner. And guess what? For that moment, just she was looking at me like uh you're not the guy I met, right? Because you're no longer doing the small little attention to detail things that you used to do before we got into a relationship. And just like that example, I think that's what men have to realize that it's small things, bro. It's not even you got to get the small things right, Just. It's not even about the really hard problems. Sometimes it's just the small details about being emotionally available for your woman and listening to her that are gonna keep you close binded together. The minute you stop doing the small shit, you create distance between you and your partner, you create distance in the relationship. And then that has her wondering who am I with? Because you become a different person.

SPEAKER_00 29:45

Yep. Rich, I have a great story about what you just said, and it really has to do with a job. But when I think back about the way I was dealt with and how I eventually got fired because of the way I was showing up to this job, it made me think about this episode. And this episode is about a woman feeling like you're just not the guy I met. You slowly turned into something else, and now I have all the burden of responsibility. Now I am taking care of you and you can no longer take care of yourself. Imagine that flip in a relationship. Just imagine it. Imagine you meet somebody and they're showing you they're capable of doing X. And then as the relationship goes on, you end up doing X. Imagine if you went to Shake Shack and you only had two or three minutes to get a meal for your family so you can go home and feed your family. But every time you go to Shake Shack, the person working at the counter just starts giving you a little bit more responsibility. Hey, why don't you come back here and do the french fries while I make the burger? You're like, oh, I thought that's what I paid for. Oh, why don't you come back here and help us chop up the lettuce and tomatoes and put it on the sandwich? Hey, can you go to Ralph's and go pick up some bread and bring it back? Do you see how in other scenarios, when the roles start reversing and what you signed up for slowly starts turning into something you didn't sign up for? In that gap where the person stops assuming their responsibility is when the resentment starts being built. Because the other person might comply. They might be okay with it in the moment, but they're slowly realizing, wait, wait, I'm getting tricked. This person is not doing what they used to do, and now I'm doing more of it. Does that make sense, Rich? I don't know if I've cleared. Like, that's where the resentment starts in a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 31:41

Bro, hell yeah. And let me tell you something that's a deep cut. If she's handling 70% of the stuff, specially financially, bro, I truly believe that that misalignment in the relationship dynamic invites disrespect. Well, what do I mean? She's gonna go out with her friends, not check in on you, be like, I'm going out. You're like, oh, where are you going? I have plans. And you get the craziest side of her that you've ever seen before.

SPEAKER_00 32:12

In that tone, in that tone, you just said right there, that's fighting, those are fighting words. See, I'm triggered. I'm triggered now. I have plans. Yeah. Plans for what? Plans for me to change this motherfucking lock. That's what I got. Plans for. When you get here, this lock is gonna be swapped out.

SPEAKER_01 32:28

Yeah, just but guess what? You probably only have 30% to afford for that lock because she's handling the 70%.

SPEAKER_00 32:37

They're like, yo, that's my point. Can you cash up me $20 so I can buy a lock?

SPEAKER_01 32:45

Bro, there's a crazy misalignment there, right? When she's handling everything. I truly believe that, bro. Like, I feel like that subconsciously invites disrespect on the opposite sex because she believes.

SPEAKER_00 32:58

So you're saying if there, if he is a broke boy in the relationship and he's letting his girl take care of 80% of the expenses, and he try to set the tone and say, hey, if you leave this house dressed like that, I'm changing the locks on you. And you're what you're saying is she's gonna turn around and be like, Well, you don't even have enough money for a locksmith or a fucking lock. So good luck with that, broke boy. You can't set no tone. Yes. You can't set no tone because you don't lead the relationship. I love what you're saying. It's a great point.

SPEAKER_01 33:33

1,000%, bro. 1000%. That's spot on, right? And that's part of the cautionary tale, right? Which is why we're saying, like, yo, you gotta get your shit together, my man. If you're drifting, if you're drifting and she's telling you things and she's giving you hints, and she's like, yo, getting out of shape. Yo, you're not bringing in as much income as you used to. Yo, I keep having to lend you money every month.

SPEAKER_00 33:59

Yeah, this headboard, this headboard hasn't been cracked in a minute. Wait, we haven't been putting in work. Well, what are we doing? I'm not getting nothing out of this relationship.

SPEAKER_01 34:07

Bro, you have to take that feedback in, just and you have to adjust accordingly. If you so choose to want to self-improve for yourself and also show up the way you should be showing up to your relationship. And if you love that woman, bro, she deserves that from you, right? And I like to make a distinction because it listen, if you're going through something traumatic and it's life-altering and you're in a little funk, we get it, bro. We understand, we have sympathy, but you can't ride that sympathy wave so long to the point where she starts to resent you because she's just she's just your rock. And she can't be your rock forever.

SPEAKER_00 34:46

You know, you gotta show up 50-50. Rich, I've mentioned this relationship a few times on the show, and I think it's worth mentioning again. I didn't know that my relationship was falling apart until it was too late. And if I could look back, if I can go into a time machine and make some corrections in my relationship that would have fixed what inevitably became her breaking up with me or making my life so miserable in the apartment we lived in that I had to demand that we weren't together anymore. Because I believe women don't even want to break up with their man, they just want to make their lives so fucking miserable that they wave the white flag. Because again, most very attractive, beautiful young women are not used to being in the position where they have to make difficult decisions and make a broken man feel more broken. So, what they would rather do is make their lives so difficult and make the situation they're in so inconvenient that they almost force you to want to leave. This is a fact, or at least a fact that I can relate to. And if I could reverse the hands of time and go back in a time machine and correct one thing in my relationship, it was when I was in between jobs. I had just gotten laid off of one job and I was looking for another job. And my significant other at the time made a lot of money. Talking about upper $500,000, a lot of money. And we were just out of college. So I felt comfortable enough to give myself more time to let her go out and pursue her career, make money. And I used to stay at her apartment a lot, and I used to be in there a lot. But as time went on, I could tell that she would make plans for things, and I would either tell her I can't go because financially I'm not stable, or I would say, Hey, would you mind just covering this time? And you know, when I get my shit together, I got you. I did that enough times that I started realizing that she either stopped inviting me to things, or she would tell me straight up for the first time, we were together for three or four years, she would tell me straight up, don't worry about it. I got it. Hey, the air conditioner is leaking. I don't think something's wrong with it. Since you're staying home today and I'm going to work, can you look into it? And I would be like, Yeah, for sure. And let's say I was playing video games or I went out to play basketball or I just never got around to it. She would come home later that day with a random man that was rented on TaskRabbit that would come in and I would walk into the apartment and he would be fixing the air conditioner. And I would be like, yo, I thought I thought I was gonna take care of that. She would stop arguing. That's how I knew it was over when she stopped arguing with me and she would say, No, that's fine. I got it. I'll take care of it. You're good. I got it. That is when, if I look back, when I should have known, oh, she sees me as incompetent. She sees me as unreliable. When your partner starts taking away your responsibilities, that means she no longer believes in you. That is when I should have known my relationship was over. But I was too young, naive, and overly confident in who I was at that time. So I would just look at her and be like, all right, cool, you got it. All right, cool, you're ordering groceries. All right, no problem, you're paying for dinner. And slowly my relationship was decaying. Slowly, her trust and confidence in me was going away. Slowly, she was looking at me as some sort of fucking charity case, a baby that she had to carry through life. And then eventually, Rich, about a year within that window of her kind of like not counting on me anymore and me thinking it was a good sign, is when the relationship got more disrespectful and she got a little bit more stronger with me. And it got more uncomfortable, and it became a hell to live in the in the same apartment as her. And that was over 12 months. It didn't happen quickly. And if I can go back, I would point that a time where I was like, man, I wasn't paying attention. My antennas worn up. I should have been taking more responsibility just to take that burden off of her, but I didn't. And our relationship ended very terribly. It was a fucked up relationship. We got into a lot of arguments, it was bad. And I take blame for that. And I think that is what this episode is about. Over time, people develop resentment towards you if you start giving the responsibilities that you agreed to to someone else. Yeah, they got to do what they got to do. They got to pay rent, they got to fix the air conditioner, they got to fix the Wi-Fi. But after a while, they're gonna say, fuck you, and move on to somebody who's way more accountable because they didn't sign up for that. And I think that's the difference between a relationship and family. A relationship you sign up for. Family is like, it is what it is. But Rich, I don't know if you have anything that relates to that story, but I I had to go in the time machine and and think of that one because I do believe that was the beginning of the end of my relationship.

SPEAKER_01 40:07

Yeah, no, listen, and I think part of that too, just is I truly believe that I go back to this word of being comfortable. When you tend to be comfortable, too comfortable in a relationship, you know what ends up happening? You end up taking people for granted. And ultimately, if she's showing up 70% of the way and doing everything and less relying on you and shit, not even having arguments about things, just solving all the problems herself. She quit, yeah. She's she's checked out, my boy. So you can't put the burden of responsibility on her that she's not meeting her end of the bargain when you've already stopped showing up to the relationship. You know what I'm saying? And I I do really feel like when things are comfortable, when things are cushy, when things are too easy, most men default to taking their partners for granted. Myself included, bro. I've been victim of this. When things are just too easy, you tend to take your partner for granted. And the warning signs are there, bro, if you're paying attention to your point, Jess. If she's not arguing anymore, if she doesn't talk to you, if you guys are not having natural conversations, not even about work or bills or anything, just simple conversations with each other, then there is a crazy disconnection in the relationship. These are all warning signs that you need to take in and understand, like, bro, there is a fracture in this relationship that I need to help fix, right? If you so choose to. But I think at the end of the day, just it really all starts with you and unpacking what are the things about yourself have changed that has contributed to her not viewing you in the same way anymore.

SPEAKER_00 41:58

Yeah, yeah. Rich, I have a very deep question to ask you. I believe a woman, especially in the story that I just said, she can lose attraction for you. She can lose that glow that you had when she first met you as her knight in shining armor, the guy that is going to sweep her off her feet and take care of all the responsibilities that a man has to take care of? And I think a flowery way of saying she's very much attracted to you. Now, my question to you is do you think if someone says they love you, that they are obligated to be attracted to you? Can attraction be demanded as obligation in a relationship? Or does a woman have the right to be like, hey, I love you, but I no longer look at you the same way?

SPEAKER_01 42:49

I think both can be true at the same time, but I do believe that a girl can tell you she loves you and still not view you the same. And there's a difference between a girl saying, I love you and saying, I have love for you. Eventually, that I love you becomes I have love for you, but I don't love you anymore. And it's because you've become this person that I no longer recognize and you've shown up to the relationship in a different type of way, very different than how we were when we were first dating, right? And if you care enough about your relationship and you want to preserve that beautiful essence of a relationship that you've built with a significant other, you want to make these changes, not only for yourself, but for her too, bro. She deserves that. If you truly just have a woman that loves you for who you are, even on your darkest days, even in your darkest moments, and she's telling you that and she's peppering in feedback about how you're carrying yourself and how you're showing up to the relationship so that you can improve and things can be better with the communication and the symbiotic relationship that you have. You got to listen to those. Things if you care enough to preserve that relationship. But I think oftentimes we let life consume us, bro. We get stressed out about family, about work, about bills, about the economy, about purpose, right? All the stress becomes so overwhelming that we forget the little details that keep us happy and keep our relationship happy. So to your point, yes, I truly believe a woman can love you and not be in love with you. Wow. And that is what you're trying to avoid, bro.

SPEAKER_00 44:36

Damn. I have a follow-up to that because you said something that I think needs more clarification. Because the young man that's listening to this, he's probably sitting there thinking, damn. I came into this episode a little defensive because I'm going through something personally. And as Rich and Justin are talking through this thing, I can see the other side a little bit more clear. I can feel a little bit more responsibility for having to fix maybe something that drifted a little further away than I thought. But you said, Oh, don't get it fucked up, my boy. There's a big difference between a woman saying, I love you. I lust over you. I'm attracted to you. When you walk through that door, I want to rip your motherfucking clothes off because God damn it, I love you, man. Versus, I got love for you. I tolerate my man. He's the father of my kids, of course. Yeah. I mean, I can't see myself with anybody else, but my heart don't beat as fast when he walks through the door. You're saying there's a difference between those two things.

SPEAKER_01 45:41

Yes, bro. And that is a fucking deep cut, right? Like you're trying to avoid the latter. That hurts. It hurts when you think about that. And you know what, just like you won't even know that is happening, bro. Because eventually, all the feedback she's been giving you, all the little comments she's been giving you for you to change and improve and show up differently. Eventually they stop coming and she stopped saying shit. And she becomes the muted one. And then you're like, damn, what happened? She changed. No, no, no. She didn't change, my boy. You changed. And she tried to let you know that you changed, and then you didn't do anything about it, right? That's what we're trying to avoid. You got to capture the drifting when it's happening. And there's all these little nuanced details in a relationship that'll tell you that you're not showing up in an ideal way. But if you got blinders on and you're not ready to take the feedback in and iterate and improve and make changes to show up in a better way in the relationship, bro, you're gonna suffer for it. And then guess what? When that relationship fails, you're gonna be like, oh yeah, man, like we just drifted apart, but you'll never put blame on yourself. And I highly encourage every man listening to this, bro. Like, yes, there could be things about her that contributed to you changing, but by and large, Justin, you gotta take accountability for yourself and the things that are within your control, right? And that's what we're saying.

SPEAKER_00 47:15

Rich, I want to go off on a little bit of uh Justin drunk philosophy on women 101, because I believe I have a warped worldview, but it works for me. I don't know if it's gonna work for anybody listening to this. But if you ever are in a relationship with a beautiful young lady, and once upon a time she saw you as the guy in her life that was her leader, her lion, her leong, the guy that was supposed to lead her to success, the one she wanted to bear children with, the guy that was going to protect her from all the zombies and the zombie apocalypse. If you were supposed to be that guy and you were that guy early in the relationship, and as time is going on, you can tell that you're not getting that same energy from her. My warped reality and the way my fucked up psychology works, is you can always tell if a girl is out on you, depending on how her energy changes for you. I'll give you an example, a real life example. My girl, the one I currently live with, the one I'm with now, we weren't hanging out for about three days. We saw each other in the morning, we saw each other at night before we went to bed. She was outside with her friends. I could tell that I wasn't around her a lot, and she was losing hope for me because I was too busy doing other things like work. We went on a little road trip to Anaheim to go see uh like a little Halloween festival they have up there. We get in the car, no lie. She's in the car playing Key Glock, she's in the car playing Nipsey Hustle, she's in the car playing the most hoodish rap songs of all time. She's cursing to them. And I'm looking at her like, where's this energy coming from? I know she listens to this music, but when we're together, she's usually like listening to like some soulful music, things that got her in her love bag. And it was a real subtle sign. I kept glancing over at her, like, what's all this energy about? So anyway, I switch up the music. I play something that's a little bit more tuned to the frequency that I want to be on. Mind you, I work in music. So we're playing that music. I could tell she's not into it. She's looking out the window. So I'm like, all right, fuck it, we'll talk. Turn the music down. We start having a conversation. She's on some, oh, and then I fucking saw this thing and my fucking co-worker and cursing. And her tone is up. Like she's speaking more loud, more aggressive. Right hand of God, Rich. I turned the music down. I say, yo, you've been in the car for 40 minutes. I feel like I'm hanging out with my motherfucking brother. Where is insert my girl's name at? She was like, Oh, what do you mean? I'm like, bro, I think you cursed at least 20 times since you've been in the car. You've been playing fucking Chief Keith, Key Glock. Like, what are we doing? I didn't want to hang out with my brother.

SPEAKER_01 50:16

You're waiting for her to pull out a blunt. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 50:19

I'm like, yo, I didn't sign up for this. And she was like, oh, my bad. And it was tension for the rest of the ride. Long story short, when we got back home, I laid down some level 10 physical work in the bedroom just to make sure I tamed the dragon that was coming out of her. Because she was definitely her masculine energy. I had to do things in that bedroom to make sure that dominance was asserted. I swear to God, Rich, she went to go visit her mom the next weekend. She came back. She told me a conversation she had with her mom. Her mom said, Wow, you seem really calm and chill. She said, Mom, I gotta be honest with you. I forgot the name of the movie. I think it's called Spirit. I could be wrong. This is a movie about a horse. She goes, I love being with Justin because Justin tamed the wild horse in me. And he yelled at me the other day when I was in the car because I was being too aggressive and I was cursing and I was talking like a guy. And she loved it, bruh. She loved it. If any motherfucker doubts that story in our Patreon, I'm gonna have my girl sit right here and retell the story. Because there's a lot of men out there that believe women's energy is not a tuning fork to them. I disagree. Women that are attracted to you will always follow the energy that you're giving. So if you show composure, if you are on the metaphorical jet ski of a relationship and your fucking control is firm, you're holding that steering wheel firm, you're riding the waves, but the waves are not controlling you. The person sitting in the back will also be calm. They will hold you and they will be like, damn, this man has control of every element here. I could just chill and enjoy it and enjoy that I'm with someone that is controlling the elements, controlling me, controlling the jet ski. I believe that, Rich. Now, again, this could not be great advice for everybody, but in my situation, it works because I believe your energy is a tuning fork for children and women in your house. If you're always stressed, they're always stressed. If you're in a good mood, they might be in a good mood. If you're scared, they're scared. So you have to understand that you set the foundation at home. And the man that wears the crown has to suffer the burden of a heavy crown, and heavy is the head that wears the crown. That's all I was trying to say in that entire rant. But I want you to know that you start the first domino effect of how things go in your life and in your home. I know that to be a fact, Rich. I've been in enough relationships to know at 40 years old, that's kind of how this shit works. And I don't know if you agree, because I know you have kids. It might even, it might even leak into the kids, how the kids feel.

SPEAKER_01 53:11

No, absolutely, bro. I listen, I definitely agree. And I think everything about relationships are signals, just everything is a signal, bro. And in those signals, there's energy. And you know whether you're in symbiotic sync with your partner or not. And that translates into the family household, the family dynamic to the children. So I truly believe that, bro. It's funny you say that story. I was literally in the Costco parking lot, right? And I'm over here pushing my cart, you know, to stack it in the cart holder. And bro, and I see this woman with the trunk open, her husband right next to her, and she's grabbing 40 bottles of water bag, like boom, like boom. Like three of them, bro. And I'm like, damn. And I look at her and I see. So was it a big woman? No, no, it was like a skinny girl, and I was like, damn, she's mass strong. But immediately I looked at that couple with a guy just standing there on his phone, and I'm like, I don't even need to know anything else about your relationship other than what I just saw right there. Yeah, that tells me everything about the dynamic, about who wears the pants, about how much each other is contributing. That little small example shows me everything that I need to know. And that's my point about signals, bro. Everything about a relationship is a signal. How you guys show up to the function together, holding hands, not holding hands, on your phone, you know, both of you guys ignoring each other. The world sees it, Just. Everything is a signal, and the world sees how you guys show up for each other and for your family as well.

SPEAKER_00 54:51

Yeah. Rich, uh, I know you I know you wanted to mention uh something about a fall-off in your relationship. If that if that's a story you still want to share.

SPEAKER_01 55:00

I I said this earlier, but I do believe that you have to have the ability to understand when a girl's giving you feedback and when you're being ridiculed, right? And I think that is an important nuance because just I was going through a dark period in my life where I went like two months where I was just overwhelmed with work, with family, with friendships, right? Like everything was just weighing heavy on me. And I stopped talking to my girl and I stopped expressing myself and I became like a muted man. And during this time, it put a strain on our relationship. And she had to highlight that. That was happening. She's like, yo, you're not being yourself. You feel like you seem like you're a shell of yourself. Like, I don't know what's going on, but like we need to talk, right? And fortunately, we had some hard conversations, and I was able to be a little bit more open and vulnerable with her, and we got through it. But I just remember thinking in that moment, that could have easily gone the other way. And she could have been shitting on me for me being in my darkest moments. And my response to that would have not been something favorable, and that could have been a significant fracture in our relationship, right? But the deciding factor was how she showed up for me, right? How she was like, yo, let's talk about it, right? Like, let me know what you're going through. Like, I'm here for you. And that's why I said in the beginning of the episode that a little bit of culpability is on the woman because how she responds to your drift, how she responds to your negative changes, right? Not negative changes, but not favorable changes influences how fast you change, how quick you make a pivot. So I think there's certainly a bear of responsibility on both sides, but ultimately it's up to both of y'all to show up for each other.

SPEAKER_00 56:57

Yes. And before we let out, Rich, I did want to share a little game that you can play with your significant other. So you can run a credit score on am I the guy that my woman admires? Test, or I like to call it the Michael B. Jordan. Am I the Michael B. Jordan of my girl's life? Michael B. Jordan, easily one of the most attractive men in the world. And if your girl had a choice to be with you or Michael B. Jordan, she'd probably pick Michael B. Jordan. And I don't give a fuck how long y'all been together. But if you truly are the man in her life, you are the Michael B. Jordan of her life. And this is the attraction test. You could run this test on your girl in the first three months you got us in together. You could run it in the first two years you're together. And then I have one for the very long-term relationships where you actually feel like your girl's losing confidence in you. The first three-month test, you can ask your girl after a date when y'all are just hanging out, maybe after sex. You know, you're just chilling, talking on the couch, and you're like, yo, let me ask you a question. What do you admire most about the men in your life? Ask her that question. In that question, you're gonna find out whether she resents the men in her life, or if she has a male role model in her life and she sees him in a certain light, mentally take out your pen and pad. Write everything that that woman says down, because that is what she's looking for in a man. If she says, My grandfather used to do this, for my grandmother, he would show up on a fucking horse, he would throw her on the back, he would build a house with his hands, whatever. Take notes. That's what she's looking for in a man because that is her signal of admiration. A man that I admire does this. Now it's different for every woman. That's month one through three. Year two and three, you have to break out a question that is a little bit more nuanced, but it's gonna tell you everything you need to know. Watch a zombie movie with her, watch a scary movie with her, watch a movie like The Purge, and then look at her and go randomly hey, if you had to pick two people in your life to be with you throughout this whole thing, who would you pick? Let's call it the purge test. In the purge test, if she names her coworker Ralph, and she names her father and not you, you're not the man in her life. She doesn't admire you. You're not the knight in shining armor. Test number three. Three or four or five years into the relationship. And this is the more serious one. This is what this episode's about. You you really feel like your girl stopped trusting you with a lot of things. She looks at you like a grown-ass kid in the house. She sees you as the second, third, fourth kid that she got to take care of. Take her on a date, lead the date, pick the spot, don't ask her. Ask her during the day at some point. Hey, out of curiosity, when we first met, what was the one thing about me that you loved most and made you want to be with me in this relationship? She is going to take that as the opportunity to shit on current day you and be like, well, when I first met you, you used to do this, you used to look like this. Actually, my sister said you were really handsome. That made me like you more. And then when you helped my dad move something out of the shed, the way you picked it up, and my dad was impressed. That gap of whatever the fuck she tells you about when you first met, what she loved most about you, and wherever you're standing today is the gap that you need to fill. Because no woman is gonna come out and tell you, hey, you are no longer the guy I met. What she's gonna do is tell you a reverse story and be like, man, when you were younger, you used to get dressed up so nice and you used to wear cologne and you used to actually make me feel like a lady. She's not gonna say that. Give her an opportunity to say it in a very polite way. And again, bring out your notebook, write everything down. That's how you get your relationship back on track. And you have to absorb some of that responsibility. Have you ever done the zombie test with your girl? Nah, I've done other type of tests that I'll say for What you what off top.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:16

What's what's something that you check to see if you're the guy? I just I tell her all the time, man. When I see things on TV, I'm just like, yo, um you think that guy's attractive? You know what I mean? Like, I'll be testing her all the time. I have a whole bunch of tests.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:33

Wait, you just straight up ask her? So if you saw sinners where and Michael B. Jordan was on there with his muscles and tank top.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:41

Let me tell you something. I don't I wouldn't let my girl within 10 feet of a guy who looks like a 10. Like, I just won't.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:49

Should we what do you do? You just hold her back? How do you stop that from happening? Bro, just never leave the house. Never let her leave the house. Wait, I got a real scenario for you. I got a real scenario for you. You're at a family party. There is a 10 of 10 guy standing crazy stature. He's out there dancing, he's single. What is your the best defense for your lady in that moment?

SPEAKER_01 1:02:12

For her not to ask her to dance?

SPEAKER_00 1:02:14

No, no, just so you you make sure she's good. She knows that you're the guy.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:19

What's understood doesn't have to be spoken, bro. Like, just my presence alone, she knows what's acceptable and what's not acceptable. If that dude came reaching for her hand for a dance, she'd be like, nah, I'm good. Yeah. She knows. She knows. I don't even have to say, I don't even have to, I don't even have to side-eyed her. I don't even have to say anything.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:40

And for the guy that is thinking, these are two toxic old ass Spanish dudes, you're wrong. If your girl takes another hand in a dance with someone that is not a cousin or uncle, and even they, even they may not pass the motherfucking test. I'm slapping their hand if they ask for it. But in the event of something harmless, cool. But another grown-ass man asks your lady to dance if she goes, Salasau, bachata, bachata. Oh my god, Rich.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:10

Especially up close. That's crazy. Because there's a bachata you could dance from a distance, and there's one that's a little bit closer up to the body. So hell no. I'll end on this, man, because I think what we need to understand is like life is gonna change you. You're gonna have kids, you're gonna have a career, you're gonna have life responsibilities, right? What we're saying is that don't get so comfortable to the point where you stop showing up for you and you stop showing up for the people that you love because everybody notices, right? Don't take things for granted and understand that a little bit of drift is okay. But if you're going to change and evolve, do it for the better. Don't do things that are gonna regress you in a way that your significant partner is going to start resenting you for it. That's the whole topic of this episode, man.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:01

Failures podcast. We out.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:04

Peace.